ME & Relationships

The thought has been roaming in my head and getting a bit louder now. Why are you not involved with anyone? What is really going on with that part of the deal?

I know that I have a smart mouth, and that I can be a bit difficult. So can everybody else and I do not know a soul who is not a jerk in one way or the other. Heck, if he is gonna dish it in my life he is taking a full plate with him, whateva. But seriously, I have been thinking about his thing. I have not bothered to become serious about men in a little minute. I kinda reached my limit, and now that I am about the business of getting myself together again that hope that I thought was killed after dealing with some of the guys that I have met recently. I realize that it may have something to do with my attitude. I am not trusting much right now. I expect guys to act foolish or to be rude or to be discorteous or for me to have to defend myself or maybe cuss him out. I prepare for diaster when it is probably just a misunderstanding. Sad, I know, but when you are trained in relationship triage before you know it that is all that you do. You stop sharing yourself, your dreams and waiting for him to share his and become his friend. I am working on this problem. Yes I admit I have a problem because I am super impatient with men. I mean, if they are suppose to know what they want then why can't they voice it.

The issue here is that I know better. I have examples of good and positive guys all about me. I really do. I do not believe jumping into a relationship when I am clearly not ready to be intimate etc. And I am not. I can admit it. I am not ready for the demands and all of the understanding and being patient and wondering is he retarded or is he joking around or is there an honest miscommunication going on, dealing with crazy family folks - both mine and his. I do not know if I want someone to know all of my indiosyncracies. I like hiding my form of crazy.
That way I do not feel so nuts and out of it. I do not know if I am ready to have to tell him no, or the truth even when it is gonna hurt us. I do not know if I am ready for the resposnibility that it takes to maintain a relationship, the caring of the male ego the creatinga boundary that does not create a rift and a divide we can't cross. I do not know if I am ready for that. Understanding about the baby momma and the other drama. I do not know if I am ready to cut through the crap the machismo etc to see the man and for that matter I do understand where the guy is coming from hell, nobody likes anyone to see all of their scars and hurt and ..... It gives that person ammunition to use against you and they know exactly where to hit if they plan to hurt.

I know, I know. I keep looking for a way or a reason not to go through with it, which means that I will only have me to look at if I never take a chance and I never meet the guy. This risk and chance thing is scary. Fo' real. I guess that is why I never let a guy really get close. Well that and other circumstances from my past. I am putting that down though to go for my joy. Fear and all ya'll. this time I will remember to honor and respect me. If I am falling off, I am sure the spirit and my friends will get at me.

I ain't a bitchy chick. I ain't a chick that like to fight and argue. I will walk away. I am not one of those women you can't talk to, but I will not sit and be disrespected by you. I expect you to go out of your way on my behalf, because honestly I will do that for you. I do not have you locked into a lifestyle. If you want to be a teacher and come off of that exec salary and we can both still be happy and cool, bro do what you do. I am down for being happy and I am down for being respected and I am gonna respect you too. I am not down for BS. I know that relationships, well this getting to know you thing is like a game and that some folks, not all but some are out to conquer and destroy and that I am not the only woman who has been hurt or made some stupid decisions. I do know this. I know that guys get hurt to, and dammit I want to be brave. However, I think this time I will be human and take care of me. Yeah, I am going to get back out here, damn straight. I am not looking for a free ride, I am looking for a good man and like I exist he does too. More than one I know cause I got a bucket load I can look to for support etc.

I have made a decision to move forward on the relationship front. Wish me the best ya'll. Me I will be praying for the best.

Kita

Soul lover

Anyway. Do not get any ideas. I am loving me fo' I love my him. Got that? mmmkay.

I love indie, neo soul music. Yes, I like rap etc., but I love soul music. Stuff that says something bout something more than booty, sex, fighting, shooting, and other bs that nobody really wants in their life. No glorification of those things that even the hardest guy would admit he does not want to live through. I mean really. Who really wants to be a pimp, a thug etc. Nobody really.

