Greatful 5

I am greatful for life, a wonderful job, good friends, a supportive manager, a supportive family, laughter, joy, my home, and my community. I am greatful to God for each and every day. I am greatful that I can lift my head up and say I AM what God says I am. I am glad that I am becoming stronger and more beautiful and bolder every day. I am Grateful.

Cleaning it up

Moving out of the
funk and
the trash
that needed to be thrown
out yesterday
along with the
useless past and that
pile of regrets
I picked them up and
placed them in the bin
marked
Old News and pulled out the new bins
marked on the top with
God's business
dusted out the goal and dream bins
to fill them with new hopes
destinations and adventures
and rambled through the
friend bins getting rid
of all kinds of pest
crabs
mosquitoes
fruit flies
roaches and all disgusting, harmful parasites
I killed a few flies and spiders
threw some of them out due to
infestations of various kinds
I ain't getting sick!
took a moment to sit and breathe
fresh clean air
and
remembered that those books
with their discoloring pages
filled with lies
and ugly words
that others wrote and I shamefully
began to believe
I tossed those tomes of ignorance and stupidity
in the bins as well
Rest and Relaxed in my comfortable chair
surrounded by
silence
soft whispers of true wisdom
contentment and peace
to my suprise
forgiveness, future plans and present ideas
stood up
shook themselves loose of
the dust and
stepped into the light
to grow
and to my right
I noticed that old mirror that
holds my beautiful reflection
is covered in dust and filth from
my inattention it has either got to go
or be refurbished
Smiling now as I remember the beautiful lil' girl
who believed in herself and her gifts
that mirror I will keep and
make mine again
Starting my revolutionary life
Taking no prisoners
and no trash
It is time to groom my room
and see the new possibilities
free myself of the filth and dust of yesteryear
and place it out on the corner for
Trash pick up day is every day
with my spirit and soul
A brandnew day, a brandnew time
I am bringing fresh vibrant paints
new ideas
the journey is beginning - again
Freedom is gonna look real good
in my space, in my life
and on me
Watch out for your invite
to the Grand Opening

@Kita

Getting to "10" Basics - Nay/ yay on those WORDS

I looked at the title of the blog and in those words I was reminded what I was to be to myself "I am my own woman" Words are powerful and they vibrate back to you what you say, how you feel, where you are emotionally, physically etc. Words are powerful. I remembered then that I create what kind of woman I am. God gives me that right, and I will not let another take that from me "I AM MY OWN WOMAN!" Powerful words.

I forgot the power of words, though words are what broke me and words are what hurt me. Actions speak loudly. Speaking, enunciating, saying, telling words. That is why actions hurt cause that symbol of their disdain when they looked you up and down and spit at you told you I disrespect you, I don't like you, I hate you, I dis- you on some level. It speaks down to your core, that hurt, that pain, that tear in your soul is due to what somebody told you with their actions how they feel about you. Giver a person in pain a hug and without saying a word they know that you care. Actions speak. Words have power and actions sometimes expresses them or merely backs them up. Along the way I/we as a people have forgotten about that power and I/we have forgotten that the words are being said even if you do not say a word out loud. Cause actions, SPEAK loudly. Just like whispered defiance or triumph or determinations speaks still intent, so do the words that course through your head that are rememberances of your childhood, or when you were a teenager, when that aunt/ uncle/ friend/ stranger or that liar satan made that dark mark against you and aimed it at your soul for their own selfish reasons, or did not clarify the why or how come they did, said or behaved in such a way. That pain lives in you unless you set it free. All of this speaking we do on so many levels. Be honest with it, do not hide how you truly feel and see life but be mindful of what you are saying too.

You must set that pain free and not hold it in to yourself. Truly, you must. I have been sexually molested and it was by a cousin I trusted. I must set that free. My friends walked away from me during the worst times in my life and then had/ve the audacity to try to sit back and judge and convict who and what I am, I must set that free. My parents, I could write a book about the pain they caused due to their being caught up in their own painful childhood memories, I must set that free. I cannot continue to let their words, that hurt eat at my soul and at the core of who I am. I do not play second fiddle cause you think that you are first, in your own life yes. In my life you are important to me, but you are not THE important thing.

The only way to combat the pain is by using the very things that were used against you, time and new words, new definitions of who and what you are. For instance, you are not depressed, you are having a brief moment of doubt. You are not losing weight, you are releasing yourself to a new life. You are not dumb or stupid, you have been fooled and you are gaining clarity. You are not ugly, you are attractive and beautiful. There is no reason for you to carry shame and regret, you made mistakes and you make corrections and you have learned. You are not a failure, you are a person who struggles in some areas and you overcome. You are not caught in a matrix and confused, you are walking faithfully though you cannot see you trust.

