Storms - thank you!

I noticed that I got caught up in the eye of the storm going round and round and round and round and this crap went on for years.

Lately I decided that it was time to make the drama the nonsense and watching life just pass me by stop. No more living by another's life expectations and what they think is right. Too much living from another's standpoint take you away from the stuff .... your purpose.

I have made some pretty big decisions in the last few months. Good decisions, solid decisions. I am becoming a CASA, I will be certified in June. I am returning to church, early morning services and tithing /supporting in ways that I can. I am leaving an old friend as an old friend because there seems to be little to no respect for other people's decisions and choices - serious issues and I am not having it anymore. She has no respect for what a persons story is, the backstory that she may not know about. No I am not discussing this issue with her because she likes to couch her ideas in God which automatically means that if you disagree with her you must not agree with, have faith in, etc. God. I know that this is crap, but she calls it being convicted instead of calling it her opinion. Of course I do not agree with her, but I can love her from a distance and keep living my life. I honestly love her and wish her well. On the strength, I am not one of those people that tell folks her serious fam business easily and she threw a decision that she did not agree with in my face because I did not agree with her on an issue. Not because we were talking about my decision now, I actually shared with her a painful experience a friend of mine was going through, and when I did not agree with how she thought my friend should have reacted to her experience, she called herself trying to get rowdy throwing a decision I made in my face because I did not agree with her and she did not agree with my decision. We previously discussed my issue and I stood firm on my decision. What she did is called is a low blow. That is cool. With no trust and respect there is no friendship with me, period. I do not trust her now because of that. If you go after me like that about something that has nothing to do with me, about someone you are merely associated with )whose parent is having a serious health issue by the way) and do not know.. where else would you go if it was serious and it was about me? That is not going to work well with me at all. I will see her around. School is going fine, and I am readily admitting that taking two classes per semester and working full time will be it for me. Three is out of the question.

I am honestly dealing with my emotional issues and my connections to food and stress and how I handle things. I am honestly dealing with my isses on pleasing people. No more of that. I will not be rude, but I am not putting up with that crap. Get off me.

I am slowly moving back into making associates and friends, and getting comfortable with just dating. No expectations in the dating thing except friendship.

Still growing, still changing, still challenging myself and my beliefs about people, life, happiness, relationships, joy, God etc. I like where I am now. I am beginning the process of really loving me and getting a firm foundation in the process.

It has not been easy and there has been a lot of bravado on my part, but everything has played a part into where I am now. That is allright with me. I am not the angry black woman, nor am I the super black woman, I am not the rug that you stand on. I am a sweet, creative, forgiving, considerate, kind, loving person with a temper. I try not to let the monster out, unless you really are that stupid. I still am not a fan of stupid folks but I now grasp that some folks are just ignorant, and I should let them show me who they are instead of jumping to conclusion kicking their asses first and asking questions later cause they ticked me off. I am not very confrontational, I have fought all of my life and there comes a time when you get tired of the sh--. I am right there with the fighting/ confrontational thing. No more drama. No more nonsense. I battle when I decide, and I choose what constitutes a battle for me and what does not. I accept folks where they are and I expect that same type of respect. Yeah, you can tell me your opinion but I make my choice and accept my consequences. Get off me and out of my face when I have told you what my decision is. Respect me or move on. I do not get why people do not understand that support does not mean agree with every decision a person makes, it means standing by them because you realize you do not know the entire story, but you trust this person to do the best they can with what they know and you love them enough to help them adjust themselves if they need to. Keep your I told you so's. If life was about perfection there would not be a need for redemption, or Jesus. You would not learn anything just go through the motions, and I am not going to be one to do that. If that is your choice move on. I make my choices and I do not owe you an explanation as to how I got there. Get over yourself.

I am falling in love with myself and life. I am demanding and going for the life that I want and need to enhance my growth. I realize and understand now that change is good, though it is often in the beginning painful. I am beginning to conciously live looking through my own eyes. God thank you so much for these lessons and opportunities. Storms come for a reason. I would have never known or came to love myself like this without them. I would not have the same type of insight without the pain and crap from my past. I know about a fraction of the strength I have because of the storms that I have beheld, lived in the midst of and came out from. I know now about the support and love of God, His mercy, His joy, His faithfullness and His grace. It is more than sufficient. I am so thankful. Thank you Lord. Amen.