ME & Relationships

The thought has been roaming in my head and getting a bit louder now. Why are you not involved with anyone? What is really going on with that part of the deal?

I know that I have a smart mouth, and that I can be a bit difficult. So can everybody else and I do not know a soul who is not a jerk in one way or the other. Heck, if he is gonna dish it in my life he is taking a full plate with him, whateva. But seriously, I have been thinking about his thing. I have not bothered to become serious about men in a little minute. I kinda reached my limit, and now that I am about the business of getting myself together again that hope that I thought was killed after dealing with some of the guys that I have met recently. I realize that it may have something to do with my attitude. I am not trusting much right now. I expect guys to act foolish or to be rude or to be discorteous or for me to have to defend myself or maybe cuss him out. I prepare for diaster when it is probably just a misunderstanding. Sad, I know, but when you are trained in relationship triage before you know it that is all that you do. You stop sharing yourself, your dreams and waiting for him to share his and become his friend. I am working on this problem. Yes I admit I have a problem because I am super impatient with men. I mean, if they are suppose to know what they want then why can't they voice it.

The issue here is that I know better. I have examples of good and positive guys all about me. I really do. I do not believe jumping into a relationship when I am clearly not ready to be intimate etc. And I am not. I can admit it. I am not ready for the demands and all of the understanding and being patient and wondering is he retarded or is he joking around or is there an honest miscommunication going on, dealing with crazy family folks - both mine and his. I do not know if I want someone to know all of my indiosyncracies. I like hiding my form of crazy.
That way I do not feel so nuts and out of it. I do not know if I am ready to have to tell him no, or the truth even when it is gonna hurt us. I do not know if I am ready for the resposnibility that it takes to maintain a relationship, the caring of the male ego the creatinga boundary that does not create a rift and a divide we can't cross. I do not know if I am ready for that. Understanding about the baby momma and the other drama. I do not know if I am ready to cut through the crap the machismo etc to see the man and for that matter I do understand where the guy is coming from hell, nobody likes anyone to see all of their scars and hurt and ..... It gives that person ammunition to use against you and they know exactly where to hit if they plan to hurt.

I know, I know. I keep looking for a way or a reason not to go through with it, which means that I will only have me to look at if I never take a chance and I never meet the guy. This risk and chance thing is scary. Fo' real. I guess that is why I never let a guy really get close. Well that and other circumstances from my past. I am putting that down though to go for my joy. Fear and all ya'll. this time I will remember to honor and respect me. If I am falling off, I am sure the spirit and my friends will get at me.

I ain't a bitchy chick. I ain't a chick that like to fight and argue. I will walk away. I am not one of those women you can't talk to, but I will not sit and be disrespected by you. I expect you to go out of your way on my behalf, because honestly I will do that for you. I do not have you locked into a lifestyle. If you want to be a teacher and come off of that exec salary and we can both still be happy and cool, bro do what you do. I am down for being happy and I am down for being respected and I am gonna respect you too. I am not down for BS. I know that relationships, well this getting to know you thing is like a game and that some folks, not all but some are out to conquer and destroy and that I am not the only woman who has been hurt or made some stupid decisions. I do know this. I know that guys get hurt to, and dammit I want to be brave. However, I think this time I will be human and take care of me. Yeah, I am going to get back out here, damn straight. I am not looking for a free ride, I am looking for a good man and like I exist he does too. More than one I know cause I got a bucket load I can look to for support etc.

I have made a decision to move forward on the relationship front. Wish me the best ya'll. Me I will be praying for the best.

Kita