People try to fool you with their words. They will use your faith against you. "If you trusted God your life will be better, you will have a husband, your life will be perfect, you will have no issues. " They need to read Job. They need to remember that if God is with you they are NO ONE to try to be against you. They ought to sit down some where. Like they know understand and can direct the will of God. Either you trust God to work in a persons life in the way it is fit as far as S/He is concerened or you do not. Sometimes God takes you through to make your life an example to those who doubt so they can see the majesty for themselves. Faith says that even in the midst of pain God is with you and that everything works out for the good. How come people start attacking folks when they are down and saying it is them and that God must not be with them to me, considering that the Word says that everything works out for the Good and Glory of God, I do nut get that. I pray for folks like that. Watch, listen to, dissect and appreciate them ..words. Make them your best friend.....and make sure that they honor God, they honor you and do not be afraid to correct someone when they use words against you. Stand firm, and correct those who prosecute you but "really" know you not. I have let this go on in my life for a while and now I am stopping the madness today.

Words start wars, soothe souls, keep the faithful faithful and with hope. Be mindful of what you say to yourself, what you say to others. I must first start with the basics, so I am being careful of what I let go in and out of my head and into the world from my mouth. These are the basics and it shapes your world. Check out the symbols you place out there that represent you. Check your rhymes, check your words, check your actions and then check your life as well as the decisions you are currently making. All of those words/ actions are saying something, trust.

So with that in mind, this is what I say about moi/ myself and I:
I am the joy, love and righteousness of God. I am beautiful and special and respectful, I am shapely, queenly, lovely, I am victorious, I am determined. I am a learner, a leader, a follower and a servant. I am what God says I am. I am humble. I am a force to be reckoned with. The silence that sits in my soul is wisdom and the Holy Spirit. The Word, my Jehovah, my Jesus walks with me, talks to me, soothes me, strengthens me and gives me rest. I am not afraid. I am bold, I am loving, caring and shy. I am sensual, sexual and open to wonderful, caring, uplifiting people and situations. I smile, I laugh, I defend verbally, physically, mentally and spiritually. I am a child of God. I am. I am joy, I am friendly. I am a believer in Christ. I am. I am cool, relaxed, typically non violent, I am a lover of people and my own space, I am healthy and I am whole. I am a creation that you will never comprehend, like I shall always learn something new and wonderful about you so embrace that enigmatic, charismatic part of yourself as well. I am the hotness, I am the one that makes you want to get close. I am a sweet, good, wonderful woman with a sweet, warm, wise, kind, soul that can be in warrior (bitch to some) swagger when I need to. God took me from man. Why are you so surprised, I was blessed with this and I will surely use it. I can call or whisper your name and you feel me. I am a wonderful, God fearing, loving, passionate, caring, relationship loving, uplifiting, woman of God. I have favor from God all around me, I listen to and I obey God's commands, I repent, I hope and I try again, and again and again. I am a lover of peace and people and I enjoy my solitude as well. I am creative, I am a complex woman, and I am a wonderful woman. God loves me.

I have decided, that I am the author of this book with the stamp of Kita . I tear out all of the pages from other folks who decided that with my permission (sadly) that they had the right to write, imply something negative about my person because I am not perfect to them or what they think that will be, or did not have a perfect life. I ain't no victim nor am I somebody to pity. I am the victory of the people, I am what God has called me to be, and no, I ain't proving it. I am living it though. Watch me now, cause it starts today.

I am whatever God and I say I am. Keep your negative words about my person to yourself, and keep your mouth off of my name. I am going back to the basics and erasing, burning, tossing all of the mess out of my book that is being written about me that I have allowed others to write. Your words are being trashed and have been rejected after further review. I am not perfect to yoy, but dang if I will allow and imperfect trying to (need to!) get their own self together and do some real introspection person block me from my joy, my life, my destiny, my happiness or my purpose. I am perfectly where I am destined and suppose to be. I pay for no one else hurts, mistakes or hang ups. Get over YOURSELF. I am.

Watch what you say to me. Take care now. I am putting my crown back on cause I don't get my halo until I get to heaven.

Kita

Greatful 4

I am greatful for rain, I am greatful for sun and air and the wind. I am greaful for the changing of seasons. I am greatful for life and death. I am greatful for God and the promise. I am greatful for hope and rebirth. I am greatful for me and all that I am. I am greatful for the opportunity to embrace and love all of me. I am greatful for true friends. I am greatful for no limits, new journeys and old memories. I am greatful.

Amen.

Greatful 3

I am greatful for rest, home, and safety. I am greatful for my meal and having a good night sleep. I am greatful for directv. I am greatful for life. I am greatful for a new perspective. I am greatful for God and the life that I have.

