Tired

Tired. I just am. So let me put this out here and to all who know me get this, cause I mean it.

Do not put your butt in the mix with my fam. That is a quick way to get cussed out, told off and dismissed. Playa naw. Unless I am talking about doing some harm to somebody or being unreasonable, take that talk elsewhere. No one is going to disrespect my 'rents or take advantage of their kindess. I am not going to stand on the sidelines and let sis, bro or any other family member do that. When it comes to those 2 folks and that there, get ready for me... cause I am coming to get cha... or I will dismiss ya.

Now, what brought this all on is that there is a friend of mine who got on my bad side cause I would not respond to her in a way that she wanted to after I shared a good friend of mine present situation with her mother who is possibly battling cancer. Now my friend who's mom is ill does not share her emotions easily, she does not open up easily, so when she sounds upset I take notice. I called my other friend requesting that she place up a prayer for my friend, who is feeling a little overwhelmed. I mean, she has requested the same of me, so what is the big deal. Her sister is going thru some things and has not been available to assist with family issues. Pretty understandable that she is upset right? Right.

My girl, who I am shocked to note ..... umm, she actually starts criticizing this girl being upset. I mean, yes I believe in God, but when it comes to folk that are close to me, my sis, brohs, 'rents, cuz, etc. yeah I am going to be upset. Wateva. Yes, I and my friend know who to look to or lean towards when issues come up, but God can't address what you will not acknowledge. When I did not respond in agreement with what she is saying, I sat there with my mouth wide open is shock ya'll, she tried to go into the situation that I wrote about above. Obviously to get a response. I stated, and I stand by, if my sis, bro, or anybody else try to take advantage of my folks I will step in. I did not stutter shawt. Tryin to tell me that I can't do that? Get the F outta here. I can do that like she can do that for her husband and her child. She has got to be kidding. Sad thing is she is not. She got some serious control issues and I have had enough of her trying to dictate how folks should feel, react etc. I am tired of her attempting to disregard others experiences or trying to be the authority on everyone's life experiences.

I said my personal revolution has started, and I guess though it is painful, I have known chick for a while, 10+ years. .... this friendship just might be over. See, you gotta respect me, and to go there criticizing a friend who is hurting and then to purposely go after me, no. It would be different if this was her first time but it is not. Respecting me, my feelings and those of others well, that is not up for discussion. Don't hide or try to use God either. You better get to reading Job before you come to me with that. Read how God felt about that nonsense that Job's friends were spouting. Either you are going to get that or you are not. We do not have to agree. I am an adult and I realize that and I accept that some, maybe even most folks do not agree with me. Like I have stated in a previous post, I am working on accepting stupid people ;o) I have given her enough passes about doing this though ya'll. I have accepted enough backward ass apologies where she tries to make it right by telling me that what I thought said or stood by was right a day or a week later.

I am tired ya'll. I love her, but it is time to love from a distance. Beleive it.

When I almost lost my house, helping some fool that I should not have, she did this type of thing to someone else and they let her have it. I will be sure to point that out.

Moving forward ya'll. This is my personal revolution and I did not ask you for your opinion, what you think etc. I am doing it, doing it and doing it well.

Kita aka Queene Deluxe

Celebrate

Ya'll I believe in celebrations. I believe in celebrating God, friends, life, the whole kit and kaboodle. Life is difficult and gives plenty of reasons to sit and cry, when you can celebrate life, do that. Victories are to be lifted up as evidence of what God can do and what He can bring you through. Celebrating the daring, those who did the dangerous, the impossible, the person who did wonderful and brilliant things under intense situations, who stood in the fire and made the statements that too few will say..... Celebrate them. Their light when it shines in the darkness does, as a Marriane Williamson quote says, encourages us to shine too. To use our gifts in the way that God intended. Using that gift in the way that God intended brings happiness, fullness to life and even to some prosperity. You are not suppose to hide your light under a bush. Shine.

Some folks got me really concerned about them though. I watched the Oprah's Legend Ball with a sense of pride and an overwhelming need to express to folks how much their daring to in the light of so many saying no, and you should not and how dare you was the norm of their day. To know that in addition to what we see, that there are so many things that these folks do behind the scenes without benefit of applause, to see that these folks who grew up in church and went through their troubles, their issues and still share their gift with the world and continuously share themselves and their wisdom with us..... It touched my heart. I cried ya'll.

Some folks that I discussed this with got so caught up in the opulence and decadence that they did not see what Oprah was really saying or trying to do. I think that she saw this as a way to show off and to take the focus off of God. Me, I saw it as God making sure that these women who have and are paving the way for others of us were honored. To me God is the ultimate creative force. Whom he blesses with these gifts has a choice to make: will they take a chance and share their gift with the world or hide their light under a bush? To make a decision to shine brightly invites everyone into your family, your issues, your life. I personally would not want to do it. I am too private for all of that right there ya'll.

Life is short. When you are here you will go thru many things, many trials and pains. We are all here to support each other in obtaining the courage that we need to fulfill the purpose that God has for us to do. It ain't always easy for the first person to do that thing and get through that challenge, but they endured and made it possible. Celebrations of this, this diligence and determination is a wonderful thing, to me. God wants us to shine a light on each other and illuminate our beauty against the ugliness and evil that surrounds us so that more of us can be encouraged to shine and the veil of lies, fear, shame and hurt can be no more.

Shine on ya'll.

Kita

Free

Yep. I am still on that free thing. It feels great to say what I need to say to folks, move forward in my life, do my thing.

Free. Wish I could package it and sell it but I can't ya'll. It just ain't gonna happen. Besides the price is being willing to walk away from all that you feel is dear. You gotta be willing to let it all go. You gotta be willing to let you go. I mean, you gotta let the boundaries you put up, the ones others convinced you were meant for you, take 'em down. That is how you get free ya'll. It is a daily decision.