Anyway I digress. I am going to listen to some musik and stir my soul up and keep thangs a bit more peaceful for me for a sec or two. I am looking through Billboad mag and note all of these soul folks, and diferent online stations and different stuff and ... it was truly like heaven.

Uuuuh. I gotta take a test today for my Crit Thinking class. Ummm. this is some bs but I am gonna do my best. I hate stuff with those three million rules, but dang it I gotta pass to get my degree.

Aaaaiiight.

Kita

Lately ...

LatelyI have had so much peace of mind I felt like dancin'. I am so happy. I am changing ya'll. Now do not get me wrong, this crap hurts. But I will be ok.

I saw my dear old friend this morning, at first I did not know who she was. She tried to pull in front of me as we got on the highway and I just was not in the mood to let anyone in front of me. I did not know it was her though. It is all good. I still pray the very best for her and wish her well. I am grieving over the friendship, but frankly I know it is for the best. She is not gonna stop being herself or becoming who she feels she must, and I will not stop doing what I must either. I leave that friendship along with a clear conscience. I am so proud that I did not show my butt.

I know that I had much to do with why we got her. I overcompensated for myself, not wanting to disrupt my peace that I longed for after a good run at fighting. Continuously fighting with folks I love - arguing, getting into heated ugly nasty confrontations. Enough. I had it. I overcompensated though for the sake of a fake peace. That overcompensating brought in confusion and misunderstanding obviously. She forgot who I was, and I guess I did too. Oh well.

I am fully awake now and not in the mood for BS. No more disrespect. Love her, I will see her around.

I am being a responsible adult and getting some stuff done at my home. Nothing like taking care of home. It is a bit difficult and expensive but your girl got plans she gotta fulfill. Feel me?

Moving forward,
Kita

Hard to ...

I am writing this cause I need to. I will no longer hide behind the fat that I have used as protection from life. It has not insulated me from pain, it does not control who comes in and out of my life, it does not help me. It has hampered my healing and my happiness, it has enabled my feeling of helplessness, it has assisted others in treating me with disrespect and like a victim. I am no one's victim. I am no less of a person than anyone else and should be treated with a high decorum of respect like I treat everyone else. Holding on to my excess weight with both hands causes me pain, damages my health and assist me with keeping a victim stance. I keep acting and behaving like a victim and I hide from life instead of embracing it. I can no longer do this. This is not an issue of being full figured for me, this is about being out and out unhealthy in a way that is damaging me and making my life difficult and my soul tired. I long for a life that I enjoy living, that I dare to live. In the same way that I have recently walked away from friends that cause me harm intentionallyand unintentionaly with callous treatment, who emotionally, mentally and spiritually drain me or who attempt to convince me that I am not good enough, I began to walk away from my excess weight. I walk away from its so called "protection". As a molested child I felt I needed it, as a young adult it legitimized the reasons that I kept out of uncomfortable situations and the challenge to change. As I have gotten older it feels like a prison that I must break out of in order to live a fuller and better life.

In giving up my excess weight I am changing my identity. I can't just get away with cracking a joke, laughing it off, trying not to get angry and not being bitchy. In giving up my excess weight my victim status is gone, and I will not just be the fat friend that people keep around to make themselves feel better. It has been a large part of my comfort zone for 17+ years. I created a world and my existence around being a big girl who never gets the guy she wants (never really tried ya'll that meant opening myself up to pain and dissapointment), who never got the life she wanted (that meant risk) who never spoke up and made herself heard (that meant losing the few friends that I had and folks that I liked - ultimately disrespecting myself) who never took the classes, took the chances did anything that would mean real change, positive permanent change. It is hard to admit, but this is about me moving forward, not about me being staying where I am. Hell, I am not really happy nor healthy where I am. I am making a committment to myself to be happy and full of joy. Authentically full of joy and love and care for myself and others.

