The Carter

Boy, I wish we had an honest, upstanding prez back in the White House. I do not care what anyone else said about Clinton, I did like him, however he was most definitely white. Let us not even began to talk aobut our current president.

Our government has forgotten its obligation to care, to see, to feel and to help cause we are all caught up into what we can buy, how we can impress - truth is there is no real value in material things. Gluttony is a sin ya'll. Now when people hear fgluttony they think of heft boys and girls, and that is gluttony, but usually that is also pain and fear. REAL gluttony is when you try to keep and squirrel away all the best resources for your self with no regard of the plight of other people. Yeah, big business I am talking to you. Yeah lobby groups, you help them, so I am talking to you as well. See, when institutions to lock folks up instead of lifting them up, when 3 strike rules can forever abandon a person in an angry state in a 10 x 10 cell, when companies, ie, Dixie Crystal start building prisons to invest in for the coming cash of housing inmates, I gotta look around and say look at my country locking all of these folks up and not giving them a chance to redeem themselves, or get their lives together and helping that business make money off of stupid, ignorant mistakes.

No, I do not support rapists, theives, etc. However, it is a proven fact that they become more vicious and better criminals in jail. Read a book sometimes and stop listening blindy to ignorant rhetoric from politicians who creatively have their hand in the pork barrel too.

I miss honest politicians, those willing to take a risk for truth, to speak the truth, to hold on to it, to base and live their lives according to it, I miss honest politicians. I want Jimmy Carter back. Not perfect, not charasmatic, just a good guy doing the best he can and telling us honestly what needs to, has got to be done. You know, kinda like the good woman/man you have in your life you don't want to let go. Yeah, the strippa is good to be in love with from a distance, but too many has loved the schemeing chica up close and personal. Charisma fades, dies, and lies. Skin deep, like some of those friends you have had to rid yourself of over the years. Charisma ain't nothing. I just want an honest, lets get it right and treat everybody as well as we can president back. One who truly knows he works for the people and not the other way around.

We do not work for the govt', they work for us. I get disturbed when I hear people lamenting on how the folks in Louisiana should have been prepared and govt' is suppose to help, it is up to the private citizen to be responsible and to to do for themselves. We, are the govt'. We pay taxes to keep up this country in each and every way that we can. We also pay taxes to help each other, the least of the folks. The 20's financial crash happened, that is why the social plans we have came into action, because we decided that we are responsible for helping each other. Our interconnectedness is what we stand on, are based on. We are the United States of America. We are the govt'. They are here to help us all, especially in times of crisis. The guys up there are to do their jobs and to help with all speed when an issue arises. To do less says something about me as a citizen. I am uncaring, I do not see, I do not emphatize and mourn with them. That is a lie, and I do not appreciate my govt' representing me in that fashion. We are to help, so therefore the govt' is to help because right now the individual is not capable of doing so. making excuses when the tragedy is over and things have not improved does not solve the problem, nor does it make the government right for their current inaction. If it can be them, it can be you, so take your head out of the sand, and demand that common care is taken. These people paid their taxes, they got insurance, everything they could do to hold on, to get back, to rebuild their hard earned land. For ignorant statements to be made becasue in addition to this they were poor, doing the best they can and had no way out of the area ticks me off. Nobody in that area deserved that. If your neightborhood gets a storm that lasts for 30 days causes a mudslide I would not blame you for not being prepared, for not moving on despite your financial situation or lack thereof. I would expect, I would demand, I want the government to move their butt and to save you. I wonder if those who make these kind of statements would think so highly of their "personal responsibility" if the previous situation was them and their lives? I already know the answer.

This ain't about Republican, Democrat, or any other political party. It is about my self and everyone who is a citizen of this country and this country's politicians who we elect to represent up, using the resources that are available to save and protect us when times are good and when diaster strikes. My country, one of the richest countries in the world has become laden and fat, gluttonous with greed, money and power. Atrophy of the heart, has set in, and the Sleeping Giant cannot move quickly to effectively protect and support its own. The humanitarian image has been shattered by this throughout the world. Welcome to being looked at in the way we have arrogantly looked at other countries. Watch as they challenge our rights to say our opinions etc. because now we have no basis to be "morally superior" What say you about that personal responsibility crap now? We go to Indonesia to drop food but cannot move our own citizens into nearby states?