I am a grown woman ya'll. An introspective, honest, far from perfect, forever striving, getting where I need to get to grown ass woman. I am a God fearing, God loving and obeying woman. I am also free. If you have an issue with my deciding where I go, how I get there and everything like Jaguar said, "I think that you need to be free". Do that there, do that.

To all of the folks who are confused by my behavior and decisions, understand that I am being true to me right now. It feels so darn good. I mess up, straighten up, get tired of you and your mess, and I get tired of my own too. I am moving on, can't stand nor stay here. Won't. Either we will get a new contract for our relationship , or understand that the old one is null and void.

I neva once stopped you on your journeys to fit into a mold I fixed for you. I respected and supported your dreams, hopes, life experiences and goals. Iffin you can't do that for me, I am out. Maybe one day you will process what I am telling you. Today I gotta keep moving on and doing me. No more stopping shawt. See I know that I am truly free.

Personal revolutions. Everybody should have one. Start yours today, get a better more fulfilling life guaranteed. Can be a bumpy ride at times but well worth it, and besides the bumy ride is temporary. The end results is that you will actually like and love your life. Take that chance. Given freely to folks every day. Simply pray, give your life to, live your life for Jesus/ God and follow His directives. Get free, live fully, love and like your life. Be fulfilled. Truly happy and peace. It may cause some people to leave or you might have to show some folks the door, but the resulting freedom is great. Try it today. Release your spirit and soul into the warm, beautiful light. Start being focused on your life purpose, smiling and being friendly without fear today!

Kita AKA The Queen Deluxe ;0)

Choosing...

to Love. It is not as easy as it seems.

Lately I have not felt very loving towards difficult people. I am a laid back kind of girl, or at least I try to be. If I don't know you and we haven't taken the time to get to know each other....you have not disrespected me so, I mean why should I be kind to you. Really, why should I?

This idea came to my head because of this situation here. There is a guy who I see on occassion at work. He clearly has an issue with me. I mean even a dog can speak. I have spoke to this guy on several occassions to have him grunt or to ignore me or with a low growly tone say hello. I mean, dang. Just smile. I am not trying to be your girl. I mean, to be real, I am not trying to make friends here really. If I do great, if not no harm no foul. I am doing my job, well I might add. Light chit chat and friendliness never hurt anyone, so yes I will partake. Thank you. Yesterday, my patience with his 'tude got really low.

I did not say a thing, but my attitude said tons. I am not sorry about that cause I am human too. Today I spoke again and more of the same.... he was rude. However, I am coming to understand that I may represent something to him that he has an issue with. Moving on, and being me ya'll. I have decided to refuse to be rude or ugly towards somebody who is apparently too simple minded to understand that even a dog barks when spoken to. This happens with a lot of my folks, black folks. I do not understand the deal. I will keep being me though. I will be human and tired of you some days though. Believe it. I will get over you and your rudeness and be the bigger person tomorrow. Today I need a break from silly adults. Yeah, we all have our days, but dang.

That is how come I choose to forgive, and I choose to care, and I choose to get involved, I choose to love silly, ridiculous, stupid people anyway. Folks who are kind and good, they are easy to love. It is really not work to love them. But if you can be this ugly and this callous with someone you clearly do not know, there is a need for somebody to give you kindness on a continuous basis. Maybe one day you will discover you are being a jerk for nothing. I can always hope. I am rather optimistic ya'll.

Even stupid folks sometimes need to get a break from me ya'll. They need love and care too. Although, yes they are irritating and did I meniton, stupid. Maybe they did not get it when they were children, or maybe they were blocked from being the halfway popular kid when they were in high school or mabye they were ostracized in college, maybe that is why he makes an effort to be rude to me when I speak to him. I do not know. Maybe his mama beat him, or maybe his man does, I don't know, maybe I remind him of his ex. the one that left him cause ...mmmm. I do not know. I don't know why she left or what I represent for him. Yesterday was an off day for me, today he was rather amusing and I am glad he did not trip. Welll, really that would have been funny. Oh well, bye bye .... hooked on phonics. I could not help it ya'll. Told you that I am human.

Well F it ya'll. I will pray for the fool. That is a form of love too ya know, to pray for someone who sees you as an issue when you do not know even know their crazy butts.

Let us all pray that the above described folks that we all deal with, that they are no longer stupid nor rude or so afraid of kindness, or think that someone want something from them. Let's pray that they get that when someone wants something they take it or request it. Let's pray that they grow into better people and deal with their own dang issues. And get a personality transplant too if at all possible. Oh, and finally finish hooked on phonics if that is their problem. Amen.

I feel better now ya'll. I am choosing to move forward and love on.... with my bad self ;o) Gotta go now.

Kita

He is GOD

I love my friend. I know that she means no harm but to those of you who do not get it, please get this.

Assume that anyone who professes to be a Christian, who can have a comfortable conversation with you about God etc, their beliefs etc., suppose that this person has a relationship with God that is their own. They do not need to put on a show for your benefit, or everytime they open their mouth and voice a concern, a hope, a dream etc. that they need to be informed of how they need to call on and talk to and do the will that God wants them to do. Stop this madness. God listened to Job and never once asked him but did you remember to count on me. All of the prophets had talks with God and He led them amongst and above the doubters, those who would have preferred to be slaves etc. Some of the prophets and leaders of the bible were watching their sheep and doing their thing when God called them to do a greater work. Stop thinking that unless you are in the sanctuary 24/7 that God does not call folks to do, to work on His behalf. You are not God, so what makes you think you have a lock on what God will or won't do? Keep that to yourself. All those tit for tat things you are talking about, I don't know that God. WE ALL FALL SHORT. Get it. Move it along.