I make no more promises to others until I keep the ones that I have made and make to myself. I am diligently working on loving myself and truly becoming my own best friend. It is hard to pull back the different layers and look at the dysfunction and decide what I am going to do about it. To confront it weep about it and then to decide I will let it air so that it can heal, truly heal. God I am glad to see brings a comforting healing balm. I am worth any of the pain that comes about due to the changes I am making in my life. The pain will be over soon enough. This journey I am on is not for the weak. I am realizing that more and more that deciding to start on it was the boldest and yet the easiest thing to do. Staying on this journey takes a lot more heart and tenacity. I know that God will be with me. I will learn to respect and take care of myself. No more fronting ya'll. I gotta live this life like it is truly mine and I like I have the responsibility and the right to live it as fully as I can. I am starting today.

Moving forward.... one determined step at a time

Kita

Storms - thank you!

I noticed that I got caught up in the eye of the storm going round and round and round and round and this crap went on for years.

Lately I decided that it was time to make the drama the nonsense and watching life just pass me by stop. No more living by another's life expectations and what they think is right. Too much living from another's standpoint take you away from the stuff .... your purpose.

I have made some pretty big decisions in the last few months. Good decisions, solid decisions. I am becoming a CASA, I will be certified in June. I am returning to church, early morning services and tithing /supporting in ways that I can. I am leaving an old friend as an old friend because there seems to be little to no respect for other people's decisions and choices - serious issues and I am not having it anymore. She has no respect for what a persons story is, the backstory that she may not know about. No I am not discussing this issue with her because she likes to couch her ideas in God which automatically means that if you disagree with her you must not agree with, have faith in, etc. God. I know that this is crap, but she calls it being convicted instead of calling it her opinion. Of course I do not agree with her, but I can love her from a distance and keep living my life. I honestly love her and wish her well. On the strength, I am not one of those people that tell folks her serious fam business easily and she threw a decision that she did not agree with in my face because I did not agree with her on an issue. Not because we were talking about my decision now, I actually shared with her a painful experience a friend of mine was going through, and when I did not agree with how she thought my friend should have reacted to her experience, she called herself trying to get rowdy throwing a decision I made in my face because I did not agree with her and she did not agree with my decision. We previously discussed my issue and I stood firm on my decision. What she did is called is a low blow. That is cool. With no trust and respect there is no friendship with me, period. I do not trust her now because of that. If you go after me like that about something that has nothing to do with me, about someone you are merely associated with )whose parent is having a serious health issue by the way) and do not know.. where else would you go if it was serious and it was about me? That is not going to work well with me at all. I will see her around. School is going fine, and I am readily admitting that taking two classes per semester and working full time will be it for me. Three is out of the question.

I am honestly dealing with my emotional issues and my connections to food and stress and how I handle things. I am honestly dealing with my isses on pleasing people. No more of that. I will not be rude, but I am not putting up with that crap. Get off me.

I am slowly moving back into making associates and friends, and getting comfortable with just dating. No expectations in the dating thing except friendship.

Still growing, still changing, still challenging myself and my beliefs about people, life, happiness, relationships, joy, God etc. I like where I am now. I am beginning the process of really loving me and getting a firm foundation in the process.

It has not been easy and there has been a lot of bravado on my part, but everything has played a part into where I am now. That is allright with me. I am not the angry black woman, nor am I the super black woman, I am not the rug that you stand on. I am a sweet, creative, forgiving, considerate, kind, loving person with a temper. I try not to let the monster out, unless you really are that stupid. I still am not a fan of stupid folks but I now grasp that some folks are just ignorant, and I should let them show me who they are instead of jumping to conclusion kicking their asses first and asking questions later cause they ticked me off. I am not very confrontational, I have fought all of my life and there comes a time when you get tired of the sh--. I am right there with the fighting/ confrontational thing. No more drama. No more nonsense. I battle when I decide, and I choose what constitutes a battle for me and what does not. I accept folks where they are and I expect that same type of respect. Yeah, you can tell me your opinion but I make my choice and accept my consequences. Get off me and out of my face when I have told you what my decision is. Respect me or move on. I do not get why people do not understand that support does not mean agree with every decision a person makes, it means standing by them because you realize you do not know the entire story, but you trust this person to do the best they can with what they know and you love them enough to help them adjust themselves if they need to. Keep your I told you so's. If life was about perfection there would not be a need for redemption, or Jesus. You would not learn anything just go through the motions, and I am not going to be one to do that. If that is your choice move on. I make my choices and I do not owe you an explanation as to how I got there. Get over yourself.

