I know my name..

My brain is swarming with ideas and thoughts. Corrections are being made in my thought process. I have sinned. I have settled for a life and a way of being and thinking that does not lift me up. I forgot my name.

I am blessed with a beautiful name. My parents unknowingly gave me a name that means, well part of it means, " the victory of the people". Everytime I think of my name and the dream I had when I went through the tough emotional and financial times, every time I think of how I was told by God that my name once was Jakob but it had since been changed I try hard not to cry.

Let me explain. During one time in my life I let men take advantage of me. Not sexual, all of the time anyway, but advantage none the less. It is not like I did not know, it is more like I did not care and I definitely did not love me. Not in the way that I should. Could you physically do something to me, no. I warned any man, and warn any man straight, I will have fried man with a side or grits if you ever get that bold. I ain't playing. Keep your hands to yourself. It ticks me off just thinking about some so called man putting his hands on me to hurt me. Yeah, sucka, I am taking dna from you, any which way I can. Move that along.

Let me get off of that. Whhhoooooooossssssssssaaaaaahhhhhh. A few deep breaths ya'll and I will be right with you. * * * * * OK

But I did let myself be used. Too nice, too willing to please, no back bone. You could take advantage of me as long as you were there with me. Then it went too far and I had to fight to keep my house. I had to throw that fool out. I had to examine how I lived, thought, and how much I REALLY loved myself. I had to move in with my parents for 6 months and just pay the mortgage. I had to check in with how much did I REALLY love God, how much did I really believe in His promises? Found I was lacking in both departments, seriously. I did not trust Him, did not Love Him or myself as I should have. Start putting my life in check. The colored glasses were thrown in the trash. I started dealing with life the way it really was. There was more upheaval, friends who really did not get it at all start coming at me about my relationship with church while I was concerned about my relationship with God and Self. My friend did not get it and I had to forgive her. She kept trying to invalidate my life experiences, which is ridiculous. I mean, if we all have our God given own purpose for being here, our experiences are crucial to becoming who God wants us to become. I had to forgive her, and have to continuously forgive her for that faux pas. One day she will get it, but until then I will not stress about her lack of understanding. I gotta do what I got to do. I went to find God for myself, cried my eyes out, talked to Him constantly, stopped taking her calls cause she did not get it, she had to be booted out of my life for a while. I was in my valley deep down in there with nothing but smooth rocks on each side of me. I was stuck there for a purpose, God's.

When I finally asked God to show me what was my problem, he led me to the story of Jakob. At first I was ashamed. I mean, yeah I tried to constantly be the good girl etc, but I never wanted to hurt anyone or upsurp anyone. I did not get it. I did not get the meaning at all. I thought that all God was saying was what my friend said, you wrestle with me and you are foolish and to dang stubborn. I was so ashamed of who I was, like I needed more of that. I did not get it, and when I talked to my friend about it, you got it, every little negative atttribute possible was assigned to that revelation.

In God's infinte wisdom and grace, after I had another soul wrenching session with Him, I slept and had a profound dream. I was in my old childhood home. See, the old family home was destroyed by a tree, so the new home was on the same property. I looked out of the big plate window that we had and saw a tree in the backyard on fire. I grew up on an acre of land in the heart of ATL ya'll. The land behind the family home to this day is covered with bushes and trees and other stuff I will never get close to, ok? Anyway , I tried to get my mama, my dad, my sis and brother to see this tree. No one could see it. I was transfixed by the tree, and this was a huge Christmas tree on fire. How in the heck did they not see that ya'll? Next thing I know the tree and everything around it went into a total blaze and everything was gone, the house, my parents, my sibs, everything. I closed my eyes and ya'll when I opened them again I was pro'lly 3 feet from this tree and it was still on fire!! There was water and cool green grass and animals and I stood there looking in complete awe. I slowly and fearfully went up to that tree. I got on my knees, and reached out to this tree. As I did so I heard a voice say "Do you know how much I love you Beloved?" I woke up crying. Anyway, trying not to cry as I write this. God definitely had my attention. The changes that I needed to make in my life started that day. Foolish Pride left, I needed a roommate, asked my friend to move in. That was a bet. Thank you God. Stopped talking to my other friend for a while. Yes, she is God led, but she don't know nothing about what God has in purpose for me and my life. He talked to me about that, she gotta go on with that other ka-ka. Can't take the constant barrage of complaints and criticism even as I tell you how God came to me. This is not about church, this is about God and my relationship and trust with Him. Be gone. I joined a church that I am a still a member of, but I have not gone for several months. Another heart to heart with God was needed. I needed HIM. I am not going to apologize for that need. I could have gone back 3 months ago, but I got into the habit of sleeping late on Sunday, and you know, I do not go to my church after 7:30 service, it takes forevah to get out when you do. That is not for the kid. I am returning soon. Back to the story.

