I know my name..
My brain is swarming with ideas and thoughts. Corrections are being made in my thought process. I have sinned. I have settled for a life and a way of being and thinking that does not lift me up. I forgot my name.
I am blessed with a beautiful name. My parents unknowingly gave me a name that means, well part of it means, " the victory of the people". Everytime I think of my name and the dream I had when I went through the tough emotional and financial times, every time I think of how I was told by God that my name once was Jakob but it had since been changed I try hard not to cry.
Let me explain. During one time in my life I let men take advantage of me. Not sexual, all of the time anyway, but advantage none the less. It is not like I did not know, it is more like I did not care and I definitely did not love me. Not in the way that I should. Could you physically do something to me, no. I warned any man, and warn any man straight, I will have fried man with a side or grits if you ever get that bold. I ain't playing. Keep your hands to yourself. It ticks me off just thinking about some so called man putting his hands on me to hurt me. Yeah, sucka, I am taking dna from you, any which way I can. Move that along.
Let me get off of that. Whhhoooooooossssssssssaaaaaahhhhhh. A few deep breaths ya'll and I will be right with you. * * * * * OK
But I did let myself be used. Too nice, too willing to please, no back bone. You could take advantage of me as long as you were there with me. Then it went too far and I had to fight to keep my house. I had to throw that fool out. I had to examine how I lived, thought, and how much I REALLY loved myself. I had to move in with my parents for 6 months and just pay the mortgage. I had to check in with how much did I REALLY love God, how much did I really believe in His promises? Found I was lacking in both departments, seriously. I did not trust Him, did not Love Him or myself as I should have. Start putting my life in check. The colored glasses were thrown in the trash. I started dealing with life the way it really was. There was more upheaval, friends who really did not get it at all start coming at me about my relationship with church while I was concerned about my relationship with God and Self. My friend did not get it and I had to forgive her. She kept trying to invalidate my life experiences, which is ridiculous. I mean, if we all have our God given own purpose for being here, our experiences are crucial to becoming who God wants us to become. I had to forgive her, and have to continuously forgive her for that faux pas. One day she will get it, but until then I will not stress about her lack of understanding. I gotta do what I got to do. I went to find God for myself, cried my eyes out, talked to Him constantly, stopped taking her calls cause she did not get it, she had to be booted out of my life for a while. I was in my valley deep down in there with nothing but smooth rocks on each side of me. I was stuck there for a purpose, God's.
When I finally asked God to show me what was my problem, he led me to the story of Jakob. At first I was ashamed. I mean, yeah I tried to constantly be the good girl etc, but I never wanted to hurt anyone or upsurp anyone. I did not get it. I did not get the meaning at all. I thought that all God was saying was what my friend said, you wrestle with me and you are foolish and to dang stubborn. I was so ashamed of who I was, like I needed more of that. I did not get it, and when I talked to my friend about it, you got it, every little negative atttribute possible was assigned to that revelation.
In God's infinte wisdom and grace, after I had another soul wrenching session with Him, I slept and had a profound dream. I was in my old childhood home. See, the old family home was destroyed by a tree, so the new home was on the same property. I looked out of the big plate window that we had and saw a tree in the backyard on fire. I grew up on an acre of land in the heart of ATL ya'll. The land behind the family home to this day is covered with bushes and trees and other stuff I will never get close to, ok? Anyway , I tried to get my mama, my dad, my sis and brother to see this tree. No one could see it. I was transfixed by the tree, and this was a huge Christmas tree on fire. How in the heck did they not see that ya'll? Next thing I know the tree and everything around it went into a total blaze and everything was gone, the house, my parents, my sibs, everything. I closed my eyes and ya'll when I opened them again I was pro'lly 3 feet from this tree and it was still on fire!! There was water and cool green grass and animals and I stood there looking in complete awe. I slowly and fearfully went up to that tree. I got on my knees, and reached out to this tree. As I did so I heard a voice say "Do you know how much I love you Beloved?" I woke up crying. Anyway, trying not to cry as I write this. God definitely had my attention. The changes that I needed to make in my life started that day. Foolish Pride left, I needed a roommate, asked my friend to move in. That was a bet. Thank you God. Stopped talking to my other friend for a while. Yes, she is God led, but she don't know nothing about what God has in purpose for me and my life. He talked to me about that, she gotta go on with that other ka-ka. Can't take the constant barrage of complaints and criticism even as I tell you how God came to me. This is not about church, this is about God and my relationship and trust with Him. Be gone. I joined a church that I am a still a member of, but I have not gone for several months. Another heart to heart with God was needed. I needed HIM. I am not going to apologize for that need. I could have gone back 3 months ago, but I got into the habit of sleeping late on Sunday, and you know, I do not go to my church after 7:30 service, it takes forevah to get out when you do. That is not for the kid. I am returning soon. Back to the story.