Frankly I am so angry and dissapointed, and at the core of it hurt. I do not care for the president, I never thought he would languish and not demand assistance for his own people during such a diaster, that the congress would. I never thought that they would cease to care. I never thought I would note such inaction on the part of the media, my govt. I am really ticked off as I read stupid racist, ignorant comments.

It is time we concentrate on our own issues at home (US) when we don't understand the plight of our own struggling people, when we think that they want a handout when a diaster strikes them instead of help something is seriously wrong with how we see ourselves and the world at large.

Kita

RE: N' Orleans the Gulf & Lazy Politicians

Again. We are gonna have to talk again. Why, well you are not listening to me. So here we go.

YOU WORK FOR ME. From the President to every person who reports on some date and time in Congress. Yes you do. Time to get a performance report. All of ya'll take your seat and listen with rapt attention. If you do not I will send a New Orleans resident who cannot go home, found a relative in squalor and deceased in their home, go up to you and give you a slap in the face and a kick in the behind. Really I will not care what they do to you. Maybe they will have a hunting accident too. Allright. You may be seated. Be quiet.

Now I have not said anything about the money being spent with no regard for the common American citizen. I have said nothing. My fault. You should have gotten written up then and some of you should have been fired. Let me put on the song to let you know that your time IS coming if common sense does not began to rule. Let me remind you that it is your job to protect the citizens of this country in as reasonable a way as possible. You are failing. We are dying. ( background song - Let the Bodies Hit the Floor). Look if you cannot do your job you will be fired, your body will hit the floor.

I listened in horror and I watched Spike Lee's documentary in abject disgust. With you. I am disgusted with all of you. How dare you not clean up that mess? Those building that cannot be salvaged, that do not smell of human remains should be pushed down and destroyed immediately. No one should see their home in such a fashion. No one should come back and mourn and be in more pain than they are now. Remove that waste, those homes immediately.

About the human remains. Get cadaver dogs and let them do the search before the houses are demolished. Common. Sense. Do DNA samples immediately to find out who these folks are. List the names, if possible in major newspapers. If not possible, have every major metro area in America have an area available so that the residents on N.O. can go and get their DNA compared to those of the deceased. Prepare a place and a way for these people to be put to rest. Do your dang jobs.

Get the property tax rolls and contact the people who lived in these neighborhoods, after you have demolished their homes. Offer 15% above far market price for their homes. If they want to come back, have their foundations lain, water, gas and electricity ready and have the framing of the house and roof done. No just selling someones hard earned land. None of that. Encourage big business via serious tax breaks to work with getting the people the rest of the work they will need to have done.

Encourage businesses to go back to the gulf. Again, tax breaks just like you do with everything else that you care about. Make sure LA get money from off shore drilling. A fair percentage.

Go to the Netherlands and find out how the Dutch effectively prepared their levees to protect their folks. Build the damn thing. IT AIN'T YOUR MONEY. We can finance NASA, let us not even discuss Iraq, we can protect the people of LA with a decent levee.

Stop sitting back and not calling the media on the carpet for calling the resident refugees. They are citizens. Demand that they treat our suffering fellow citizens with respect. And oh yeah, stop lying too. Just tell the truth. We are going to find out anyway.

YOU WORK FOR ME. As one of your many supervisors, let me inform you that I am going to do my best to get rid of you all. Your work is sloppy, haphazard, you clearly do not care about your duties anymore or you have forgotten them or worst - you supplanted the ones I gave you with your own. Selfish. You are late for everyday work, and too late to respond effectively to emergencies. When asked questions you answer in vague incomplete statements that literally mean nothing. The polocies you create are not for and by the people but for an elite crew. Middle, working, and the poor need not apply. Your focus is on money and making power. I looked away several times because power corrupts. It truly does. However, your lack of basic human care due to your pursuit of money lets me know that in your case it has started atrophy and decay.

