Entertainment vs. Relationship

You know, I am thinking of how I relate to people and how I do in relationships. Really, I enjoy being entertained. Let me say that again, as honestly as I can. I like to be entertained. If you are not entertaining me, why am I still talking to you? I know that it sounds rather silly, but honestly I have dealt with realtionships in this way for a good minute.

Getting to know someone, or letting them really get to know me is scary. I create walls, I put up barriers then I blame the guy, well somewhat anyway. Heck, it takes a real woman or man to admit that. So after I pat myself on the back I will move forward. *patting back* Now, here we go. I learned to do this when I was younger, I think the only folks I allow to really know me are.... hmmmm. I kind of keep people at bay until I get to know them, no emotional nothing. I do not cry or get upset in front of people easily, I do not..... hmmmm. Maybe the problem is that I do not warm up quickly to folks. Maybe I figure that people will not do this with me either. I like to present myself in a certain way, yeah I got control issues, but I will let you see parts of me.

Once I am sure that you will not intentionally hurt me, I let you get close. I joke around with you, and this is how I get comfy with you. After that I will let you see all of me, the good, bad, indifferent, ugly, sensual, sexual, sweet, classy etc. You do know that I am mad multifaceted right? LOL!!

I guess this time I will take a chance and let someone see who I am and what I am about. I want to be a bit vulnerable, and my eyes will tell you my story if I look at you too long, so I don't. Seriously. However, I will take my time and learn you. I know it ain't fair but sooooo wwhhaatt. My heart is really, well my ego and my feelings are really ... you know.... I am strong but when I let you in my heart I melt and I do not like feeling that vulnerable. However, I really am one of the sweetest folks you will ever meet.

In a word I am afraid, so I am gonna pray to God about it and let me shine through. Please cover the guy I am talking to eyes ya'll. I kinda shine brightly when I take the cover up off.

Pray for me.

Kita