To be honest, this is why I and others avoid church like the plague. You join and everything is fine. Then there comes a period where everyone wants you to dress up and play "I am a church conformist". Man asks for that, not God. I always assume that a person who has decided to be a Christian, a person who has decided to quest for themselves their purpose in God's word inquired with God about everything. I don't try to make them "Thank God", "Pray about it", etc. Why not you ask, well I assume that if their quest is to be what God wants them to be they are talking to HIM anyway. I will pray for them and with them that they are on track, that they stay on track, that they listen to God and have the strength to go against the crowd when they need to. That they keep their eyes on their paper and do their thing. The thing that God has called them to do.

How come folks don't get that being in the body of Christ means acting like the body does. In other words, every cell, organ, muscle etc work for the betterment of the body, the improvement of life etc. to maintain life. Yet they are all doing a job that on the offset has nothing to do with each other, but stepping back a little you note how they all work efficiently together. How come this is not understood in the church community I do not know.

Please stop trying to stuff all Christian folks in a box. We all do not have the same parents, we did not grow up alike, we do not look at life alike, we did not have the same childhood and life experiences, and it is all a part of God's plan. Either you believe that God is the master potter and has a reason for every curve and loop or you don't. If He is the master planner and someone is opting to find their path and to go their way, why are you tripping out so hard that it is not the way you think, that the person does not act behave and believe like you think that they should? God is everywhere, and when He needs you He will use you. Sometimes friends need you to listen, sometimes friends need you to hear them. God listened to the laments of Job and HE answered. He did not like the comments of those who came as friends to talk to Job. Read the bible and read His response to them.

Get a grip and get real. I ain't doing pretend anymore. I know that I am perfect and good at being me where God needs me to be right now. If that don't fit your plans, move on. I ain't trying to fit in your plans, your box or your life. Iffin that is too hard for you to get, move on. I will miss you, Lord knows I love you, but I ain't trying to fit in anymore boxes that man - and that does include you, built.

Kita

Doing Me..Moving Forward

I am going back to school and I am loving the idea of it all ya'll. I get bored easily. Yep I do, so I hope that the boring core classes I have to take don't have me clawing at my seat to get the H outta there. There is a guy who teaches at the school I am going to who bores my butt to sleep. Teaching Georgia History. *Yawn* Oh my. I mean. Really. Did I not do two quarters of that crap in high school. What am I doing it again for ya'll? Cause it put's me close to my goals.

I am on the way to fulfilling what I gotta do. I am suppose to be of service to man, to successfully do the will of God. Yeah, I am about to do the para thing, the library thing the CASA thing so that I can be of better service. Yeah I am going to adopt a child that needs love and do what I do in the next couple of years. Yes. I am focused and on track ya'll. To all who wonder what they are suppose to do, do yourself a favor. Get rid of all draining folks. Get some quiet. True quiet now, not that BS that masquerades as your brain shoots out random stupid info. The folks you gotta weed out. You know the only wants you around to compare the life with, ya know the one who always tries to do better than you even though ya'll aint even on the same grind. Get rid of that friend that tells you to just accept when you know it is time to make that change. Show them folks the door. Give'em 5 feet of space. And you DO know who they are. Play stupid somewhere else. That friend who will tell you anything long as she keeps being your friend, your buddy get rid of them. I do not know what they are after, but they want something only they and God can give them, let their bodies hit the floor. The one who at every turn will use God against you, not correcting you or reminding you of what God says (it is in the Bible, if it ain't in there and you can't pilfer it our yourself put 'em on ignore ) just trying to make you feel bad about your mistakes, your regrets, what you gotta grow into, get rid of them too. Move along. A lot of those folks believe in the stay and suffer mentality. I personally believe in moving on and being flexible when my plans must change...show them folks the door. Those who are afraid of taking chances or making changes, leave them alone too. They are never going to be ok with you living your life. But on the real, even if for a little while, get some space and get focused on your goals. They need to know what the boundaries are when you let them know what the deal is. Tell them to Hit It by giving them space or talking to them sporadically and if need be telling them the truth. What is the truth you ask "Can't let nobody get me off my grind. Love ya' but nonna that" esp. if it is BS they got going on. Not they can't handle it stuff like death or sickness etc, but drama for drama, I am gonna be difficult cause you are changing dramas. Tell 'em to Hit the door homes or I will close my door in your face. Make your choice.

Now, do not get me wrong. I love all of my folks. But if you are one that does any of this stuff, know that is why I ain't being bothered with ya. This is the life I am suppose to live, you live yours sucker ;o) I am suppose to be of service in the way that God wants me to be. Am I sinning? Am I hurting anyone? Then Get on. I have never tried to block your dreams or deny your truth. Kiss my A** Do that. You will get over it. Iffin' you do not, good riddance to trash. Out partna. I do not have time for B--ch moves. Gotta go.

Folks will always try to control your flow and how you are doing your thing. Did I say not take in consideration folks advice or observances? Certainly not, it was not moi that stated that boo-boo. What I am saying is that if you are focused on your game plan do not let anyone, good intentions or not take you off. On the real, they need to sweep around their own front door before they sweep around yours. Correct themselves before they try to correct you. Yeah let ya know, but respect your decisions. Everybody gotta learn and grow. Respect my grind boo boo. Do not attempt to stop me or put me on pause cause you don't believe. And to all my religious folks with your 3 million rules with these here issues: You profess to believe in God and the impossible but you do not believe God can make a way for somebody who is doing the work and willing to do what they gotta do to do God's will. I firmly believe that God helps those who help themselves. Now what does that mean for all the slow folks? When you let God know that you do believe in the bush that is burning without burning up and that you will keep that fire stoked until His word, His truth is told to you, He honors the fact that you are willing to move to get the wood, grab the coal and do what you got to ta' keep that fire burning. He honors that. The miracle is the bush that is burning and still remaining, the faith is you doing the work to keep it burning and you gotta stop to listen to what God is saying to know to go and get more wood, more coal and to hear what He is telling you about who He is, what He wants and needs for you to do. Do you feel me? Now God don't need you to get wood and coal, like he does not need sacrifices, your tithes or anything else - not even your prayers. He knows what you need. God does not even need our praise. What we offer are no more than dirty rags. However, much like all of these things being on your grind and doing your part avails much. Praising God, worshipping Him, listening to Him, having and professing your Faith in Him and doing your part in the story no matter the twist and turns? Now that is Faith and Works ya'll. You can't do what you are suppose to do listening to a bunch of idiots in you ear and they ain't doing what they suppose to be doing either. Why are you trying to listen to them..... Whateva Shawt! Stop it and get on your grind. God is the only one that has to understand. Don't give Him or you excuses. Get on your grind and fulfill your purpose. Do that.

