Love...

What I want in a man. I want a good guy. Simply put. Not perfect or rolling in dough, but someone who does the best he can, pushes for more out of life and himself yet knows how to enjoy everyday life. Someone with morals.. you know that stuff and a great sense of humour. It should not be so difficult but Lord help me I live in the A. Fake BS is ruling right now down here. People coming from evrywhere wanting a new life presenting a fake one, they do not even know what they really want or what they are really about but caught all up in the Atl mystique, but not knowing the core, "be yourself shawt" Same fakeness that happens in Chicago, NY, LA, Texas etc. Nothing new. Atl is just the flava right now.

Lord knows I have dealt with plenty of mothaf%$#@ that I would not like to ever see again. Full of bull, full of crap losers. Why did I attract said bs, cause I believed it was all that I was worth. Either I was a pushover in the relationship or the pushy bitch. Neither one was really me. The pushover was desperate, the bitch overprotective, cynical and out only for self. Both were extremes and both were hugely selfish. Instead of letting guys really see me, I gave them visions of fascimiles, and ultimately disrespected myself.

When you are not true to yourself there is a serious lack of self esteem and respect. In addition to this you do things to have people in your life that you ought to kick in the azz. Oh well.

I am considering getting back into the relationship scene. Not concentrating on it, getting in a relationship, but being and enjoying myself and having a guy around who enjoys me, adores me like I should be adored who I can love and honor back. It really should not be that dang hard to locate but it has been. I was not ready for love, I understand now that I could not truly offer what I did not have to give. I cannot love someone else when love for myself, respect and honoring myself is that damn difficult for me, how could I attract it and how could I honestly give it when I do not know what it is? So I am available for love now, but I am an amateur in love, believe me. I understand India.Arie when she says that, but thank goodness I learn quickly, or at least I diligently try. I will never have it if I am not available.

So I guess the question really is what am I really ready for? Am I really ready for love? I do not know, but I am available for the next love experience. I want to share my heart and my world with someone. Sex is great, but it is not all that I want or will accept. I deserve, want and will have more. The wait is worth it, cause I am and whoever I am to love, to meet and share my life with is worth it too. I hope he is ready or getting there too. Hell, I can be rather impatient, and that is not me being a bitch, bruh that is definitely part of the package. I would say sorry, but I am sure you will bring your share of habits to annoy as well.

Until I meet this person I will keep praying and hoping, keep enjoying life, keep growing, keep pushing for a better life, keep loving and being me. Moving forward. Always.

Kita