Reluctant Leader

I have always enjoyed standing in the background and encouraging others to move forward, to make a way to the front of the line. I have always lived like this, had my life like this. It never occured to me until today that this is part of my problem.

I am a reluctant leader. Yeah I will lead if I must. The sad thing is that, really the truth is that I lead well. I try to be fair, I take a stand when I must, and I try to understand even when taking that stand. I encourage others to do well, brow beating folks does not work.

I am beginning to examine where does this reluctance come from. I hate the pressure of it all. I am afraid that I will fail and ruin something or really cause harm to someone by my decisions.

I cannot please everyone, and though I am accustomed to not being part of the crowd, a part of me often longs to be a part of the crowd. You know what I mean. Right?

I am a reluctant leader cause my parents are too. I am a reluctant leader. But lead I must. It is in me, and though I do not wish to do so, I often find myself in the drivers seat with other people looking to me to see what I am going to do next. Though I usually beat up on myself about some failing that I have others look at me and ask what am I going to do next. Though I do not see myself as all that daring others chuckle and say that they figure that I would be the one to do or try such and such.

I keep my mouth shut and my opinions to myself until I feel like I must say something and the person looks at me and states that I make a lot of sense and looked at the entire thing and not the part and how much they appreciate that. They began to ask my opinion on other things and then when I expouse my views and the whys behind that I get incredulous looks with additional questions, like they can't beleive that I look at life that way, or that I look at everything wholistically - everything in the end gotta work in tandem together to make the whole darn thing work. Duh. But I realize now - esp. after talking to others that a lot of folks do not think like that. I have often heard folks label me as a firebrand, and a quiet , very observant, strategist. Hmmm. My watching skills do come in handy. When I learn what works and what does not I remember and I apply. Hmmm.

The leader in me is currently being asked to stand up more, and to extend that look - that wholistic living strategy - into my own life. The leader in me is being commanded by God to get used to the fact that there will not be a lot of folks who understand me, get me or like me and it is time to get over it. It is time for me to stand and do my part, whatever that is and whatever that entails. Hmmmm.

I keep praying and walking forward. Don't want to think toooo much, but I do understand that I gotta sit down and get me straight. I am on my way with my plan. I will be standing up more now. Lord knows I do not really want to, carry through, the complaints and criticisms.

I do this reluctantly, but I will do this. Especially once I get it straight all that I am going to have to do. Pray for me.

Kita