When I got back into the townhome, I dated some more, had a few sexual encounters that I regretted. Cut that crap out after the second guy. Stopped taking so much crap from people, and stopped trying to fit in all the dang time. If you do not like me find a butt cheek and give it a kiss. Holla back. Got my smart mouth back and started watching how I think, how I allow myself to be treated and started correcting folks about that there too. Nonna that. Get on. Also start letting folks know when I appreciated them, that I loved them. More importantly I began to get why I HAD to have God on the throne, not anybody else including myself. Constantly correcting that situation there.

Ond day, as I watched one of the biblical shows on one of my favorite channels A&E they did a discussion about Jakob. I watched in awe. My confusion and shame gave way. This man IS Isreal. This is what God changed his name too after he struggled with the angel. This man fought for an inheritance that was his in the first place. This boy grew into a man after he ran from his brother in fear and became a man when set with challenges and worked dilligently for them. This man came back to his brother rich and prosperous by the blessings of God after his Father in law tried to deceive him and use him. This man stood up to the challenges of his Father in law and had both of his daughters as his wives. This man is named Isreal. Isreal means "struggle with God". This man learned to honor and loved God and became prosperous despite tribulations. That is when I got it. I am like Jakob in some ways because I struggle with the expectations of man and God. I choose God, (most of the time, sometimes I do get it wrong). His name is Isreal. My combination of names mean victory of the people. I saw a burning bush, that man's name is Moses. A reluctant leader, Lord know's that I am one of those. One who thought because of his shortcomings he was not fit to lead. I too beat up on myself, and have to make the chitter chatter of how I am f'd up stop.

My shame is leaving, and the doubt that I continuously have about myself and my purpose is lessening. I am getting ready to go through another personal revolution. Every time I walk by myself and then God brings me back into the fold, I am preparing myself for a bigger responsibility and more prosperity in every area of my life. I have pointed out to folks many times before, every great leader of the bible walked by themselves at times in their lives. Stop asking folks who may need time apart from the church and walk alone as part of strengthening their relationship with God to not do this because it is something that you do not do. Again, I find myself putting my friends voice out of my head. I will correct her if necessary this time.

This morning God reminded me of my name, and who else in the Bible has had a similar life situation or attitude about themselves and their lives. I am grateful for that reminder. More importantly, I am grateful for my name.. ... It gives me more than a hope, it stands as a promise.

I am glad I remembered my name, and my purpose, creative and otherwise. Thank God for such a gift. No weapons poised against me shall prosper. What is wrong with you people? Did I not JUST tell you that I am meant to be victorious? Even death can't stop me. What God has placed in my heart to do I will do, and whatever that is, he means for it to carry on be it through a person/s an institution or an idea.

It is time for me to reevaluate my goals and dreams and make sure that they are on tap for my life. This weekend I am doing that. Straight no chaser. I am going to take some time for me and God, esp. since it seems that is the way that God has it. Every plan that I made for this weekend sans meeting up with my fam is either cancelled or pushed back. It is time to get back with who and what I am and what I am about.

Pray for me ya'll

Kita

Re-train? Nope, it ain't gonna happen partna'.

Straight. I have to give it to the brother straight. Take this rag and wipe that milk off of your lip. You are playing a grown man when your actions scream that you have the mind set of a teenager. I do not mind getting to know or supporting anyone, loving anyone. However, I am not going to re-train you on stuff your mom's already taught you about. Being considerate of others time, that kind of basic stuff there, ummm no. I am not going to be bothered with that.

I know that many men are spoiled these days when it comes to the dating scene, and really are not ready for the responsibility of what the definition of "man" means in a relationship. Can you lead brother? Is your word your bond? You know, basics. I did not mention rolling in dough, I did not mention anything about driving a certain car etc. To me, knowing you are a man because of your character and your morals, what you will and will not take a stand about, that you are intelligent etc, that is sexier than all of the material things. Material things are nice to have, but they are not the begin all and end all. If you cannot take care of biz on the daily and have something beyond your finances going on that really matters to you, I do not want you. Let the other chicks have at ya' and good luck.