Solitude

I
sit alone in the
secluded space of my mind
caught up in its
creative run and
I lose time
I am greatful for the solitude, the break from constant chatter
I am
greatful for the thoughts that run thru
my head
and now I take the time to listen to
the Divine voice of wisdom that speaks lovingly in my head
offering correction
protection
concern and
inspiration
I rest and can now remember what the sound
of rain sounds like
on my roof and against the windows
the sounds of nature
of life
no longer offends
I soak for long periods
in the tub listening to
Dwele or Raheem
and relax
Or I can groove to the jazz that
plays in my head
I can enjoy the satin as it wraps around
my ankles making me feel naughty and sensual
I have time now to soothe my skin with
mango created creations with shea butter or cocoa butter will do
Soft skin feels good
and I enjoy the scent of me
(would you like to take a bite?)
I am
taking the time
to be truly feminine and enjoying it
Being me and reveling in it
taking the time
to relax back into me
I got Jill Scott on and a little India Arie
and Jaguar Wright is in the CD
and with their words I connect back to who
and what I am and where I am going
so
I am no longer fighting this
Solitude
It is becoming my balm
It is my peace
I fight it no more
Bring it on
and please
shut the door on your way out

Kita @2006

Greatful 2

I am greatful for this time of silence, I am greatful for this rebirth of faith in self, I am greatful for a willing and humble spirit, I am greatful for good friends, I am greatful for my soon to come husband and child, I am greatful for my soon to come new home, car and opportuinities. I am greatful for my soon to come healthy weight loss. I am greatful for smiles, I am greatful for peace. I am greatful for my car, I am greatful for my home. I am greatful for the love of family and friends. I am greatful for the job that I have and the new opportunity that is coming soon. I am greatful for a mind that keeps me entertained. I am greatful that perfection is not my goal, but living and learning about life is. I am greatful for courage, bravery and hope. I am greatful for and to God for all that I have, all that I am and more importantly all that S/He is. I am greatful for grace, favor, and blessing and again, again I say hope - faith.

Getting to "10" Continued

Ok. I am tired of living in Clayton County. I am tired of the folks who do not seem to understand that they need to have more streets to the expressway, more ways to get out of dodge and ...... stop doing 50 million new strip malls and putting them in front of expensive, nice homes. I am tired of the lacksadasial way the county is run period. Time to go.

BY December, 2007 I will sell my townhome with a 15K profit and into my own brick home on a flat surface with .5 acre of land and a garage. The home will come equipped already with programmable heating and cooling system that is in excellent shape, a large kitchen 1 master bath with a jacuzzi tub, a bath with a shower/bath combo for the guest room and a 1/2 bath. I will have an island in my kitchen. The master bedroom will be large enough for a queen sized bed, and 4 other large pieces of furniture and a walk in closet. There will be an area for a chair and table in the master bedroom. The kitchen, living room and dining room will have excellent room partitions but be more than comfortable for company (an open floor plan!). The doors on the outside will also have metal security doors with dead bolts. They will be in excellent condition, the security doors will be able to let air in. The pipes will be in excellent condition, the appliances (ALL) will be in excellent condition. My stove/ oven and hot water heater will be gas and the other appliances will be electric and they will be included in the home. The halls will be arched and the home will be in a cottage style, kinda french like in a secure, safe, clean neighborhood with expectations for the next 10-30 years of continued growth without overcrowding. I will be able to get home and to work in 30 minutes or less and I will have multiple access to different highways and street ways to and from home/ school/ work. I will live 15-20 minutes away from my folks. I will have an alarm system already installed in my home upon purchase by the current home owner and the home will be structurally sound with no structural/ pest infestation/ or rotting wood/ bad gutters/ water run off issues. Directv will be available in this neighborhood as well as fast access DSL. The floors will be hardwood in the bedrooms, and in the dining and living room and the kitchen and bathroom will have neutral colored tiles. The home will be a find at no more than 5K more for the total price of the home than what I am currently paying, my interest rate will be .5 below what I have now and the area of the space will be 1400-1600 square feet. My mortgage will go up by $80. I am praying this in Jesus name, knowing that God may find it fit to change this plan and going along fully with what He decides is best for me and adjustments will be made as needed . Amen.

Changes are going on ya'll.

Kita

Greatful

Dear God, it which consists of everything I am, both male and female and ultimately Love,

I am greatful for the sun that warms my skin, the love I have within, the joy that radiates inside, the courage to take a step forward, God and love, hope and wisdom, creativity and good sex, good men and laughter, good women and great friendships, the ability to forgive and with time to forget. I am greatful that I am learning to step out of my box, to love myself, and to have the ability and the funds to help those that I can along the way. I am greatful for this time that I am single, and I thank you in advance for the wonderful life, home, husband, car, joy, love, sharing, giving, receiving, growing that is to come. I thank you for the love that I feel for everyone daily and the ability to see others in their silliness and judging and try to gallantly not return the favor. Thank you for all of these things God.

Your loving, caring, growing servant,

Kita

To the "Good Guys"

I responded to a guy who wrote about his "Good Guy Syndrome" in Essence, and I figured this is a good post for all of the "Good Guys" . Please heed.

1.) Listen to what she tells you and spot the drama. If she is telling you that there is ridiculous amounts of drama going on and it is not all from the guy ie. he is stalking her or harassing her on some level, take heed. For instance, if everything that is wrong with her and her baby daddy is HIS fault, check the drama line. A relationship takes two, she is choosing how she deals with him too.