I would wish you well. However, when I see and study and hear more facts about the hell you have placed the people of New Orleans, Mississippi and other affected areas in, I simply want you to know that the hell you created you will enter. All in due time.

Again, you are asleep at the wheel - or perhaps you are drunk off of your drinks of choice, money and power. I am tired of getting hurt in the wrecks or watching others get hurt due to your inattention. I can't sue you because you are at the head. I did place your there. However, I can ensure that you get a dose of what you have done to some at the bottom.

Enjoy the ride at the top for now and I suggest that soon you anticipate the hard and painful tumble down.

Your dissapointed and ticked off employer,

Citizen Kita

N' Orleans

Every time I think about when I and my friend going to visit that city, walking around, being welcomed, laughing, gambling eating and exploring, every time I think about that city I smile. Then I sigh, and my eyes well up for I know it will never be that way, not like that again. Some of the culture moved on, some of the people out of necessity had to start new lives. Blessings to all of them that could, that are trying to. May favor fall on all of those who can't because of the pain, the hurt and the grieving.

Every time I think about the money we spend on Iraq, how much business Haliburton (sp?) has earned for themselves and the workers who daily risk their lives to create and fix their infrastructure but leave my people, the poor, the disenfranchsied, the middle class, and yes hugely black folks on the coast, I get so angry so mad that my govt' cares more about turning a dollar somewhere else that helping those who help keep this economy moving, who woke up every day glad to be an American, a citizen, who made the N' Orleans I remember. I get angry. I think about the businesses that had to go, the small businesses that had to leave, that will never recover. I am so angry and hurt. I am hurt that there are some out there that are so ignorant that they get caught up in their stereotypical responses, their dogmas, their parties that they lack the human capacity to see the people.

Via the pictures, it looks like a third world country a year later, but it is my United States. It is my home. It looks awful, the people are suffering and the government is sitting on its laurels instead of investing the time and the people to get this place, the coast, back together and on its way. Help at the least to get the infrastructure back, water pipes, gas pipes, electricity. My government sits on its laurels, but hey, they did have a dinner to commemorate today at the White House. They should help. The issue with the levees was known about for years. For years. The least they can do now is help fix the problem and assist for once in making sure that it is a fair situation and that the new businesses etc have to purchase the land and create neighborhoods that are inexpensive for the working class and the poor. some of those folks had their homes for generations. It is not fair for big business to be able to swoop in and create a place for additional income when this is where people used to live.

I am going to watch when the Levees Broke tonight, and I am going to cry, and I am going to send money when I can and my prayers to the folks who lived and those who perished - always.

I am not so relaxed to say that God will handle it. Yes, he will, through you and me. That is what we are down here for. To all those who make that ignorant statement, keep it to yourself. We are interconnected. We are suppose to help and uplift each other. When you make that statement that negates your responsibility. No, you cannot fix the world, and you were not asked to. But do not pretend as though those who see the destruction and get angry and want something done are ignorant fools who cannot see the hands of God. They can, and He is pushing them, calling them, asking them to do what they can, even if it is just sending a few dollars if possible. Those same people are the kind of folks who would have gone against Moses, cause why complain when things were better with the Pharoh? Why struggle and turn the waters and make them angry? Why eat manna in the wild when we get food in Egypt? Why march out of our "paradise" into the unknown, into the wild? The answer is that God called them to do so and to set them free. Frankly I see God's hand in that, the call to arms, not the call to sit on your butt and pretend you do not see, or that it could not possibly be you. It could be you. For that selfish reason alone, stop making statements like you get their pain and their angst. Their communities, their churches, their life - yes their lives are gone. I want them to move forward, but I do not want to become callus to their feelings. I would not sit back and let anyone make such a comment about the folks during 9/11 and I will not sit back and listen to that garbage now.