When I got back into the townhome, I dated some more, had a few sexual encounters that I regretted. Cut that crap out after the second guy. Stopped taking so much crap from people, and stopped trying to fit in all the dang time. If you do not like me find a butt cheek and give it a kiss. Holla back. Got my smart mouth back and started watching how I think, how I allow myself to be treated and started correcting folks about that there too. Nonna that. Get on. Also start letting folks know when I appreciated them, that I loved them. More importantly I began to get why I HAD to have God on the throne, not anybody else including myself. Constantly correcting that situation there.
Ond day, as I watched one of the biblical shows on one of my favorite channels A&E they did a discussion about Jakob. I watched in awe. My confusion and shame gave way. This man IS Isreal. This is what God changed his name too after he struggled with the angel. This man fought for an inheritance that was his in the first place. This boy grew into a man after he ran from his brother in fear and became a man when set with challenges and worked dilligently for them. This man came back to his brother rich and prosperous by the blessings of God after his Father in law tried to deceive him and use him. This man stood up to the challenges of his Father in law and had both of his daughters as his wives. This man is named Isreal. Isreal means "struggle with God". This man learned to honor and loved God and became prosperous despite tribulations. That is when I got it. I am like Jakob in some ways because I struggle with the expectations of man and God. I choose God, (most of the time, sometimes I do get it wrong). His name is Isreal. My combination of names mean victory of the people. I saw a burning bush, that man's name is Moses. A reluctant leader, Lord know's that I am one of those. One who thought because of his shortcomings he was not fit to lead. I too beat up on myself, and have to make the chitter chatter of how I am f'd up stop.
My shame is leaving, and the doubt that I continuously have about myself and my purpose is lessening. I am getting ready to go through another personal revolution. Every time I walk by myself and then God brings me back into the fold, I am preparing myself for a bigger responsibility and more prosperity in every area of my life. I have pointed out to folks many times before, every great leader of the bible walked by themselves at times in their lives. Stop asking folks who may need time apart from the church and walk alone as part of strengthening their relationship with God to not do this because it is something that you do not do. Again, I find myself putting my friends voice out of my head. I will correct her if necessary this time.
This morning God reminded me of my name, and who else in the Bible has had a similar life situation or attitude about themselves and their lives. I am grateful for that reminder. More importantly, I am grateful for my name.. ... It gives me more than a hope, it stands as a promise.
I am glad I remembered my name, and my purpose, creative and otherwise. Thank God for such a gift. No weapons poised against me shall prosper. What is wrong with you people? Did I not JUST tell you that I am meant to be victorious? Even death can't stop me. What God has placed in my heart to do I will do, and whatever that is, he means for it to carry on be it through a person/s an institution or an idea.
It is time for me to reevaluate my goals and dreams and make sure that they are on tap for my life. This weekend I am doing that. Straight no chaser. I am going to take some time for me and God, esp. since it seems that is the way that God has it. Every plan that I made for this weekend sans meeting up with my fam is either cancelled or pushed back. It is time to get back with who and what I am and what I am about.