2.) Watch what she does. She should try to keep her word. She should be considerate of you. She should express how she feels when she feels comfortable with you (after date 4). Does she offer to pick up the bill, to pay the tip to meet you and treat you to coffee etc. Is she selfish? Watch what she does. It is the same thing I have learned to do with guys, do it with the women you meet.

3.) Is she comfortable talking about her family relationships or is it full of crazy drama? Is that drama brought on by a family that has serious issues, if so, check your girl. Look for those tendencies. Is she going from relationship to relationship with little than 2-3 months in between? Is she taking time to examine what is going on with her, her heart, her life etc. and to make adjustments in what she desires or what she wants or what she did wrong? Her willingness to do self examination is an important thing for you to note. Her willingness to take care of herself and her emotions is very important for you to note. It cuts down on drama in the relationship.

4.) Take the rose colored glasses off. You cannot fix somebody. You are not Neo. You are a good man who is looking for a good woman. Someone with issues, yeah, but someone who is willing to grow. Look for a woman who can laugh at herself and does some type of introspection. Look for a woman who when she sees she is the issue she works or looks for positive ways to change or work on it herself. You are not Superman, you are a super man to be with though. Feel me?

5.) Listen to see if she tells you about a guy she sent on his way, or even who she finds attractive and listen to why. Yeah, it is hard to do, but you need to know if she is materialistic, is she a user, is she a groupie, is she an attention whore, is drama her best friend. You need to know. Make sure you take the time to know. Date other women, or go out with your female friends. Converse with the ones that you trust about how the dates have gone and what you guys discussed. Get a females point of view of what/ how things are going.

6.) Check your list of mate requirements. Make sure you do not have something on that list that is attracting someone you do not really want. For instance, a lot of guys have "She needs me" on her list. I suggest that you change the language. Maybe "She wants me to be an important, intelligent, loving and caring man in her life". That means that she wants you there so she is willing to do the work to maintain the relationship.

Good Luck Guys in finding the woman that will make you a wonderful wife. A friend of mine had to tell me these things about men, so I hope these suggestions works for you too.

Letting go

Letting Go
I am not holding on to
pain
or resentment
or rejection
or the past
I am letting my heart take me somewhere new
I am
Letting go of what I hold on to
somewhat selfishly
of love
of kindness
of charity
releasing it to the world so that
I can share my heart with others
I am
Letting go
of times when I was committed and they left
of times when I was alone and they did not reach out to me
of times when I cried and they did not wipe my tears
People get in their own matrixes and do not understand the value of friendship
until it is gone
It has all been a lesson
I am not walking in this circle anymore
I am not crying new tears into this dirt
I will not be defeated by thoughts of a past life
with a heart heavy and full of past mistakes and regrets
I am
I will
I can
Live fully
I must
Today I take the first steps
by letting go
no more trying to fit a square in a circle
no circling around a person who is trying to leave
no more impeding anothers or my growth
today I am allowing the Fall and Winter
to let things die and allow
a new birth to start in my soul
I am
Letting it go
Letting it all go
Including the boxes I threw "me" in
I am
Purging pain, failure and hurt and dissapointment
in me and others
and in God
I am
I will
I can
I must
Let go
so that I can be free
I must
let go

Me Content

By getting to "10" I want to be content with my life
So I am working on becoming financially, physically, spiritually, emotionally content.

Another area I am going to work on will be:
FINANCIALLY- Getting my savings back in order, looking into my 401K and paying off bills completely. Ongoing progress - Goal to pay off outstanding debt, December 2008

This content thing takes work ya'll. It ain't worth a dang if your life is not full. So I am going to work in areas I have a passion for. Kita loves the kids, and the arts. Yep. I love the arts. So I am going to think about what I would like to do. Maybe I should join the church choir and start reading my poetry at poetry groups or even start a poetry/ lit group? Hmmmm. We will see.

My life purpose is important to me. Very important. I want to share a lil' love to all that I come into contact with. soooo with that in mind, I have discovered that I need my life to have variety. I like reading, singing, entertaining, discussions, good music etc. Gotta accept all the facets of myself before I invite anyone else to do the same, or heck, I need to be accepting and learning new things about me.

I also am trying to look at exercise differently. My twist on it now is:

Exercise allows me to be healthy and More sexy! It also allows me to prepare my body to have fun dancing, playing, and yeah sensuous fun too ; ) I am going to get with it because I want to bike, skate, play a little basketball etc. like I used to. It is great that the guys will appreciate my new physique. it is more wonderful that I will. It is great that my health and therefore my life will improve. It is not an issue of being worth it anymore. It is an issue of getting with exercise so I can enjoy my life more. I stay in the house a lot, and I entertain myself by eating or being on the phone or sitting on my butt and watching tv. That is enough. Also, I cannot wear my mini skirts like I want to, you know with the sexy heels and whatnot. I liked doing that, I felt pretty and intelligent attractive and approachable. It is time to get back with it for all of the right reasons this time.