Many menhave learned or think they have the gist of what women should do and be, but you betta go and check yourself and make sure you are in order before you come with that with me. You cannot, you do not have the right to ask a woman about her role, is she getting herself together and a common everyday moral decision, a common sense decision, extending common courtesy have you all hemmed up in a corner and is beating you down like its your pimp and you owe it money. Come on now! I pay attention to your actions man, your actions. For men, for most folks heck, this is what really matters. Actions ARE what matters. Let's just cut all the bull out from the get, ok?

I liked the guy, I really did. We had a good convo and he seemed pretty solid. Too bad he did not turn out that way. Yeah he has a lot on his plate, and a lot of others folks do too and they do common courtesy things and show respect to folks. Thankfully for me, I did not place my trust in the man though, honestly I did not know him like that. I placed my trust solely and solidly in God. I asked God as I have asked Him before to remove him if he ain't the one. Question answered and directions given. See ya later partna and good luck!!

I understand now that the guy did not fail me. Another frog, another toad, someone I kissed and now... I am glad he has moved on as quickly as he did. I am also glad that I continued to date and to be available. He showed me who and what he is. It is a simple thing to call and say, "my mom is ill, I have an emergency, got off to late. One more time, he did not do call to let me know what was really going on, but called the day after. Sorry fellas, even if your reasoning is that you don't want to hear what we gotta say, you know that this is called a punk move. Even if you are no longer interested, this is called a punk move. That was it for me, no more excuses. We are grown. I do not have time for that. Good luck with your life.

Just wasn't that into me, I suppose. I am not hurt nor am I really angry or anything. I am just dissapointed that I keep running into these kind of men. I guess the truth is, all of us, men and women are running into people who think that they have mucho game and have no common sense. As my ma always told me, common sense ain't really all that common. That quote, unfortunately, is proven again.

I wish him well as I keep the dating thing, the living thing, the hope and prayer thing moving along. No time for grudges ya'll. It is not worth it, and I am not blocking my blessings for anyone. Heck, I know I am going to be married. No use holding on to rotten garbage, put in the dumpster where it belongs. That way you don't get bitter or too tired to notice the good man/lady in front of ya.

Out ya'll. Have a good day!! Be gone now!

Queen Kita

Masking it

I keep thinking about the confusion that comes with not really getting to know someone
Not really getting to know who they are or what they are about
it seems to rampage throughout my folks
I gotta listen to stupidness on the radio
stupidness at the job and stupidness in the church


Get to know somebody. Stop thinking that those who want to know and not just want to keep up with the rappers and the singers and the other people that are basically paid to entertain are the beginning and end all. Look beyond the surface, see these folks are only people. They gotta do number 1 and 2 like we do. They got family issues, money issues, and relationship issues. Some of these folks got drug issues. They are just people.

I have always admired those who had the fortitude to be themselves more than those who are paid to enterain me. That is their persona, just like the persona we put forth when we report to work. Get outta here with thinking that these folks are gully like that 24/7. Grow up. Everything on the TV ain't real. They are struggling with their lives on some level just like us. Trust.

I have been reading blogs and keep hearing about T Owens. If he tried to take himself out, do you believe that he is gonna tell us? Get real. I read about the stupidness black men do to each other when they do not all come out looking like they will kill ya tomorrow if you breathe too hard. Get real and get outta here. Ya'll ain't ready to die just yet, just little boys running around pretending to be the super thugged out heroes you see on videos. Nobody WANTS to live like that. Get real. If they did why are they trying to get some paper, why do they move on time they do? Later with that stupidness.

Women, on the real, I do not want a man who lives like that. If that is your type then do you and turn up that Destiny child song. I. DO. NOT. WANT. THAT. IN. MY. LIFE. Some man coming thru the door mean mugging 24/7 unless he is trying to get you to give him some money or some booty, naw that ain't for me. I do not want a rudeboy or a gangsta or nonna that. Look good on tv, in real life it will get you KILLED by some fool that wants to prove that he can come harder. I want a grown man in my life, not someone still playing dress up I am a super thug for your azz. I want someone who is intelligent and knows how to treat a woman with sweetness, kindness and respect. Fo' reala. Nothing else will do. To each their own, but that is not for me. I want a man who can handle life when it comes at him, with his BS monitor on high alert, yeah, but I do not need a fool who keeps trying to prove what he is all of the time. When you are secure in your manhood, proving it is not even necessary. You ARE it, that is why you DO it.