I wish ya well. I am moving on. and on. and on. and on. No. Dead. Weight. Wanted. Or. Carried.

Thanks Ya'll. It has been a truly great day. Except for your still reading this part. Go Away.
Kita

Cool

I am feeling pretty cool now. Yeah, pretty cool. Today I have pretty much decided to relax.

I picked up Queen Latifah's jazz cd, listened to that in the car instead of getting my J. Moss, Mary Mary or Shekinah Glory on. I prayed for everybody that was on the road this morning. That they drive safely without accident, incident or ticket. That their families are safe and that they arrive home in one piece with no harm to themselves or their property. I also prayed that they would get out of my way. Folk, it is Friday. Move. Still chillin' though like a villian or something like that.

My friend and I we are straight. I kinda decided that I would keep doing me and living my life. If she can't hang she can't. I accept that. It would hurt, but heck I have moved on from bigger stuff than that.

Moving on.

I am getting back out there on the dating scene ya'll. I have played and I've been played. I mark it all up to the game. Honey, I deserve real love. You deserve me iffin I choose you. How bout it shawt?

That is all I gotta say right now. Chillin. You dig. Relaxin'. No drama no mess and clear blue skies.

Yeah, mama still love you even when she don't like you. Get on outta here and have a good weekend.

Smooches.
Kita

Getting Free - Lesson 1

Now. Today the lesson is about getting really free. Free I said. Listen up.

Get rid of dream killas. Them mothersuckers come in all colors and the amount of time that you have known them etc does not matter.

I have a friend who I am beginning to recongize as having dream killa tendencies. As such she will either straighten up and fly right or fly on. Or I will fly own. I do mean that.

Why would I leave a friend alone that I have known for 8+ years? Her recent comments. See I am overweight, I got some butt, hips, stomach etc to lose. True. I let myself go trying desperately to make sure that no one could see or hurt me. To all of you who find out that your friend has had serious abuses in their life, encourage them to talk about it, face it so that they can move forward. I recently did that, and I am glad to say that I am doing what I need to do now. Taking a 30 minute walk 5 times a week and I am also going to the gym in two weeks. It is my life, and I plan for my body to be as fantabulous as my personality and soul. Back to the story though, when I told my friend that I am tired of being the fat girl in the group she chuckled, which did not bug me, it was her comment of, "so you feeling like Countess Vaughn huh?" Umm. No. I am feeling like me. Countess Vaughn had/has envy issues. Me, umm I want to get healthy and not have to go to Lane Bryant for clothes.

She also has a relationship with God that I do not. Now, let me get it straight, I love God, but in my childhood home getting to know him for yourself and on a personal level was pushed, not getting up and going to church. I did not do that, nor did my family, but we had discussions about God, prayed at every meal, watched archaeology specials about Israel and Jesus etc. and his times. We read, learned as much as we could about the Jews and how they worshipped believed etc. and I was taught that my relationship with God could not discount the Jewish faith due to the close connection that Christians had with them. Like I said, different, but mine and just as genunie and beautiful as everything else. My aunts often came by and we went to church with them, but that did not take away from my personal relationship with God and frankly I value that over church. Period. Like it or not. Deal. Her relationship with God is based in the church. Again, not taking away from how she believes, and not trying to pretend that I know about her personal relationship with God either. It is hers and I respect that. However, I am noting that when respecting my relationship with God comes up, she has an issue. I joined a church where she is a member. I never said that I would blindly follow anything or during the times when I felt the need to walk with God myself I would not do so. She is not a fan of do you, live, learn, improve and grow. But that is what I am doing. I will not apologize either.

I recently decided to become a bit free from her. I have to keep my eyes on my own paper. It is hard, you have to leave people, not allow them to hold you back.

Yesterday I told her that I was pushing for a new job title and additional mula at my job. My job title is wrong. I do things that are not considered as a specialized skill in this office, but in the field I am in at large it is considered more and more a specialized skill and service. When I told her I was prepared to leave if we could not come to a raise agreement I got a speech about how I am blessed, which I agree with. I was told that I should not get wrapped up in material things etc. I listened with my mouth open. Ya'll I am a single woman with a car and home. Really, I need a new car. I want to move from my townhome into a place closer to downtown. I do not think that my saying that I was willing to leave my job so that I can do what I need to, to live the life I wanted deserved a speech like this. However, now that I understand that she is want to do this, I can't confide in her. Yeah, I am willing to leave my job and get another. Yeah, I like the folks I work with and appreciate the flexibility and no I am not materialistic. I drive a 1997 Geo Prizm and it is not on its last leg, but I don't want to be in it when it gets there either. My saying this because I note that when I am not in more and more I get the phone calls does not make me a bad person. It does however make me aware of how important what I do is to the place I work, even if the funds I earn do not represent that. I plan to fix that, and I am. Oh yeah, did I mention that she has a husband at home, has never really lived on her own and pro'lly don't get what I am saying? I got a roommate ya'll a good friend I have known for years, she is helping me out as I get myself together financially. She is making enough to get her own home, land and start a business if she wanted to do so. She is helping me out, not staying with me for life. Just thought that you needed to know that too.