Ooooh. I almost forgot to do the five things I am greatful for list. here goes. I am greatful for breath. I am greatful that I do not live in physical pain. I am greatful that I have a wonderful home in a community that is safe, I am greatful that I am learning to love myself more, I am greatful for my family and friends, I am greatful for my wonderful job and employer/ supervisor. I am greatful that I have some funds in the bank and that I can share. I am greatful that I have God and that s/he loves me. I am greatful that I am open minded and I am greatful that I am always willing to learn. I am greatful that I have the gift of words and a beautiful blessed voice, I am greatful.

If...

i need you to understand
that if i decide i want you for my man
it was not the mess you were talkin
it is not the stuff that you have
it is not the way that you are walkin
listen to me bruh
it was the love of your full brown lips
the way your eyes crinkled and
how you listened and took in my words
and paid attention
how you ran your hands down my back
how you firmly took the lead
how you manned up
it is in your loving caring deeds
and attention
to the details that are a inseperable part of me
it is cause when i am with you I am a Queen
indeed
so for that I
smile when I think of you and I
pray that when you think of me
you do the same
I support you and defend you
I honor you in all I do
I know that I am your crown and jewel
I speak softly and don't roar
I don't just slip into warrior mode
I know that you are guarding the door
your meal will be hot baby and
yeah, I am ready for you
if you want to be loved to
a grown woman
you got to figure out the rules,
no games, no mess, no crap
the ability to treat me right
you take care of you and me
and we communicate and appreciate each other all rite
I will have your back a hundred times over
cause I know that you have mind
if you have that type of loving
baby
then i got that kind of time
it is not in the way you are thugged out
i dont need a man who will place me in harm
i want a man who can hold me gently
and rock my body and soul all nite long
i need a man who can stand
and knows when to fight
you can keep all of me with you darling
if you will do this
is that all right
is that all right
is that all right
it all stands on that
if

Baby Steps

I have decided on some things that will move me from a life at "6" to one at "10".

OK. Here goes:

1.) I will come from this 22/24 back to a size 18 by the end of the year - Dec. 31, 2006. Where I was before I got diagnosed with diabetes. I have to accept that I am fighting the pills that they have placed me on. I have to accept that my diet will need to change more. I have to accept that I cannot eat how I used to. More fruits, veggie, water. I have to love me and know that I was going to the gym, changing my diet, going back to school and I became ill (Strep Throat!!) when I was diagnosed (sick for 2 weeks). I have to love me and want off of these pills enough to come up with a plan.

Plan for # 1 - Exercise 20-30 minutes 4 days a week. Maintain a food diary. Eat out only twice a week. Low fat/ low sugar/ sugarless desserts. Find healthy snacks that I LIKE!! No more soda. No liquor. Aim for 3-5 servings of veggies.


2.) Better job. Need an additional 6-10 K per year. Implemented by August/ September 2007.

Plan for #2 - Prepare resume. Send out in massive amounts beginning of 2007. Attend paralegal org. meetings. Talk to para's in areas of interest. Dress more professionally to work. Be on time. Talk to current job HR rep. Take resume to univ. career center for critique service.

3.) Better relationship with God. Ongoing.

Plan for #3 - Morning and evening prayer. Daily gratitude list (5 items). Attend early morning service on Sundays/ watch on TV. Meditate for 15 minutes 2 times a week. Write Dear God letter weekly. Read Bible Sunday. Read Psalm 51 and Promise daily.

More to come.

Kita

Getting to a "10"

I keep thinking about how my life is going now. I kinda feel like it is at a 6. Frankly I do not like it much. I do believe in potential, but bump potential, I want to know how do I get to the real thing and I want to pursue it and still enjoy life where I am too.

A "10" life is attainable, it just is not perfect and you cannot get there if you do not love yourself and want yourself where you are.

This is my quest to get my life to that "10". Not a fantasy ya'll, or what anyone else wants but what I genuinely want. I am having an Oprah moment, because I want an authentic life too. LOL.

An authentic life for me will allow me to live the life that I want. I am not one who wants a life with a lot of bling but no substance. I want some bling now, yeah, but I want something more tangible and real than that. I think one of the issues I am having is placing the precipice of my life at getting married and having a kid. Ummm. To be honest, I do not know why I keep doing that. I have witnessed first hand the strain and the hurt and the constant compromise of marriage and being a mother. It is hard emotional, physical, spiritual, financial, social, work. It is work. I want this, but not at the expense of myself. I do not wish to sacrifice myself until there is no me left. With this in mind, I am putting marriage high on my list, but not the ultimate prize. Letting myself fully be me - creative, emotional, loud, efficient, diva-ish, down to earth, bubbly, quiet, thoughtful, crass, blunt - all of me and loving every facet of it is a life that I love is the goal. No more trying to fit in boxes that others and I, because I accepted their bull, created.