Pray for me ya'll
Kita
I am blessed with a beautiful name. My parents unknowingly gave me a name that means, well part of it means, " the victory of the people". Everytime I think of my name and the dream I had when I went through the tough emotional and financial times, every time I think of how I was told by God that my name once was Jakob but it had since been changed I try hard not to cry.
Let me explain. During one time in my life I let men take advantage of me. Not sexual, all of the time anyway, but advantage none the less. It is not like I did not know, it is more like I did not care and I definitely did not love me. Not in the way that I should. Could you physically do something to me, no. I warned any man, and warn any man straight, I will have fried man with a side or grits if you ever get that bold. I ain't playing. Keep your hands to yourself. It ticks me off just thinking about some so called man putting his hands on me to hurt me. Yeah, sucka, I am taking dna from you, any which way I can. Move that along.
Let me get off of that. Whhhoooooooossssssssssaaaaaahhhhhh. A few deep breaths ya'll and I will be right with you. * * * * * OK
But I did let myself be used. Too nice, too willing to please, no back bone. You could take advantage of me as long as you were there with me. Then it went too far and I had to fight to keep my house. I had to throw that fool out. I had to examine how I lived, thought, and how much I REALLY loved myself. I had to move in with my parents for 6 months and just pay the mortgage. I had to check in with how much did I REALLY love God, how much did I really believe in His promises? Found I was lacking in both departments, seriously. I did not trust Him, did not Love Him or myself as I should have. Start putting my life in check. The colored glasses were thrown in the trash. I started dealing with life the way it really was. There was more upheaval, friends who really did not get it at all start coming at me about my relationship with church while I was concerned about my relationship with God and Self. My friend did not get it and I had to forgive her. She kept trying to invalidate my life experiences, which is ridiculous. I mean, if we all have our God given own purpose for being here, our experiences are crucial to becoming who God wants us to become. I had to forgive her, and have to continuously forgive her for that faux pas. One day she will get it, but until then I will not stress about her lack of understanding. I gotta do what I got to do. I went to find God for myself, cried my eyes out, talked to Him constantly, stopped taking her calls cause she did not get it, she had to be booted out of my life for a while. I was in my valley deep down in there with nothing but smooth rocks on each side of me. I was stuck there for a purpose, God's.
When I finally asked God to show me what was my problem, he led me to the story of Jakob. At first I was ashamed. I mean, yeah I tried to constantly be the good girl etc, but I never wanted to hurt anyone or upsurp anyone. I did not get it. I did not get the meaning at all. I thought that all God was saying was what my friend said, you wrestle with me and you are foolish and to dang stubborn. I was so ashamed of who I was, like I needed more of that. I did not get it, and when I talked to my friend about it, you got it, every little negative atttribute possible was assigned to that revelation.
In God's infinte wisdom and grace, after I had another soul wrenching session with Him, I slept and had a profound dream. I was in my old childhood home. See, the old family home was destroyed by a tree, so the new home was on the same property. I looked out of the big plate window that we had and saw a tree in the backyard on fire. I grew up on an acre of land in the heart of ATL ya'll. The land behind the family home to this day is covered with bushes and trees and other stuff I will never get close to, ok? Anyway , I tried to get my mama, my dad, my sis and brother to see this tree. No one could see it. I was transfixed by the tree, and this was a huge Christmas tree on fire. How in the heck did they not see that ya'll? Next thing I know the tree and everything around it went into a total blaze and everything was gone, the house, my parents, my sibs, everything. I closed my eyes and ya'll when I opened them again I was pro'lly 3 feet from this tree and it was still on fire!! There was water and cool green grass and animals and I stood there looking in complete awe. I slowly and fearfully went up to that tree. I got on my knees, and reached out to this tree. As I did so I heard a voice say "Do you know how much I love you Beloved?" I woke up crying. Anyway, trying not to cry as I write this. God definitely had my attention. The changes that I needed to make in my life started that day. Foolish Pride left, I needed a roommate, asked my friend to move in. That was a bet. Thank you God. Stopped talking to my other friend for a while. Yes, she is God led, but she don't know nothing about what God has in purpose for me and my life. He talked to me about that, she gotta go on with that other ka-ka. Can't take the constant barrage of complaints and criticism even as I tell you how God came to me. This is not about church, this is about God and my relationship and trust with Him. Be gone. I joined a church that I am a still a member of, but I have not gone for several months. Another heart to heart with God was needed. I needed HIM. I am not going to apologize for that need. I could have gone back 3 months ago, but I got into the habit of sleeping late on Sunday, and you know, I do not go to my church after 7:30 service, it takes forevah to get out when you do. That is not for the kid. I am returning soon. Back to the story.