My point really though is, get to know the folks, not just the persona, not just what they lay out there. Nobody is only one or two dimensional unless they are brutally abused as a child and/or are seriously disturbed. Stop looking at the TV and seeing stars, or looking at the every day person and seeing enemy etc. Start looking beyond the scope of the mask you wear and beyond that of others.

Kissing Frogs, Neighbor BS and Good Times

Another frog kissed...*sigh* Men, please tell your single male friends to man up and tell a woman what they really want. The more honest you are the less BS you and I will have to deal with. Oh well. Faith in is God, not man. I move forward with that issue too.

A crazy neighbor w/husband who does not understand you just do NOT do what you wish on another's property. They are beyond crazy and they are in their late 40's early 50's with this crap. Both very much stuck in high school. This is the deal. There was a hole that sat on both sides of our property line. They have a fence and wanted to get it fixed and it would not stand without the hole being fixed and their land being leveled. Instead of talking to me, they just did what they wanted. I wrote a note and told them congrats about their home improvements and also alerted them that I was interested in knowing when the work would be complete. These two stupid so called adults walked around the neighborhood asking questions about any comments I made to the other neighbors instead of talking to me. The man told my older neighbor that I have NO issues with at all, "your neighbor wanted the fence out of their yard" Boo-hoo. Looking for symphathy and a liar to boot. I think that maybe he cannot read. That is not what my note said. I think when it comes down to it, they did not expect me to take a stand, and I did. The wife called leaving a ugly condescending message on my voicemail. I maintained my calm when I contacted her, though I wanted to cuss out Dummy 1 &2 . I paid for half of the repair. I was going to get it done anyway. El Stupo did not ask me. Had the audacity to tell my older neighbor, "we thought we were doing her a favor" Yet, the first thing that you do is sit back and I am sure, listen as your wife leaves an ugly message on my phone. Whateva. Favor my butt. You thought because you wanted an improvement done, and I clearly was not getting any done, ie. finances did not allow, it gave you the right to do what you wanted because it was about your home, what I wanted thought etc. be damned.

Now the issue is that I do not want them on my property, and you know what they are right. I want to live a peaceful life. Keep it moving. At first the guy standing on his property to talk loudly to my older neighbor and not encroaching on mine made me uncomfortable. I am a woman of peace and forgiveness. However, forgivenenss does not mean stepping stool or rug. If this keeps the peace, so be it. You will not do whatever the hell you want with my property or my life.

Communication 101. Don't do stuff with property that does not belong to you without prior permission or discussion.

I pray for both of them. I refuse to drop to their level. Once again, I refused that is. I will not even get into the escalation over a mail box. You read right. The height of stupidity at its best again. I will do what is right, though in all honesty I wanted to show my azz. I will forgive them, cause it is clear they know not what they do. They also obviously do not intimately know the God I serve. It's all good. The uncomfortable feeling will pass, and I will get over it. I pray they do the same or they will talk to a lawyer instead of me. I will also move on from this hood. It was already in the plans, this is just added incentive to do so quicker. Instead of in the next 3 years, in the next year and maybe a half. Who knows.

Frogs and BS. What a combo. Ummm. Do I hear another ribbit in the distance, or was that nonsense babble from the mouths of idiots? *sigh*

LOL

Weekend was still nice though. Hung out with my girls. Had a great time. Made plans for next weekend. Life keeps changing and I move on. Began making/creating a new friend. The wheel keeps turning, and I keep moving forward. Sweet.

Ciao, for now

Kita

It is just plain sad... well sorta anyway

I read and re-read the post comments.

I mean, yeah, I do note that men can be at any size and get a nice looking woman of any size. I did note that.

I read and re-read the post comments when it came to women of size by other women and and men.

Look. Let me say it. I do not care what your preference are. I got mine, for instance I do not date or associate with idiots or shallow people or folks who have no faith in a God . Please note that I have nothing agains Atheist, I simply do not want to nor do I choose to battle against your disbelief on the regular. Geeze. If you can move on past this need to prove to me that God/ Jesus did not exist, then hey, we can talk. I believe in Jesus and am a Christian. If you can't roll with that, then roll on. I digress.

With all of the racism and ugliness we deal with, what is the deal with attacking each other about size? We all know that people are not just sitting down to eat cause they are hungry, you know that you too yeah you Mr and Mzs I am living in the gym occassionally eat or do some other habit that others would not smile about to relieve stress. Don't front with me.