Truth - yeah some issues came with them moving into some of our communities. It happened all over. But there are bad apples in every bunch, heck there was some there before they came. No, I do not want them to add to the issues, but it ain't all their fault either.

I can't do much but I will do what I can. That is all that I can do. However, when the Levees broke it was a call to me that it is time to stop sitting on my butt and start trying to assist in making changes when and where I can. I have not regretted making this decision. I will not look back.

Kismet

I believe in kismet. I believe that you meet people at a specific moment in your life at a specific time. I believe in kismet.

I just met this young lady in my para class who told me that she wants to be a part of making policy and decisions and making other folks lives better. I believe in kismet. Why, because ultimately that is what I want to do to. I feel like a lot of what is going wrong in our society on the govt. , business and non profit end are the policies that are in place to support them. They are not there to support assist and improve the life of people. They are hugely restrictive.

I have decided that I will finish up with my associates, go forward and get my bachelors and then get my masters in public policy. Urban public policy ya'll. I feel like crying, cause I know that I am on track.

Nothing feels better than that.

So when you meet new people and ya'll vibe, know that there is a reason and learn from it. Maybe you should look out of their mirror for a while so you can adjust your own.

I believe in kismet. Thank God for that.

Kita

Met Somebody..

I met somebody. Not a weirdo, not a freak, not someone who when they speak I feel like saying stupid but cute MIGHT make up for it. I met somebody, and no, he does not look like a model, he looks and sounds like a grown man. He makes me laugh, he considers my feelings, he makes me feel special and pretty and... I met somebody. Not a fool, not someone who can't hold a conversation or rushes things, I met somebody.

All of my eggs are not in this basket though. It is just nice to finally have met a nice guy, who I was not gonna call cause I like guys to make the first move, but he did not. I met him on a site, which frankly I had given up on and though not bitter about it, I had no more expectations from.

I do not have any expectations, but I do have a date!! I amlooking forward to it. My hopes are up and everything. I met someone ya'll. HOPE the trend continues, this good thing happening while I am just busy holding on to faith thing. Thank you God for this, regardless of how it may go. Thank you.

Shut Up!/ Celebs

It never ceases to amaze me. I listen to some of the folks who are around my age (30+) amazement. Yeah, I like to read about celebrity's, but honestly, on the real I could care less.
I care about my life, your life, your kids, the community at large, the nation, a game that I or you play or have interest in. Do I really care about the state of anybody on TV's relationship, anybody who is on the radio life - really, truthfully, no. They are entertainment. They are here to entertain me. I pray for their souls, I get concerned when they seem lost ie Lauryn Hill and that MTV unplugged thing when I could feel the pain in her voice, or when they are doing something great... volunteering their time or putting their money some place real. I look when they seem they are being genuine or might have rocked an outfit that is cute but, if you look at what I am describing you would also know that it is the same concern that I have about you, just basi interest and concern.

I ain't never been a fan like that. They are getting paid to entertain me. Do your job, I might buy a ticket or watch you on the screen. Entertain me, dang it.

Talking about God, your taxes, your life, your relationships yeah shawt I can listen to that for hours with rapt attention. However, after about an hour or two, shut up about Beyonce' I ain't got nothing against her but her songs went off about 1.5 hours ago and you are still talking about her. Frankly her music may affect my mood, which does affect my life, but only if I decide to really pay it some attention while its playing. Unless you are a teenager or a young adult, shut up. She has entertained me and she may go now. Yes, I am the queen and she is grateful, all the entertainers are. Without my interest and listening as they entertain they can't get paid. Just like your kids in those school plays. I showed up and that was enough, I won't come again and I will NEVER pay to see your kids at this point cause I am giving support to them, I do not feel entertained, unless of course you are thinking about that kid that fell on the stage. I digress. I feel the same about The Game, Jamie Foxx, Bobby and Whitney and the other list of folks that entertain me. I want them to do well and then I want her to move on with their own lives too. Tired of hearing about their crap and relationships to the 9th degree on every station and every thing when there are real things going on out there. They do not want us to know about their sex lives, relationships etc. cause they are messed up like our own. Fine with me. Heck I like to hide away from reality at times too, but I do not want to stay hidden under the sand, feel me?
Try this. Talk to me about your career, your dreams, your mama and 'em. Get something else in your life beyond the stars who are living their life by the way while you sit here making the same 10 cents I am making. Get on with making plans to fulfill your own dreams and create your own version of success. Stop following people who can't decide to move on past their teenage years, their college hang ups, got more family issues, drug problems and still trying to prove who and what they are by what they got. You already got family you can watch for this stupidness anyway, the only difference is that it hurts to watch them. Please, for God's sake and purpose, get busy with your own dang life. It is too short as it is.