I love her, but I notice anytime the discussion is about me and my needs or plans to improve myself I am given the do not ask for too much speech, you should be ok with what you got speech or a joke/comment that is not funny, or the I am gonna do more than what you are doing comments. She is very supportive when it comes to getting over past issues but sometimes it seems that if I am coming out hard for myself a personal come up then there is an issue. She gets space now. I do not think she knows that she is doing it. I really had not noticed until I stated concentrating on my life. It is gonna be hard, but I am going to do me. Adjust or move on. Without apoplogy. I will mourn the loss of a good friend, I will gather more.

It is all about moving me forward ya'll. Not trying to harm, maim or kill, but I will be taking care of me. Even if it means I gotta move some folks out of my life or out of my way.

Kita

Strong Black Woman, Kathy Griffin special

OK. I was not going to post about this. I saw it on another persons site and wondered what do others think. I do not think this woman is funny. She is irritating to me. I also do not think that she means to insult. She just did so with her title and her complete and utter ignorance.

Being a black woman, a strong black woman in this day and age ain't no joke. I gotta mean mug ignant folk. I gotta fight too much. I gotta toe the line of letting you be aware that BS and I ain't friends but no, I don't want to fight with you about this, I just want a discussion. I know the women are getting what I am referring to, and guys you pro'lly got an idea too.

I do not need any woman in a public arena who cannot acknowledge or respect my plight taking what I am and gotta be day in and day out and making it into a joke. Period. That is why I am a womanist and not a feminist because, on the real, white feminist too often do not get it. They say and do things that are disrespectful or just plain callous. I can't be bothered. They periodically do so to women of color. It is because they do not want to say it. They are privileged, they live, grow up etc. in a society that honors and protects them. Essence did an article about the ridiculous number of black women missing that are never put on television, there are not any statewide or city/county wide searches for. The number is crazy. I am sure that the number is crazy for other races/cutlures too, but we are not that privileged to have someone honor and want to protect us in that way. I am not saying that black folks don't care, I am saying that somehow we are expected to make it or to accept the situation as is. There is no media circus, nothing happens unless they suspect that the person who did something to them was involved in a crime of some sort. Other than that, no dice. Nothing shows up on our tv screens.

Strong black women keep their kids safe, attend school, go to work, work with their men, do their thing and do it successfully against a multitude of odds every day. Strong black women balance out their lives, are beautiful and vulnerable and push on anyway and believe in themselves despite the garbage they are dished.

I don't need someone who will not fight to save my children, never understood that I am a warrior out here for him and I, for all of us struggling, confused, beautiful, focused, intelligent, loving, caring, hurting, healing black folk. I do not need someone who does not get it to make that type of show with who and what I am and what I represent being exploited as a joke. I do not need someone who can't tell if a black person is blushing to call herself a strong black woman. She is the joke. She certainly cannot tell a joke. I know that comedians are suppose to push the envelope and let society see themselves no mater how painful and wrap it up in laughter, but this is pushing it way too far. I will probably sit down and watch her show and write Bravo a complaint letter if her routine is ridiculous. I wonder how much of an outcry there would be if a black comedian put out a show called Weak, Whiny, Privileged White Chick? Can you imagine the outcry?

*Disclaimer - I do not know of any such show. To my knowledge women of all races have their strong and their bad points. If you are offended please note that I am making a point. If you are still offended, please cease and desist reading my blog. I am not always politically correct.

Until I watch it, she gets placed in the stupid corner. There she goes, all smiley and happy with the rest of the idiots. I feel a whole lot better. Umm, she is stupid. Gotta go now.

Kita

Why blog?

