Why blog?
I am taking the time, becasue I have read so many beautiful blogs from both women and men on the love, self love, life thing to take a break to not talk about relationships, as a matter of fact I am going to share why I am blogging.
I am moving forward. Yep, what you read under my title is true to why this blog is out and what I am doing in my life.
Take a sit down and my Gran would have told you if you came by her home to visit, take a sit down and relax. This is a story of victory not defeat. Sometimes how your story plays out is to your benefit. My story is one of me coming to the place of love that I am at now. Still got a ways to go, but I am going there.
Now, short version, I was a people pleaser and a self sacrificer to the nth degree. When my sister had kids she went and did her thing, I helped mom and dad with the kids. I was all of 16 years old, still trying to figure out what I was about. Jump ahead two years, time to go to college but I was blocked due to my dad figuring that I needed to assist my mom with, you guessed it, my sisters kids. This crap went on for years, and yours truly fell into a deep depression. Almost committing suicide depression. Did I mention that years before, unbeknowest to my parents my cuz molested me (13 years old?) . Moving forward ya'll. Yeah it hurts but I am healing on and not dwelling on that time in my life. College was hell. While I am trying to find out who I am, folks who run with cliques and are not use to people who don't act a fool. One chick, who was suppose to be my friend accused me of stealing a check from her purse. Others decided that I did do it too, and I was ostracized.
So let's tally this up shall we, I had my parents who demanded to much of me at a time when most are learning about themselves, my sisters kids, a job for the first time in my life, crazy, backstabbing and disinterested friends, a past of pain and betrayal from a beloved cousin and college with some jacked up folks who decided I was a theif becasue I was a loner, not a part of their click. I do not do cliques. Like me, hate me - deal. Let me tell ya, when all the fight goes out of you it is a bad time in your life. I got there (depressed/suicidal), but did not stay there. Once I got the knife and considered ending my life, seriously considered it, it occured to me I do not have to accept this BS. God arrived and I cried and I got my FIGHT back. I pushed my sister, her kids, my folks and everyone off of me. My folks did not mean any harm, they needed help, my sister was suppose to do that though, not me. My sister was selfish. Oh well. I have had to forgive them. My brother and I were in the same boat and were pissed off about the shit. Believe me, resentment and anger is a life saver sometimes. Deciding to forgive folks for their transgressions give me, not them the power. That is why I tell silly, stupid and insipid people to move along. If you are a dream killa, don't stop. I don't want to know you either.
Movign forward. I learned how to drive, got a house, and started dealing with my emotional stuff. I looked over my dreams and have decided recently to return to school and to get and stay balanced and healthy. Over the years, I ate to suppress the pain, the hurt, the anger, the dissapointment and the lack of self love and self esteem. It took a minute, some good friends, some using friends, some good men, some men who were from hell. I learned over the years that people do what is expected by others and themselves, how they have lived and how they grew up. You either choose to believe all that crap or change the tape. I also learned that some of the things folks(myself included) do are things that they have the power to change. Acknowldege it, change it, accept it and shut up. Other than that do you and move on. It has been a hard journey, a lotta work but I am changing and more importantly I am choosing to love myself and others and live my life fully as I can.
I choose to love, to live, to not ignore history - your or mine and to not be tied to it but to accept and learn from it. I have learned to embrace, to hope, and heck yeah to fight. I choose. I am stronger because of what I have been through, and I am a story of victory in progress not a victim or a survivor. I love some of these folks and don't hold their ignorance against them. They had no idea how it would affect me in the long run. My molesting cousin we later learned was molested too. Patterns set in motion that he did not choose to stop. I pray that more folks face their pains and demons so that they curses set up in their lives by the evil of others can stop.
I blog because I don't mind sharing who I am - now. We ain't gotta be friends folks, and I am not afraid of being mis-understood, having someone act a fool who doesn't know me, being disrespected, or anything else. See, that has happened to me already. Who the Lord sets free is free indeed, thank you God, I am free. Boo, I am free. That is why I blog. Maybe with what I write about I can set somebody else free too. If not, well maybe if nothing else you will wake up and stop thinking life is so dang top heavy and stop being so cocky thinking that what you see is what you get. That is ridiculous. People are more complex than that.
Whateva you do, don't be stupid. That irks me. Or amuses me. So what the heck be yourself. We are all stupid about something, unless of course your are, or you choose to live like the Enigma Kita. Then your life is becoming fantabulous. Congratulations!