I enjoy my family and assisting with the raising of my neices and nephews. I enjoy getting to help and to assist someone in a real way and accepting/ loving them where they are. This pull for a family of my own with lil' folk who have mine and my hubby's charateristics is genuine, real and YES I still want this for myself. It is not the ultimate goal though. Being true to myself and loving the life I live, that is the ultimate goal. Nothing is wrong with wanting something more, but it is good, wonderful and enlightening to love you and enjoy you, be content with you and your life where you are too.

Hon, I am a natural motivator, it IS who I am. I give that freely to everyone I come in contact with, but not myself. I am hard on myself, and if I do not get the response I want from that I punish me. Yep, I binge. No shame about it, just something I am readily admitting. You cannot fix what you refuse to see or acknowledge. I know that an attitude change in this regard is definitely a part of getting to that life that is a "10" for moi.

So I will list on this blog some of the things I must face, accept and change about me to get me to the "10" life I want. After acknowledging this stuff I will love myself to that change. You read correctly. I will love myself into that change, so there will be a lot more spiritual, soul searching,
crying, struggling, accepting, acknowledging and admitting stuff on this site. If you cannot deal with that, ummm, go away. Dumb bunny. This is for me, my needs and yeah, that is kind of selfish. My preliminary list will pro'lly be up soon. Maybe even later today.

OK now. Scram. I have some thinking to do.

Later,
Kita

Groove gone

I have been stuck in a
extendended suspension of animation
walking endlessly in circles
and the well cut groove
is cutting into my ankles
making a new sound now
instead of clump bump and a little bluesy jazz
it is simply hurting my azz
oozing blood and puss
I stopped in
still life fashion noticing for the
first time the cut that was
created by the constant bump into
the same old thing
It has hit the bone and
entered my now
present reality
The music stops
Click, click, click
Silence
I am
watching my life flow
tick tock
until the alarm rung
Getting over the shock
Preparing for the pain
I pour
100 proof alcohol burned and
cleansed the sores and puss
and
I stepped out of the rut that
I created
which ate and tore greedily
at my ankles
In the depth of my agony
prayer
silence
bandages
healing and
I note
a new road to walk
a new path to take
my ankles, my soul and my heart
will began to walk
unfettered ground
The groove created
by the rut that I have walked
will play its same old blues
highlighted by screamed
improvisations
no more

@Kita

Entertainment vs. Relationship

You know, I am thinking of how I relate to people and how I do in relationships. Really, I enjoy being entertained. Let me say that again, as honestly as I can. I like to be entertained. If you are not entertaining me, why am I still talking to you? I know that it sounds rather silly, but honestly I have dealt with realtionships in this way for a good minute.

Getting to know someone, or letting them really get to know me is scary. I create walls, I put up barriers then I blame the guy, well somewhat anyway. Heck, it takes a real woman or man to admit that. So after I pat myself on the back I will move forward. *patting back* Now, here we go. I learned to do this when I was younger, I think the only folks I allow to really know me are.... hmmmm. I kind of keep people at bay until I get to know them, no emotional nothing. I do not cry or get upset in front of people easily, I do not..... hmmmm. Maybe the problem is that I do not warm up quickly to folks. Maybe I figure that people will not do this with me either. I like to present myself in a certain way, yeah I got control issues, but I will let you see parts of me.

Once I am sure that you will not intentionally hurt me, I let you get close. I joke around with you, and this is how I get comfy with you. After that I will let you see all of me, the good, bad, indifferent, ugly, sensual, sexual, sweet, classy etc. You do know that I am mad multifaceted right? LOL!!

I guess this time I will take a chance and let someone see who I am and what I am about. I want to be a bit vulnerable, and my eyes will tell you my story if I look at you too long, so I don't. Seriously. However, I will take my time and learn you. I know it ain't fair but sooooo wwhhaatt. My heart is really, well my ego and my feelings are really ... you know.... I am strong but when I let you in my heart I melt and I do not like feeling that vulnerable. However, I really am one of the sweetest folks you will ever meet.

In a word I am afraid, so I am gonna pray to God about it and let me shine through. Please cover the guy I am talking to eyes ya'll. I kinda shine brightly when I take the cover up off.

Pray for me.

Kita

Baacckk

Ok I am back to my old sweet self. I know that all of ya'll are happy. OK.

Why am I reading these silly blogs calling everybody black celebrity male gay?

Back in the day, it was ok for men to smile. Nobody thought that you were a punk cause you had the ability to be happy. Again, happiness did not equal punk, back in the day. Something is going on real strange when a man has to hide that he has emotions and bottle all of that inside. I mean, it has gotten so deep, this hiding emotion crap that our female children are dressing like hoochies and acting like lil' gangstas.

Feminity needs to make a comeback. OR is it that treating others HUMANELY needs to make a comeback? I ain't really sure, but I know this fronting crap has got to go. You know, I keep looking around wondering if I am the only one who realizes that. It is coming back in the clothes but not in the way we treat each other.