I am taking the time, becasue I have read so many beautiful blogs from both women and men on the love, self love, life thing to take a break to not talk about relationships, as a matter of fact I am going to share why I am blogging.
I am moving forward. Yep, what you read under my title is true to why this blog is out and what I am doing in my life.
Take a sit down and my Gran would have told you if you came by her home to visit, take a sit down and relax. This is a story of victory not defeat. Sometimes how your story plays out is to your benefit. My story is one of me coming to the place of love that I am at now. Still got a ways to go, but I am going there.
Now, short version, I was a people pleaser and a self sacrificer to the nth degree. When my sister had kids she went and did her thing, I helped mom and dad with the kids. I was all of 16 years old, still trying to figure out what I was about. Jump ahead two years, time to go to college but I was blocked due to my dad figuring that I needed to assist my mom with, you guessed it, my sisters kids. This crap went on for years, and yours truly fell into a deep depression. Almost committing suicide depression. Did I mention that years before, unbeknowest to my parents my cuz molested me (13 years old?) . Moving forward ya'll. Yeah it hurts but I am healing on and not dwelling on that time in my life. College was hell. While I am trying to find out who I am, folks who run with cliques and are not use to people who don't act a fool. One chick, who was suppose to be my friend accused me of stealing a check from her purse. Others decided that I did do it too, and I was ostracized.
So let's tally this up shall we, I had my parents who demanded to much of me at a time when most are learning about themselves, my sisters kids, a job for the first time in my life, crazy, backstabbing and disinterested friends, a past of pain and betrayal from a beloved cousin and college with some jacked up folks who decided I was a theif becasue I was a loner, not a part of their click. I do not do cliques. Like me, hate me - deal. Let me tell ya, when all the fight goes out of you it is a bad time in your life. I got there (depressed/suicidal), but did not stay there. Once I got the knife and considered ending my life, seriously considered it, it occured to me I do not have to accept this BS. God arrived and I cried and I got my FIGHT back. I pushed my sister, her kids, my folks and everyone off of me. My folks did not mean any harm, they needed help, my sister was suppose to do that though, not me. My sister was selfish. Oh well. I have had to forgive them. My brother and I were in the same boat and were pissed off about the shit. Believe me, resentment and anger is a life saver sometimes. Deciding to forgive folks for their transgressions give me, not them the power. That is why I tell silly, stupid and insipid people to move along. If you are a dream killa, don't stop. I don't want to know you either.
Movign forward. I learned how to drive, got a house, and started dealing with my emotional stuff. I looked over my dreams and have decided recently to return to school and to get and stay balanced and healthy. Over the years, I ate to suppress the pain, the hurt, the anger, the dissapointment and the lack of self love and self esteem. It took a minute, some good friends, some using friends, some good men, some men who were from hell. I learned over the years that people do what is expected by others and themselves, how they have lived and how they grew up. You either choose to believe all that crap or change the tape. I also learned that some of the things folks(myself included) do are things that they have the power to change. Acknowldege it, change it, accept it and shut up. Other than that do you and move on. It has been a hard journey, a lotta work but I am changing and more importantly I am choosing to love myself and others and live my life fully as I can.
I choose to love, to live, to not ignore history - your or mine and to not be tied to it but to accept and learn from it. I have learned to embrace, to hope, and heck yeah to fight. I choose. I am stronger because of what I have been through, and I am a story of victory in progress not a victim or a survivor. I love some of these folks and don't hold their ignorance against them. They had no idea how it would affect me in the long run. My molesting cousin we later learned was molested too. Patterns set in motion that he did not choose to stop. I pray that more folks face their pains and demons so that they curses set up in their lives by the evil of others can stop.
I blog because I don't mind sharing who I am - now. We ain't gotta be friends folks, and I am not afraid of being mis-understood, having someone act a fool who doesn't know me, being disrespected, or anything else. See, that has happened to me already. Who the Lord sets free is free indeed, thank you God, I am free. Boo, I am free. That is why I blog. Maybe with what I write about I can set somebody else free too. If not, well maybe if nothing else you will wake up and stop thinking life is so dang top heavy and stop being so cocky thinking that what you see is what you get. That is ridiculous. People are more complex than that.
Whateva you do, don't be stupid. That irks me. Or amuses me. So what the heck be yourself. We are all stupid about something, unless of course your are, or you choose to live like the Enigma Kita. Then your life is becoming fantabulous. Congratulations!

Kita

Too Much ...Wat? - RANT

Hey I lied. You can always go to another blog, but I would like it if you stayed a while.

This is to the folks who over the years have told me that I am too much, too me, too spunky, too sassy. I am who I am. This is to the folks who assumed that I am quiet and do not have much to say, want me to be like their mama, and have other ridiculous expectations. I am who I am and I am a balanced combination of all of those things. To those who saw only one side and thought that they could place me firmly in one box or another, you can't. I decide where I sit, you get the right to watch as I choose. Yeah I am a womanist and full- figured. Yeah I can be very sexual, yeah I can be rather aggravative, yeah I can be aggressive, or rather passive depending upon how I view the importance of the situation. Again I am who I am, a balanced combo of all of those things that create moi. I am a womanist, and a writer, a thinker, an optimist and a believer. Yes, I am an enigma. I will not be solved in 30 min or 2 hours. If you need those type of folks in your life, move on. I am not one.

By the by, I do not know any one or two dimensional easily figured out people. If you know one be very afraid. They might one day crave excitement and (cue the Psycho music) there you go. I do not know any chameleon folk either, unless of course you are talking about in a sci-fi way (love it!), so please think on that. I do not fit into your box. I am a black Southern womanist. My face says sweet, confident, kind and so does my mouth until I open it (at times, lol) and voice how I really feel. To those who think I belong in the box you created, I would say bite me, but really just move along. Don't stay. I will not miss you. Well, I will, but not your many expectations. *sigh*

Me too much ... no shawt. I am simply a black woman who did try to live in the box others created and broke out of that box (dang weight gain!). I need to be who I need to be for God and me. If you are not use to this type of thinking, or a person who will say what she thinks when she speaks on how she views her world leave me alone. Stage left.

To the past me who listened to these fools who would not know how to deal with a good, opinionated, loving, caring exponentially gifted and blessed young woman, oh you know. Giiirrrlll, you were a bad one. People remember your face and name to this day and you have not worked at the old bookstore for 12 years. You were not meant for everyone to enjoy and to get to know. Your sweetness got you in trouble with fools and your sass and spunk told/reminded them how much trouble you could be. That doing what I got to without fear or censure thing and choosing your battles are great lessons from the folks. Good going. To the present me, just keeping being you... but more if at all possible ;o) Live as fearlessly as you can.

See I do get it now ya'll. I ain't meant for everybody to get to know and to understand. That is way to many mugs in my life anyway, and I like to keep my life private and mine with good folks along for the journey. I have run into quite a few people lately who were not feeling my style when I was younger, and they meet me now and say stupid things like, have you calmed the heck down. No fool ( I do not actually say this part). I am just more like a scapel than a serated knife, that is what I say now. They lookat me smirk, shake their heads and I, well I stand there waiting for an appropriate response. It never comes. Oh well. Let me lay it to you straight, I decide when I need to or what I need to change. You can suggest, you can encourage, I choose. Being my friend, or any grown folks friend means understanding that. You can take your opinions and chuck them in the river with the rest of the chum. As a person pointed out to me a while, a gift is only gift if it received as one. Trash can. It is a good thing to keep close by. Keep your drivel. I am moving on. Really.

Just enough for being who and what I need to be. Moving on. Smooches and love dahling,

Kita

Realizing/leadership cont.