For this reason, if that is all that you can talk to me about, your apparent envy about these folks taking a chance living their lives and what they got etc., or their apparent desperation or stupidy please get out of my friendship circle. Stage left or rightI really do not care. I hope you make it onto your own damn stage someday. Don't you understand that there is where you need to be to make the most out of your own life? Dumb bunny.

Kita

Treating Me/ Learning

I am going to the gym. I have a trainer, her name is Robin and it is obviously Robin's job to kill me with exercise. She says I will love her later. Yeah. Right. Probably. Right now I wonder if I am insane for going back to the gym. I am going to go back, so currently yes, this is madness. Oh well, I am use to being a bit mad, what's new? Also the idea of being in shape, looking great, attracting guys and being my naughty, smart mouthed, sassy, classy, fun loving self like I KNOW I can be is a wonderful idea. I got a lot to lose, and honestly it is kinda scary but really fun at the same time to imagine what risks I will take, and I know it will be MORE than what I take now is like... whooooaa. I am a risk taking full figured woman, believe it. That is a bit scary.

However, I know that in realityI am treating me well. I love being treated and feeling special so to the gym I will go. I will defeat diabetes and get off of these dang meds. I will be fine, and sweet, and sassy and classy and daring and risk taking cause, hell... I do it now so I will simply do more of that stuff. Sweet. I like the idea of living my life more fully. This is truly treating me with love and kindness.

I am in school. Both of my teachers seem to be nice. Hmmm. I know that they are going to give me assignments that will kick my butt but make me a better legal researcher and to get ready for the para work force. Good. However this means less sleep, less free time, less kick it with my girls times, less get to have a relationship time. Hmmm. I must be crazy, look at what I will lose, right?

However, I know that this going to school thing with the 3 million assignments is really taking care of, treating me. In the end I will have a good job, a good life, and I will be able to travel. This will mean taking a risk, and though I like taking a risk, this means stepping into a small firm. I am scared, but hey, I gotta take this risk in my life for myself. I am tired of driving downtown to the ATL. Heck, I may meet my future hubby as I go back and forth to work. So you know the gym and school goal thing kinda ties together. I will meet new people and look physically good when I do so. Plus plus.

Yeah. I am treating myself with love, kindess and genuine care.

I am signing myself up to join this massage joint. You join as a member and pay half the price to get massaged, relaxed and spoiled. Yeah! I will be there once monthly, no doubt. I am loving this gentle, kind, caring, loving me genuinely thing. I am getting my hair done as well. Look out Sept. 1. My poor hair. Oh well. It is going to come out the pocket but again, I am learning to treat myself with honor, care, kindness, and genuine authentic love. This treating myself and looking out for myself, caring for myself, genuinely loving myself thing is great.

I am going to get up and take my butt to church at 7:30 am. Lord. I know, I know. Ain't you gone be tired ask my ol' complacent self. Probably, but luckily I can go right back to sleep. For sho'. Then I can get up and relax in front of the TV for a while, go visit fam, prepare my weekly schedule. Have a relaxing day.

My soul and spirit will be lifted by other believers when I go to church. God is always with me, so the feeling and love I always feel from Him will be intensified.

I am learning to live and genuinely authentically love myself, honor myself, take care of myself. I thank God for this walk that I am taking. When the road diverged from others I moved forward with my hand securely in His.