I am falling in love with myself and life. I am demanding and going for the life that I want and need to enhance my growth. I realize and understand now that change is good, though it is often in the beginning painful. I am beginning to conciously live looking through my own eyes. God thank you so much for these lessons and opportunities. Storms come for a reason. I would have never known or came to love myself like this without them. I would not have the same type of insight without the pain and crap from my past. I know about a fraction of the strength I have because of the storms that I have beheld, lived in the midst of and came out from. I know now about the support and love of God, His mercy, His joy, His faithfullness and His grace. It is more than sufficient. I am so thankful. Thank you Lord. Amen.

Get up get out and do..

don't get locked into mistakes
you got living to do
if you don't begin the healing process
Yeah I know its painful but its better than
life continuously repeating on you
til' you face the demons that your soul harm
Life tossed out trashed and smashed as in the midst of a storm
only little pieces left
your gifts swandered freinds wander away
and you left alone to wonder about where you are
stuck in a cyclone of confusion
disillusion and pain
that only standing up and facing it can cut through
so lean in close
I
will be your muse
your guru
TRUE Listening to and respecting yourself
is the ultimate healer boo- God talking then and He speaks the truth
create the life that you want by walking away from others
the friends that cut they held you back
weren't meant to walk witcha forever
beckoning in the distance are a life that will with time fade
forgive, forget, cuss out move on, heal
into your better days.
moving forward is a gift that only you yourself may give
it ain't easy, some will try to stop it
the tiniest step forward will make it live
if you've been coasting on some bs
that someone spewed or a mistake
get up move on forgive them yourself
do so with much haste
cuss them out leave them there do not fear the
call of your new atmosphere
cause eagles were born to fly and
panthers are called to roam and
it is time for you to do what you must and make your
new path your own.
Life ain't for those who are too afraid to fall down that they won't try
that is some bs crap that someone spit to excuse the
reasons why
they still stuck and unhappy and miserable
beating down on e'rybody
Life is for those who dare and do
those who try and fly
impossible is just another word to them
They have decided to move on and get by
the guru has spoken and the muse has got ya' thinkin'
don't get caught in a photo shot sitting still thinking its your life that you are redeeming
get up cause a good try and fight might get ya where you are heading
forgive forget cuss out move on forward
enjoy the anticipation of getting the life you want
the one God promised you
get up get out and move something
stop letting life just pass you
Get motivated, get busy and make your life happen.

@Kitadiva 6/2/06

Stop saying moo...

Moving along. I like to keep it moving. Look at the flowers, the trees, the road kill even pull over and think and pray about it, but I keep moving ya'll. That is the way it goes folks.

OK. Stop saying moo and following a crowd.

I am not bougie. Well, I am not one of those folks who think think that the job I have and the money I make makes me. Like I got this one, it can be snatched away or I can get a better one. I am blessed and I do not pretend otherwise, but I do not act better than you just becasue I am doing well, or because I know a little bit more or because I have experiences you do not. That is cool. This ain't no proving mission, Mission Impossible v. 2.4 Get real. People who are like that irritate the hell out of me. Now that does not mean that I do not have standards, however my standards are about character to wit some of the most so-called ghetto folks are cooler to me than some of the bougie ones. I have also experienced some people who will fool ya with the right talk and right phrases but they are just playing the "I am Bougie too, Let's talk" game. I am aiight with those folks. I wish that they would not play, but I guess some folks gotta play in order to make life better for others so I watch amused and they play folks to the left and then later talk about how infantile they are, how childish or how .... bougie.

