Hard to ...

I am writing this cause I need to. I will no longer hide behind the fat that I have used as protection from life. It has not insulated me from pain, it does not control who comes in and out of my life, it does not help me. It has hampered my healing and my happiness, it has enabled my feeling of helplessness, it has assisted others in treating me with disrespect and like a victim. I am no one's victim. I am no less of a person than anyone else and should be treated with a high decorum of respect like I treat everyone else. Holding on to my excess weight with both hands causes me pain, damages my health and assist me with keeping a victim stance. I keep acting and behaving like a victim and I hide from life instead of embracing it. I can no longer do this. This is not an issue of being full figured for me, this is about being out and out unhealthy in a way that is damaging me and making my life difficult and my soul tired. I long for a life that I enjoy living, that I dare to live. In the same way that I have recently walked away from friends that cause me harm intentionallyand unintentionaly with callous treatment, who emotionally, mentally and spiritually drain me or who attempt to convince me that I am not good enough, I began to walk away from my excess weight. I walk away from its so called "protection". As a molested child I felt I needed it, as a young adult it legitimized the reasons that I kept out of uncomfortable situations and the challenge to change. As I have gotten older it feels like a prison that I must break out of in order to live a fuller and better life.

In giving up my excess weight I am changing my identity. I can't just get away with cracking a joke, laughing it off, trying not to get angry and not being bitchy. In giving up my excess weight my victim status is gone, and I will not just be the fat friend that people keep around to make themselves feel better. It has been a large part of my comfort zone for 17+ years. I created a world and my existence around being a big girl who never gets the guy she wants (never really tried ya'll that meant opening myself up to pain and dissapointment), who never got the life she wanted (that meant risk) who never spoke up and made herself heard (that meant losing the few friends that I had and folks that I liked - ultimately disrespecting myself) who never took the classes, took the chances did anything that would mean real change, positive permanent change. It is hard to admit, but this is about me moving forward, not about me being staying where I am. Hell, I am not really happy nor healthy where I am. I am making a committment to myself to be happy and full of joy. Authentically full of joy and love and care for myself and others.

I make no more promises to others until I keep the ones that I have made and make to myself. I am diligently working on loving myself and truly becoming my own best friend. It is hard to pull back the different layers and look at the dysfunction and decide what I am going to do about it. To confront it weep about it and then to decide I will let it air so that it can heal, truly heal. God I am glad to see brings a comforting healing balm. I am worth any of the pain that comes about due to the changes I am making in my life. The pain will be over soon enough. This journey I am on is not for the weak. I am realizing that more and more that deciding to start on it was the boldest and yet the easiest thing to do. Staying on this journey takes a lot more heart and tenacity. I know that God will be with me. I will learn to respect and take care of myself. No more fronting ya'll. I gotta live this life like it is truly mine and I like I have the responsibility and the right to live it as fully as I can. I am starting today.

Moving forward.... one determined step at a time

Kita