I just realized that I am a old school type of girl. I believe and try to do what God says not man. I do not walk behind pastors, my mama, daddy, bro, sis or cousins and certainly not you without looking for myself on issues etc. I don't mind cooking, I ain't fond of cleaning but me and dirt are not friends. I got a smart mouth. However, I am sweet, kind, tender etc. I am pretty nice. I do run with my instincts if they scream at me. I don't follow people easily and I am not impressed with what you got or your position or what you said. I research before I go along, or I need to hear all sides before I pick one. I like the whole picture, you can keep that specialization thing that you are doing, I want to know how do these pieces fit to make a whole. When I pick a side I usually shock folks because my laid back manner puts them in a false security mode that I am not going to stand my ground or fight -- that is until I do. Pretty confident, working on stuff but confindent that personal and life issues will be worked out for the best . I expect to be treated well, and iffin I do not get treated well, well you can move on. Or I can, I usually do the moving on. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt and respect you and your gangsta unless you are wellllll....stupid. Then you are dismissed. Once I discover I need to move on I wish you well, pray that God blesses you over and abundantly and then you go in the once was but as of today, this present moment is of no consequence to me box. Moving forward ya'll. I. Gots. To. Go.

Now back to what I am realizing, or back to the lessons taught, unlearned and sometimes I was just to mired in crap to see or understand about this black male/female relationship stuff.
Leading and women. Now, I understand that the guys may be like, yeah , what in the heck ya'll suppose to be doing in this role. OK, I will explain. The pace. Yep I said it. She decides the pace. The mood, is she umm difficult? Is she peaceful to a fault, will she cuss you out about nonsense? Is she more willing to have a discussion, is she asking for mula all the time telling you what she needs 24/7 or is she interested in your life too and what your needs are. Yes. Now, another things, fellas I said needs.
If you need a woman who is affectionate, kind, slow to anger, quick to forgive, takes care of self, life, fam, you and expects you to take the leadership role in the relationship, why are you dating that gold digger? More importantly why are you attracted to drama queens, how about Ms. Bout It, how about Ms. I want a thug? Now keep what you say you need in mind when you go out there next time. Everybody wants a nice good looking person on their arm, however, when she looks good but got those serious, I want a man who is faking who he is thing and can buy me stuff groove going on, check her and then yourself (by the way, that woman wants a boy) . When she cusses you out about every thing, you breathing to hard, why are you getting up at 8 instead of 9am in the morning, she is a controlling --- *sigh* difficult woman. When she tries to get physical with you and not in the biblical or kidding around way, why are you with her? Huh? Ya'll have fallen for the hype. The hype is BS. Straight. On the video she is the bomb, in the board room, hair salon, etc she is the bomb, in the bedroom, kitchen, den she is the bomb. And she bombed your a**. She is not a boss she is a bi**h. Remember real leaders lead by example. Is she eclipsing your sun so that she can have all of your attention? She wants someone to take care of her. Everythang. Are you choking and you are just in a five mile radius of her? Who chose her again? Like I said that hype has gotta go.
The woman who lets the relationship move at a moderate pace, the one who will call you on occassion to see what is up and wants to do something out of your norm, the one who gets your jokes, and when you say something sexual after you tested earlier to see how far she will allow you to go and now her eyes are twinkling and she is teasing back, her. The one who offered to cook cause both of you were having money issues, offered to treat you, when you showed up in your older car she did not blink an eye because the inside was cleaned up and you opened the door, plus you working on your plan and she ain't tripping, her. She is working on her plan and can tell you about it and you can see what she is doing (going to the gym, returning to school, buying a house, volunteering her time etc.) that is moving her towards her goal, yeah her. The nice, everyday looking woman who smiles at you in the library, grocery store, govt' buildings, her. The one you can speak one day and be funny the next and not do so and she still smiles and keeps it moving with no drama no mess, her. That is the nice girl right there bruh. Note, if she does drama (excessive), if everybody is in her business that is a sign that she is a girl, not a woman. If the first thing she does is see what you will purchase for her (beyond paying for the date now!), she is looking for a daddy, the one who needs that excessive attention is looking for daddy too.

I am finish blogging for today. Life moves on and so do I. Umm, leave. Thanks.

Kita

Leadership - Relationships

Yeah I cam back to write more drivel. What about it?
Anyhoo. Guys, lead. You know what a real leader does right? Heck I just figured this out myself after talking to my dad, my brother and my other assorted male friends who are successfully and happily involved or married:
They found out what was in the heart of the woman that they were involved with and then they were transparent about their own situation and then they took action about their own stuff. That inspired their women folk to do the same, and that moment of being transparent also known as vulnerability made the women swoon and love him even more and before you know it she is finding him hecka attractive. He is a keeper, I ain't letting go.
Now. That is the type of leadership we want our bosses to have, no? It is the kind that what you want from me your A** should do type of leadership, that get in the trenches and do it with me leadership. Until you know chick though and can trust her (cause let us be real,a big problem we have with each other are trust/fear issues) don't tell her nothing that your boys, your ma or others do not know about and you care about. Not until you trust her.
Women, I cannot say this enough. Stop nagging. Stop it. Not cause of him, you getting on my nerves. His too. Say it no more than twice. Shut. Up. Watch what he decides to do. Men do talk, (shut. up.) but it is sometimes drivel or to see how much crap they can get away with or to see what are you made of. If it is critical to the relationship, peace, something that needs to be discussed, has been discussed and he does get the importance of it/ won't doit/ won't consider it/ agrees to do it and then don't (second inform convo goes here) then ummm, bounce. If it is what you need and he really wants a solid relationship with you in particular he will get the message that this is a deal breaker. I am not saying do not call him or be around him, I am suggesting that you give him time to himself to think/process about that thing and is it worth it to let a good woman go over this situation here. Now if you can't compromise on it, it is that important to you then ma stand your ground. If he decides to say see ya cause to do that for him is a deal breaker then, hurt, cry, scream , hang with your girls and then.... get back out there.
I am learning to do this. My male family members and friends tell me that I am getting a little bit smarter. Whateva. I am finally taking my own dang advice. I understand that with everyone, including friends, either you do or you don't. My not being into pushing folks into doing stuff ie nagging, is a good thing. I need to learn how to cut my losses and move on, or to give the person a moment to process. Heck I need moments to process everybodys request. If I do not take that time I label them as stupid. I am working on that. If I do this surely others need the time. When I am processing I want everyone to shut up. Esp. if you are the one that made the request. Shut up. right now either I am thinking about it, avoiding thinking about it, wondering what you do not understand about the word no, or this is not going to work for me, or I am thinking my old stand by, you are stupid.
Well guys and gals there you are. I am out. Dumb bunny are you still reading this? Dang.