Now do not get me wrong. Being bougie is not when you introduce yourself to a better way of living and instead of your child thinking she wants to be like Dora the Explorer she would rather be a Princess. No. Being bougie is when you buy into the trappings of what the things say that you are. The Lex says that I am better and smarter than you. No, sharing info with those that are ignorant and enlightening them for a better way to save money, spend money, go to school, get into a field they are interested in, sweetie, that is when you are better and smarter. Ya'll know what I am saying. Being bougie is not the way in how you live, or what you deem meets your standards ie. a certain brand of shoe or cereal. It is not what behavior you think is appropriate in certain situations either. Being bougie is when you think that because you have this shoe or this thing you cannot relate to someone who is struggling or it is so far beneath you that to identify with that, help out another when you can, and to be mindful that there are others fighting that battle that is old to you now and remaining somewhat humbled by what you made it through and over well that would be sacreligious. It is forgetting that just because someone has not been exposed it does not make them less than.... you or anyone else. That is what bougie is. It is an attitude or superiority due to experiences or material things. Being bougie is neglecting your responsibility to help your fellow man with info, assistance or even basic compassion.

This attitude seperates us, making a us against them attitude. For example the trappings of material wealth have influenced the workings of some churches. The trappings of material wealth has determined what some feel that a church should look like, how the members should dress and what the preacher should be about and (lol) possess. Now again, if the church is in an affluent area I do understand, but if someone comes in who are having financial or family issues how those church members treat them, with disdain or compassion does determine whether wealth, good standing or God is the reason that they are truly there. The very place where inclusion and uplifting should be has become a place where to often those who are struggling are made to feel ashamed or not blessed by God (which is ridiculous. good health, a strong family, love etc. are blessing from God and a lot more valuable) due to not having a host of material things. It is pretty sad.

No. I am not one of those who beleive in poverty. Not. ME! However, I am one of those who does know that when you are blessed your life should be a blessing to others and not about just being better than someone else. Your life, y0ur activities etc should reflect your purpose and your passions. Or who or what are you really living for? Not only that, when getting that thing that makes you better than everyone else is your main concern, ummm, that is your main focus how are you really enjoying life anyway always focusing on what someone else says will make your life special or you better than someone? It is a fight of futility. Not only that it makes us all conformist, which I am completely against in some instances. It affects our culture in negative ways and make us more susceptible to doing things we would not do and do not enjoy doing trying to keep up with who and what? Wateva.

Who ultimately benefits from this attitude then of I have this so I am better than you? Who got some of ya'll constantly playing this futile game? You work for them, their execs make millions you make less than 1 tenth - dare I say less than 1 percent of their salaries every year. As any true researcher eventually finds out, follow the money and there's your answer. Business. Big business. Their not all evil, but to many could give a crap less about their workers and less about their consumers. The advertisements, the entertainment and the laws are all there for them to make more money and more money and more money. I mean look at the FDA laws about food, how calories are counted what kind of crap and feces are allowed and it is NOT a low number ya'll. It is usually hovering around 20%. Who in the crap does that benefit again? Keep the poor impoverished, make them spend hard earned cash to feel better cause of a name on their butt, chest or face. Make it expensive as all get out to purchase. Pay the folks in Taiwan etc. .80 an hour to keep making it. Charge the US folks $100 + to get it. Make over 100% profit. Come up with a different item, an updated version. Watch them scramble to purchase it again. They want to feel better and do not want to deal with the real work of getting to better so let's let them think they can buy it or eat it or go here or there to get it. Falling for this hype is stupid. Bougie even.

Stop saying moo and determine your own standards, live life the way that you need to. Get mentally free. And financially free. And intellectually free. Get free.

Kita

golden...

Feels good, it is as one of my favorite artists sings, like "The golden time of day".


At peace, "Livin' my life like its golden" ya'll

Just a great and fulfilling time of day.


Moving forward ya'll. Backwards is no longer an option.