Woman Up

Ok. It is time for me to woman up. It is time.

I am doing my nails, doing my hair, and writing out my plans for the remainder of this year. I will also get the food and other issues that I meant to address, get them addressed for this week over my weekend. It is time to woman up ya'll. I am writing back the companies that can assist me in getting a job closer to my home with a good salary and excellent folk to work with. It is time to woman up and start flirting again. I got my mojo back, my silly but bold stuff back, now it is time to woman up and get the whole back up and running. What is raggedly or not working or I can't/ have not been able to get to it- that situation there shall be fixed. Time to pray, flirt, get in a relationship, meditate, go to school, hold down a job, visit and support friends, go to the gym, handle it - make a priority list prioritize and get it done. Got to get over the possibility that people may think that I am a bitch, or a pushover or a victim. I gotta do what make my life work. Create a wholisitc life schedule and come up with a better use of my time so that I can reasonably do the things I need to do for me including rest.

Excuses ain't pretty and they ain't necessary and they do not fix the problem nor do they make your situation better. Nothing worth it has gotten done without a plan. Even if God comes and shakes those plans up, you gotta get your stuff together so that you can be prepared for your come up when the opportunity presents itself. Always. Let the little things flow, big things adjust and change when neccessary but if you ain't got a plan you are just waiting to land in a pile of sh**. Nonna that. I have neglected coming up with a God led, love led, life giving plan for my life. That sitauation there ends today. It is time to get my finances and all of that together. This is about my life. My happiness.

Allright now. I have spoken/written and I am out. Gotta get this ready for Monday morning. Womaning up this weekend. Enjoy your weekend. I will be enjoying mine.

Kita

Love...

What I want in a man. I want a good guy. Simply put. Not perfect or rolling in dough, but someone who does the best he can, pushes for more out of life and himself yet knows how to enjoy everyday life. Someone with morals.. you know that stuff and a great sense of humour. It should not be so difficult but Lord help me I live in the A. Fake BS is ruling right now down here. People coming from evrywhere wanting a new life presenting a fake one, they do not even know what they really want or what they are really about but caught all up in the Atl mystique, but not knowing the core, "be yourself shawt" Same fakeness that happens in Chicago, NY, LA, Texas etc. Nothing new. Atl is just the flava right now.

Lord knows I have dealt with plenty of mothaf%$#@ that I would not like to ever see again. Full of bull, full of crap losers. Why did I attract said bs, cause I believed it was all that I was worth. Either I was a pushover in the relationship or the pushy bitch. Neither one was really me. The pushover was desperate, the bitch overprotective, cynical and out only for self. Both were extremes and both were hugely selfish. Instead of letting guys really see me, I gave them visions of fascimiles, and ultimately disrespected myself.

When you are not true to yourself there is a serious lack of self esteem and respect. In addition to this you do things to have people in your life that you ought to kick in the azz. Oh well.

I am considering getting back into the relationship scene. Not concentrating on it, getting in a relationship, but being and enjoying myself and having a guy around who enjoys me, adores me like I should be adored who I can love and honor back. It really should not be that dang hard to locate but it has been. I was not ready for love, I understand now that I could not truly offer what I did not have to give. I cannot love someone else when love for myself, respect and honoring myself is that damn difficult for me, how could I attract it and how could I honestly give it when I do not know what it is? So I am available for love now, but I am an amateur in love, believe me. I understand India.Arie when she says that, but thank goodness I learn quickly, or at least I diligently try. I will never have it if I am not available.

So I guess the question really is what am I really ready for? Am I really ready for love? I do not know, but I am available for the next love experience. I want to share my heart and my world with someone. Sex is great, but it is not all that I want or will accept. I deserve, want and will have more. The wait is worth it, cause I am and whoever I am to love, to meet and share my life with is worth it too. I hope he is ready or getting there too. Hell, I can be rather impatient, and that is not me being a bitch, bruh that is definitely part of the package. I would say sorry, but I am sure you will bring your share of habits to annoy as well.