When I got back into the townhome, I dated some more, had a few sexual encounters that I regretted. Cut that crap out after the second guy. Stopped taking so much crap from people, and stopped trying to fit in all the dang time. If you do not like me find a butt cheek and give it a kiss. Holla back. Got my smart mouth back and started watching how I think, how I allow myself to be treated and started correcting folks about that there too. Nonna that. Get on. Also start letting folks know when I appreciated them, that I loved them. More importantly I began to get why I HAD to have God on the throne, not anybody else including myself. Constantly correcting that situation there.
Ond day, as I watched one of the biblical shows on one of my favorite channels A&E they did a discussion about Jakob. I watched in awe. My confusion and shame gave way. This man IS Isreal. This is what God changed his name too after he struggled with the angel. This man fought for an inheritance that was his in the first place. This boy grew into a man after he ran from his brother in fear and became a man when set with challenges and worked dilligently for them. This man came back to his brother rich and prosperous by the blessings of God after his Father in law tried to deceive him and use him. This man stood up to the challenges of his Father in law and had both of his daughters as his wives. This man is named Isreal. Isreal means "struggle with God". This man learned to honor and loved God and became prosperous despite tribulations. That is when I got it. I am like Jakob in some ways because I struggle with the expectations of man and God. I choose God, (most of the time, sometimes I do get it wrong). His name is Isreal. My combination of names mean victory of the people. I saw a burning bush, that man's name is Moses. A reluctant leader, Lord know's that I am one of those. One who thought because of his shortcomings he was not fit to lead. I too beat up on myself, and have to make the chitter chatter of how I am f'd up stop.
My shame is leaving, and the doubt that I continuously have about myself and my purpose is lessening. I am getting ready to go through another personal revolution. Every time I walk by myself and then God brings me back into the fold, I am preparing myself for a bigger responsibility and more prosperity in every area of my life. I have pointed out to folks many times before, every great leader of the bible walked by themselves at times in their lives. Stop asking folks who may need time apart from the church and walk alone as part of strengthening their relationship with God to not do this because it is something that you do not do. Again, I find myself putting my friends voice out of my head. I will correct her if necessary this time.
This morning God reminded me of my name, and who else in the Bible has had a similar life situation or attitude about themselves and their lives. I am grateful for that reminder. More importantly, I am grateful for my name.. ... It gives me more than a hope, it stands as a promise.
I am glad I remembered my name, and my purpose, creative and otherwise. Thank God for such a gift. No weapons poised against me shall prosper. What is wrong with you people? Did I not JUST tell you that I am meant to be victorious? Even death can't stop me. What God has placed in my heart to do I will do, and whatever that is, he means for it to carry on be it through a person/s an institution or an idea.
It is time for me to reevaluate my goals and dreams and make sure that they are on tap for my life. This weekend I am doing that. Straight no chaser. I am going to take some time for me and God, esp. since it seems that is the way that God has it. Every plan that I made for this weekend sans meeting up with my fam is either cancelled or pushed back. It is time to get back with who and what I am and what I am about.
Pray for me ya'll
Kita
posted by Enigma | 11:16 AM
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