Kita

Black relationships

I have recently thought in great detail about the convos that I have read/heard concerning black male and female relationships. It seems that there is a refusal to look at the past and consider its affects. Or is that effects, well whatever, that. The past does color the future, and the media helps. This is my theory, how I sees it folks. Deal.
Every discussion, every situation, every everything that we do is connected to the past, and the people that we celebrate are connected to that too. That is my premise anyway. Keep that in mind, cause this is gonna be the short and sweet version of relationships and relating between black folks. Besides I like honest discussions.
Let's start with Slavery. Umm, rape black women keep black man away. Mandingo impregnate multiple black women for additional slaves. Everybody suffers. Black man not able to protect or will die, suffer, etc. if they attempt to do so. Black men seriously degraded and shamed. Black women not able to fight. If black woman fought so what she was raped anyway. Learned to expect not to be protected and learn to accept situation. Umm. Lesson(s) taught to both genders - Your lives who you are and what you are only counts in the monetary value that you can bring to me (white/ sometimes black) slave owner. Slavery ends. (umm, right) Thanks to Lincoln. NOT. Moving along. Protection of the black woman comes at huge price. Lynching, killing and white folks having parties while all of it is going on. Also our men are damaged due to not being able to protect themselves and their women. Love of self and love of each other somehow prevails. Menial jobs/ sharecropping are "opportunities" offerered to both genders. 1863- 1960's this crap continues. Both sexes endure lies told about them. Black men will have sex with anything and really want white women to the point of rape etc. Black women are insatiable sex addicts, nymphos. We do not have anything but each other to count on, and we beleive in the best of each other. Black women are still a major part in the battle to stay alive along with the black man. Stay with me, 'k? OK.

Let's see Black Pride movement 1970's . Though it was not a patriarchal system in the sense that America did it, that patriarchal system was pushed cause black men need to feel like men. Understandable.Sisters are to have sex, be in the march and take care of the kiddies. Ummm. Yeah some women marched out of their place, but it was their expected place. Unfortunately with out of wedlock kids becoming more prevalent, gangs were more prevalent as well. Actually gangs actually started as a way to protect and make some money and then money, well you know what happens when getting that dolla becomes the focus. Back to the history part. The govt. don't care that we are women, they go after us too. Black men are not able to protect all, and are out numbered too. Well, now black women are protecting their kids (as well as they can) out of necessity from the men who are suppose to protect them and the govt. Damn, we are some bad girls, I tell ya. Umm. They (black women) really are not made for this, but what the heck. Black women become bad mother --- watch your mouth, we just talking about black superwomen/mammy/lover right? Umm. Warrior is the word that comes to mind, because most sisters have a I will protect my child and myself at all cost switch that they can't seem to cut off. I wonder why. (hint: It is hard to be soft, feminine and forgiving if your ass is always on high alert ie. that What the hell is that negro/boss/world doing, trying to get over on me guard is up, bruh, keep it moving) I digress. Heads up, again women in general are not really meant to do that in every area of their life. It is different if it a choice, their job (police officers, army, etc) and when that guard is up in every area of their lives. You guys catch hell cause of that, right right. That warrior stance that you see is a I gotta thing, it is not suppose to be an everyday thing, but some of you have forgotten that and actually honor the Superblack woman, warrior, mammy but now she is yourlover and she got her foot up in your a*#. Whatcha crying for now?
Think about your aunt, sister, cuz, lover, momma, grandma - the one that everybody knew better than to mess with and who handled her biz. You know the one who told you that if she found out about you using drugs etc. that she will come with a 4x4 to beat that butt ya got. Her. That being Super thing, can kill ya spirit I tell ya. The one that Madea and others make you feel like you know her cause you do. Ummm. Now think about that woman you keep trying to get with, she ain't nothing but a younger version of what you admire in your fam man. She is not an anomaly. You ain't Neo, the only good kind black man on the planet either. Your sweet female family members aren't anomalys either. Whether we want to admit it or not we need each other to keep in balance. Without a healthy combo of male and female everybody is gonna be fukked up. Deal with that fact first, let it marinate in your mind for a sec.
More history and men/women psychology lessons will abound on this blog. After that I will write about the guys and their stuff and give my theory on why black relationships are screwed up right now and what I think we can do to stop the nonsense, the hurt, the pain and the drama.

On a personal note, I have decided to not do any drama, and right now I have taken my Superwoman sign down. It is a scary new world taking down the Super black woman sign and being vulnerable, I tell ya. I am trusting God on keeping me safe though. That is how I am doing this.

Until the next time I post, bye Negroes.

God, I do miss Dave Chapelle. Please send me a new show to watch, or put his Block Party on DVD. Thanx for giving me the strength to be real even when being a fascimile is easier. Amen.

Kita aka Queen Deluxe