Until I meet this person I will keep praying and hoping, keep enjoying life, keep growing, keep pushing for a better life, keep loving and being me. Moving forward. Always.

Kita

Move Forward

Do not be afraid to move forward. When you can rest, rest. When it is time to move, move. Do not wait until complacency is impossible because you are that uncomfortable about the current situation. Keep your eyes on your goals and move when it is time, when you become restless. Seek and be open to possibilities and opportunities.

Some folks are beautiful and pleasant seasonal distractions. Like dogwood flowers or cherry blossoms. Some people are like fungi beautiful but dangerous to your digestive system. The distractions are there so that God can do the other work that needs to be done in your Life for His Purpose. Do not call or assume that distractions are friends or are really concerned about you. Whether they are a pain in the butt or you can grin and joke with them accept them for what they are. They are the first line to let you know when it is time for you to move forward - they begin to slowly whither before they fall. They are like leave beginning to change on a tree limb, their color begans to fade and they are not that brilliant and vibrant, fact is they are rather small, insignificant and dull. Let them die on that limb painlessly, the way they came in. When you note this is going on, remember this too, it is more than likely in some area in your life, time to move forward. Remember you can spot these folks when the season changes - they will do so as well and in dramatic fashion, bud to blossom, ashes to ashes, and then most certainly dust to dust. Wish them well and move on into your destiny. Move on into your spot light and pay attention to the scene that you are starring in now. They are major players in their own play, they were a brief interlude and short time player on your stage. Wish them well and grow. Move forward and push on. With a smile ya'll, always with a smile.

Kita

Reluctant Leader

I have always enjoyed standing in the background and encouraging others to move forward, to make a way to the front of the line. I have always lived like this, had my life like this. It never occured to me until today that this is part of my problem.

I am a reluctant leader. Yeah I will lead if I must. The sad thing is that, really the truth is that I lead well. I try to be fair, I take a stand when I must, and I try to understand even when taking that stand. I encourage others to do well, brow beating folks does not work.

I am beginning to examine where does this reluctance come from. I hate the pressure of it all. I am afraid that I will fail and ruin something or really cause harm to someone by my decisions.

I cannot please everyone, and though I am accustomed to not being part of the crowd, a part of me often longs to be a part of the crowd. You know what I mean. Right?

I am a reluctant leader cause my parents are too. I am a reluctant leader. But lead I must. It is in me, and though I do not wish to do so, I often find myself in the drivers seat with other people looking to me to see what I am going to do next. Though I usually beat up on myself about some failing that I have others look at me and ask what am I going to do next. Though I do not see myself as all that daring others chuckle and say that they figure that I would be the one to do or try such and such.

I keep my mouth shut and my opinions to myself until I feel like I must say something and the person looks at me and states that I make a lot of sense and looked at the entire thing and not the part and how much they appreciate that. They began to ask my opinion on other things and then when I expouse my views and the whys behind that I get incredulous looks with additional questions, like they can't beleive that I look at life that way, or that I look at everything wholistically - everything in the end gotta work in tandem together to make the whole darn thing work. Duh. But I realize now - esp. after talking to others that a lot of folks do not think like that. I have often heard folks label me as a firebrand, and a quiet , very observant, strategist. Hmmm. My watching skills do come in handy. When I learn what works and what does not I remember and I apply. Hmmm.

The leader in me is currently being asked to stand up more, and to extend that look - that wholistic living strategy - into my own life. The leader in me is being commanded by God to get used to the fact that there will not be a lot of folks who understand me, get me or like me and it is time to get over it. It is time for me to stand and do my part, whatever that is and whatever that entails. Hmmmm.

I keep praying and walking forward. Don't want to think toooo much, but I do understand that I gotta sit down and get me straight. I am on my way with my plan. I will be standing up more now. Lord knows I do not really want to, carry through, the complaints and criticisms.

I do this reluctantly, but I will do this. Especially once I get it straight all that I am going to have to do. Pray for me.