This need to go after anyone about anything and to attack, this is very predatory and you know what, I do not think that all men are this way. I do not care if they are black, white, whateva, they do not want to fight all day every day. So what is the deal with this pissing contest that is going on daily now between us? What is the deal with admitting that you are hurt or you need people? Why all of the barriers, if you do not want to be vulnerable how are you gonna love somebody? How about how are you gonna love yourself?

I am reading a blog about the Game and they suggest that he may be gay. So what, number one. If he is he is fronting. What is new about that? How many other people have we found out were lying about their sexuality, how they lived, that they are sane, or not on drugs etc? What is new? AGAIN they are here to entertain me. Put yourself as the star in your own damn life drama and you won't care so much. Try doing that. Try living your own life, try daring to love someone, getting involved with something or caring about somebody else. Yeah, the celebrities lives are full of holes and they lie and front. Heads up, their human. It is easy to point out their flaws etc. cause look at your own or your loved ones either hurt like heck, there is a lot of intimidating work to do or you cry just thinking about it. Yeah, I too am guilty of reading the celeb stuff but dangit, I could REALLY care less.

This week alone two folks passed that I knew. I am more concernend about them and that. Last week, my good friend got a new job, I am more concerned about that, my nephew came home from a college he got a scholarship from cause the music director was charged with rape, I am more concerned about that!!! I got to see about the child that I am a CASA for next week, I am more concerned about that, I gotta get in contact with my silly electric company and ask them why are my lights constantly blinking.

Do I care about celebrities, yes. I also like books, and I like music and television shows etc. Entertain me. Do that, and then go home.

That makes me think for a minute, *pondering* is that how I deal with the guys I talk to? I think so. Maybe I need to take a moment and get to know them huh? *chuckling*

Helping out

Aiiight. I am not going to put my good name out there trying to help a person out for a while, so iffin I give you a job tip and I really do not know you, do not tell them I sent you. Why you ask, well because I will have to tell 'em I really do not know you, I am passing along a tip.

Look here, allright. I am helping this guy out. I just met him and he told me about not having a job that he likes or is getting regular good pay from. Cool. I go ahead and let the powers that be at my job, let me say that again at MY JOB know that I have someone who is looking for something is there something available. They suggest a department. I have met and talked with this department before and they are good people. Will work with you and everything. Cool. The job is his. All he has to do is show up for the interview. This fool does not call them back in a timely fashion. They cut him some slack. They finally talk to him and this FOOL tells them that he cannot make an interview to have a good job, working good hours, making good pay because he has a dr's appointment. He could not reschedule the dr's appointment.

*staring into space*

Are you kidding me? I apologized to the guy who was gonna hire him on my good name and rep alone. Are you kidding me? I apologized to the young lady who went out on a limb and suggested that he hire the guy too? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

So, with that said, I will not suggest that anyone that I have known less than 1 year apply for a job and use my good name as a reference. You are on your own partna.

Kita

Surer Now

When I was younger, I would often give into peer pressure. Someone could call me a name and I would cry, you could hit me and again , LOL, I would cry. I would not defend myself. I actually believed the garbage that people told me about myself. I was too dark skinned. I was not to bright, that other folks who had the teacher's favor was more intelligent that I was. I actually believed the crap. I did so for a long while. As a matter of fact is followed me into young adulthood. Friends, well so called friends would attack me about some issue in my life. I would probe myself and tear myself down trying to build myself into someone that everyone loved and liked.

Unfortunately, the pressure to be a peace maker was also on me. Can you say people pleasing to the nth degree? My folks and my sis well, heck all of us, had jerk issues, and were in large part a jerky family. If you were sensitive about anything at all we would, the word we would use is tease, but truth is it was an attack on you about that subj or situation. It just was not cool. We tried to play it off, but after a while, that crap just plain old hurt. In attempting to make ourselves tougher we cared less about what we said or did and caused more damage to each other. Not only the kids, sometimes my parents, my mom esp. would take part. As I grew up I told my fam about how I really felt about it. They quit it with me. I also learned how to handle folks like this and what works and what does not. I ain't never ran in the streets, but I can handle myself if I must. Being honest and straight with you, we can joke, but I am not rolling with that attacking stuff. Roll on. I can take constructive criticism about my behavior and reminders about having strong character but an attack against my person will bring either silence or the I don't give a f* about you out of me. Do not disrespect me. My fam and I are straight, and now we all give each other this kind of respect. I mean honestly, how can you expect the world to back up and respect your feelings and wishes and your own fam won't? Not having it. It will not go down in my life. In large part I ignore stupiditiy but ummm....... e'rybody got their breaking point.

What I learned to do when I deal with people who are in large part negative is to stay off of their path. On the real, I do not want you for a friend. Keep it moving. I mean, I am not aching for a fight, nor will I pretend that we are friends. I will treat you with respect and I expect the same from you. If you cannot or will not do that, please desist talking to me. Now, on the real I mean that. If you are one of those folks who can't deal with someone respectfully, even when you are joking around, if you are mean spirited hit it. Bye dumb bunny.