Kita
I am moving forward. Yep, what you read under my title is true to why this blog is out and what I am doing in my life.
Take a sit down and my Gran would have told you if you came by her home to visit, take a sit down and relax. This is a story of victory not defeat. Sometimes how your story plays out is to your benefit. My story is one of me coming to the place of love that I am at now. Still got a ways to go, but I am going there.
Now, short version, I was a people pleaser and a self sacrificer to the nth degree. When my sister had kids she went and did her thing, I helped mom and dad with the kids. I was all of 16 years old, still trying to figure out what I was about. Jump ahead two years, time to go to college but I was blocked due to my dad figuring that I needed to assist my mom with, you guessed it, my sisters kids. This crap went on for years, and yours truly fell into a deep depression. Almost committing suicide depression. Did I mention that years before, unbeknowest to my parents my cuz molested me (13 years old?) . Moving forward ya'll. Yeah it hurts but I am healing on and not dwelling on that time in my life. College was hell. While I am trying to find out who I am, folks who run with cliques and are not use to people who don't act a fool. One chick, who was suppose to be my friend accused me of stealing a check from her purse. Others decided that I did do it too, and I was ostracized.
So let's tally this up shall we, I had my parents who demanded to much of me at a time when most are learning about themselves, my sisters kids, a job for the first time in my life, crazy, backstabbing and disinterested friends, a past of pain and betrayal from a beloved cousin and college with some jacked up folks who decided I was a theif becasue I was a loner, not a part of their click. I do not do cliques. Like me, hate me - deal. Let me tell ya, when all the fight goes out of you it is a bad time in your life. I got there (depressed/suicidal), but did not stay there. Once I got the knife and considered ending my life, seriously considered it, it occured to me I do not have to accept this BS. God arrived and I cried and I got my FIGHT back. I pushed my sister, her kids, my folks and everyone off of me. My folks did not mean any harm, they needed help, my sister was suppose to do that though, not me. My sister was selfish. Oh well. I have had to forgive them. My brother and I were in the same boat and were pissed off about the shit. Believe me, resentment and anger is a life saver sometimes. Deciding to forgive folks for their transgressions give me, not them the power. That is why I tell silly, stupid and insipid people to move along. If you are a dream killa, don't stop. I don't want to know you either.
Movign forward. I learned how to drive, got a house, and started dealing with my emotional stuff. I looked over my dreams and have decided recently to return to school and to get and stay balanced and healthy. Over the years, I ate to suppress the pain, the hurt, the anger, the dissapointment and the lack of self love and self esteem. It took a minute, some good friends, some using friends, some good men, some men who were from hell. I learned over the years that people do what is expected by others and themselves, how they have lived and how they grew up. You either choose to believe all that crap or change the tape. I also learned that some of the things folks(myself included) do are things that they have the power to change. Acknowldege it, change it, accept it and shut up. Other than that do you and move on. It has been a hard journey, a lotta work but I am changing and more importantly I am choosing to love myself and others and live my life fully as I can.
I choose to love, to live, to not ignore history - your or mine and to not be tied to it but to accept and learn from it. I have learned to embrace, to hope, and heck yeah to fight. I choose. I am stronger because of what I have been through, and I am a story of victory in progress not a victim or a survivor. I love some of these folks and don't hold their ignorance against them. They had no idea how it would affect me in the long run. My molesting cousin we later learned was molested too. Patterns set in motion that he did not choose to stop. I pray that more folks face their pains and demons so that they curses set up in their lives by the evil of others can stop.
I blog because I don't mind sharing who I am - now. We ain't gotta be friends folks, and I am not afraid of being mis-understood, having someone act a fool who doesn't know me, being disrespected, or anything else. See, that has happened to me already. Who the Lord sets free is free indeed, thank you God, I am free. Boo, I am free. That is why I blog. Maybe with what I write about I can set somebody else free too. If not, well maybe if nothing else you will wake up and stop thinking life is so dang top heavy and stop being so cocky thinking that what you see is what you get. That is ridiculous. People are more complex than that.
Whateva you do, don't be stupid. That irks me. Or amuses me. So what the heck be yourself. We are all stupid about something, unless of course your are, or you choose to live like the Enigma Kita. Then your life is becoming fantabulous. Congratulations!
Kita
posted by Enigma | 7:59 AM
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