Kita

It still hurts..

Every time I see the review for this movie - The World Trade Center- I cry. I can't help it. My heart still hurts for the families, for New York, it still hurts. Though I have never followed any administration in the White House blindly, nor have I ever claimed to be a patriot to a huge extent, I cry every time I see those pictures, I see the towers I see the people. I cried a little as I read the review about the movie.

I can't go see that right now.

It is like when I see the pictures of the Katrina tragedy, ain' nothing funny or healing about seeing that right now for me. Maybe one day, but right now it still hurts.

Me Time

Why is it that I keep reading female blogs with the same theme that I have "It is time for me and me alone" "If the right comes along great, if not, oh well"

Men, I mean how can I put this. We ain't stressing no more. I do not know what happened. Once upon a time I cared to death. I mean, I desperately met guys, got used, had to act a fool a few times, I mean - the whole yard and line. What happened? I think I realize that I need me. I will say it again, I Need Me. More women are getting the same frame of mind. Why, you ask?

My life is simple without you. Nobody I gotta keep reminding I am not their mom, not a maid, not their personal anytime freak (I gotta work man!). My life is at peace, no arguing cause the house is quiet and there is a game on, no looking in my fridge and wondering if you know what an apple looks like. None of that. I am not explaining myself 24/7. I don't have to listen to explanations 24/7, no silly baby mama drama, no having to tell somebody that my change is good for me and having to justify why I am changing - why I gotta change for me. No boxes for me to stay in for another's sake. True respect and love of self is what I am getting now, no bs allowed.

Now do I want to be in a relationship? Not right now. Right now I am getting to ME. I have stopped equating being alone with being lonely or not being complete. I have married friends talking about regrets, how they wished they could do, what they wish they could do, how they love their life but not all of the drama, the discord, the fighting to get someone to understand that just because yes they can find the energy to do, they need sleep too. They need rest too. They need to hang out with their girls too. They struggle to get him to get the kids, to keep the kids, or he complains and rants on and on about what he did, that he washed clothes, fixed a meal, cleaned up a lil' somethin'. Naw, none of that right now. In the future, the next 2-3 years yeah, a relationship will be cool. Right now I am learning, growing and getting me in shape physically, spiritually, emotionally. None of that other stuff right now.

Kita

Foul Mood

I am in a foul mood. I mean foul. I have not let anyone else get a dose of it, but I am in a foul mood. One of those jump off the cliff .... no seriously jump, why do I care mood. I do not know why. I tried to brush it off a few times, but it keeps coming back.
One for the records ya'll. I do not get them very often anymoer (lol), I use to have them on the regular, but today, I do not think it would take much to set me off.
Keepin' to myself, keeping to myself.

Kita

Time...

Choices.

I am making a choice - Gym 3 times a week. Friday, Sunday and Tuesday.

Food - I am restocking my fridge and pantry and counters with health, good tasting snacks and foods.

School - 2 classes next semester

Work - Open for opportunities - bring the good ones on!! Favor is pouring in and on me.

Changes are coming. Feel it in the air. It is my season, I am enjoying the rain. Growth is on the way.

Love, romance? Ummm. Not right now. Getting me together now. Remembering what I want. I do want a good relationship, but I gotta be able to offer the love and life that a guy wants to right? Not picky about the complexion, want a good connection though. That is a must. I want to be in shape, I want to feel comfortable with my own body and in my own skin. I want to have the courage to dance in front of other folks, I want to be free to sing and be myself. I want to release this weight, I am going to release this pain, this fear. I am going to accept the new changes - I gotta do this for myself. I gotta do this. I am honestly scared as hell of all the changes that I want to make. But you know what, I have done the same shi* long enough. I am not happy there. Time to move forward to something different and I have a funny feeling immensely better.

Time to walk out there into the darkness and pray that God can teach me to fly. Wish me luck ya'll. Here I go again, taking more chances. Who would have ever thought it, huh? This is my season for personal challenges and growth.

Kita