Now, this has created who you see/read before you. Truth is, either you can deal with my you will be all rite and I am gonna march on attitude, or you can't.

I am not one who aches for a fight, and when one comes I decide whether or not I will fight or walk on. I know that in these days and times of people feeling the need to constantly prove themselves, like Neo in the Matrix, I am an anomaly. I know that there are more folks with this attitude, however, I am dealing with a neighborhood full of older black folks who do not seem to get this attitude at all. I will speak to you, hey and bye. I will look out for your home and let you know what is going on in the 'hood if something looks a mess or if there is something pretty cool going on. I will not do any less than those things. If you feel like I should have a convo with you about my personal biz, we are neighbors, we are not friends. If I am comfortable with you yes, but if nonsense ensues and it is continuous I. GOTTA. GO. If you feel that I should bend over backwardz to straighten out silly drama you started, I am cool with you, BUT we are neighbors and NOT friends. Hey and bye is cool with me. I like it like that. All personal stuff has been put down and to the side. My life is simpler when it is like that.

I know that there are some amazed that this IS who and what I am and that I live my life like this REALLY and want me to behave like a fool, but no shawt, this is who I am. I choose the when, where why and how of the battle and the weapons, I really do not care what you choose to do. It is called walking with a smile, and in faith, praying and carrying a big stick boo-boo. If you cannot deal with that go on. I will do what I have to when I choose to. Other than that, go away. Some folks have a bad habit of thinking that folks who are quiet or can smile and keep walking are foolish or weak. Sad. My strength is in my humility and my vulnerability. It is in my God and when it is time to battle, sweetie, titanium is in my back and when I strike it will be with precision. I do not come to kill or maim, I come to obliterate if I must battle. You, well you come with loud sounds and cussing and showing your butt as baboons do. I stepped into the fray and your noise caught my attention giving away your position and I hit you with a poisoned dart. Not enoough to kill you, but enough to knock you out and help you to remember who YOU are in the scheme of things. My job is done. Stay out of my way and choose another for a victim. Game over. Thank God I know Him and have the parents that I have. Thank God I know myself. Thank God I have learned over the years how to forgive and how to move forward.

I am surer now than I was when I listened to the noise and nonsense of others. It is in my walk, talk, laugh and how I carry myself. You must move in your life like you are royalty in an enjoyable, strange and sometimes agressive land. I am anxious for nothing, and there is nothing I am worrying about. I keep it moving ya'll, keep it moving.

Silly so called grown folks in my 'hood. Grow up. And please note that I will continue to hold my head high. Remember folks: Keep it moving like you are royalty with an eye out for poisoned arrows and silly fools and you will not get your foot or butt stuck in the crap that belongs rightly beneath your feet. Not saying you are better than anyone, now don't get it twisted, just saying do not get caught in another persons load of BS. Feel me?

Smooches,

Kita

Scared

Hey. I got a secret. You know, when you meet someone in your mind, they are in this perfect place, and you are too and then you hear some great Luther and everything is off the chain and then you know credits...the happy life, the pony and let us not forget the mansion, the Lexus, you know that happy life.

I am not sure if that is so realistic. Let me rephrase that, I am coming out of la-la land.

You gotta work with people where they are. You gotta let somebody love you where you are and trust, in some serious area that THEY really do not want to be bothered with, THEY are gonna have to decide to forgive or support you about that ISSUE. Watevah the situation may be.

In other words, dare to love somebody who is imperfect, getting it together, living and growing in every day life and leave the fear alone. Dare. To. Love. I did not say try to fix a man or woman, I said love them. Ok now. That is all.

Kita

My Drumbeats

Well,
I gotta keep marching to my own drum,
listening to my own heart beat
feeling my own rhthym,
and IF by doing that I lose a few folks along the way
I wish them well and favor overflowing
I gotta keep walking
To my own dang drum
Adios, friend of mine
Adios
The world keeps spinning and
the season keeps changing and I wish you all of the best
but
Ciao' dear friend
I hate to see you go, but I too deserve to go thru life
in the way that I feel is best
It is my God given right and I REVEL
in it
so you may keep your silence
you may even disapprove
I never asked you to always agree with me
I have decided to move with my own groove
so I will see you
and though it hurts to pull
Away I wish you well
as I say Ciao'

Much Love Chik friend mine, but not this time. I am not giving in to peer pressure. I am dating. Whether it is online or in person, I will continue to date. I am sorry that you want to judge me, but I am glad to understand that this is a place I finally UNDERSTAND I must again keep you out of. If this is where our friendship ends, or even if it is merely changing that is fine.

Not today.....

OK. I know that I cannot do anything about stoopit people. I cannot wish them away, push them off of a cliff etc. However, I can be honest about how I really feel so here goes.

I think my neighbors is bonkers. She and her husband need to stay away from me.
I think the guys I am meeting are busters.

OK. I feel better. Really, considering I have PMS today, I am being pretty good, pretty cool. I am going to stay to myself for a while, and keep the other kiddies safe. LOL.