I am not angry that folks got their preferences, but I am no less a human being or deserving of love or care than anyone else. I have been through some things in my life, and that ain't a excuse that is the truth. I handled it the way I thought was best when I was young. As I come to terms with stuff though it is becoming easier for me to catch myself and break that habit.

In our communities we look the other way when crap goes down. Somebody selling on the corner look the other way. Some uncle or cuzzin feeling up on young girls and boys, look the other way. Somebody 35 impregnating a 13-17 year old girl and got many of them gurls preggers, look the other way. Somebody beating the hell out of their spouse, look the other way. We can stand and watch each other cry and then turn our heads and You Got It look the other way. This painful crap hurts and people cope the best way they can. Some folks ain't got medical insurance, and as a people we are not known for taking even our crazy folk we know need help to the counselor's office. It is hard for us to admit that we need that kind of help.

Too many of us want the feeling of being better than another person, but I guarantee that I can pull back that cover, or your folks can and reveal to you your ugly side. To me, a person carrying weight is too much of a people pleaser, and are afrai, hiding from life cause they have been hurt to the core of who they are. They do not trust themselves and have little to no love for themselves. yes, I am full figured and I am getting healthier by going to the gym and by dealing with/ praying to remove demons that I thought I defeated a long time ago. You may not know the why, but to try to make folks more ashamed of the results of the shame and pain rather than talking to them or praying for them makes them worse not better. Yeah, attacking folks hurt, trying to shame them really works too. *waiting for you to remember how it felt to be attacked by someone who cared about you and how you reacted and then how you dealt with the same issue when someone offered you support. are you ready now? let's move along*

I read and then re-read the comments. I became sad about it.

Then in typical Kita/ Enigma fashion my brain said a loud "Ph*% 'em" Negroes doing what negroes do. If there should not be a crab in a barrel they will create one. If there should be a rope dropped down to help you up too many of your folks will drop down a noose for your neck to hang yourself. Yeah it is a shame it is this way, but it is. Deal. In the end, you gotta love some folks from a distance and keep the folks who would rather watch you fall outta your path. Well really out of your sky. Chickens peck babe, you may be a big one, gotta stop on a lot more branches to rest, but dang if you ain't an eagle flying. It's true but LOL. How bout that, huh?

A mind is a great thing to have. Joy that comes from God that nobody can remove is a blessing at all times.

Ok I am past being sad. I will pray for these folks. Like I have said about family and friends on occasion, I pray that God builds a hedge around them so that they will never feel the pain and hurt that they smirk and pick at when they see someone who has weight on them. I also pray that they will learn to uplift rather than come armed with popcorn to scorn and pitch barbs and past judgment on folks they really do not know nor understand.

In other words, get a heart or borrow one from someone. Do it soon. Yours is beating out a kinda poison. Choose to thrive and help others do the same.

Ummm. Good luck with that, mmmk?

Kita

Becoming Content with Life (poem)...

And life still goes, strums, moves on.

I am not desperate for a lovers embrace
anymore
and though I look forward to the day that I can
walk into arms that are mine to call
home
I am comfortably resting in the ones that have held me all
along
alone with myself in the darkness
I have learned how to see
the light that shines within
and always has been there
My eyes have adjusted and
that dark shadow that I tried to banish
I hug to myself
just another part of me
That is the sass and the class mixed
all for your pleasure
Or, hmmm maybe not
Music sweeps through my soul
hope and joy is un-harnessed
and runs through my spirit and soul like
children happy and free in a field of flowers
free of pest and pesticides
I am finding it easier to smile
I am finding it easier to love
I am finding it easier to give
I am
soaking up the light that shines brighter than the sun
I am bathed in the love of the one who has always known me
I am free
I am free and that
creates the me that I stand before you today
The God in me
honors and reminds me of the Goddess
That lives there too
HE is a combo of both
Not one
That is impossible.
HE created all, so he knows what and who I am
To HIM I am no mystery
so I embrace that part of my heart, my soul, my spirit
and I am learning to
Not be afraid of love,
or to try
or to give
or to uplift
or to attempt to bring together what someone has tried to rend apart
I stand smiling as lightning whispers and cracks
and I know that I have Him/ Her
I do not worry about my back
walking with favor and boldly with a confident smirk
I look and love and hope and dream and wish and uplift and I am
I am
I am
at one with peace over flowing with joy and accepting of favor.

Kita

Swagger back

Getting my swagger on. I got it. Thanks.

I am walking around here swaggering around, being myself, smart at the mouth and all that other blah, blah. I honestly figured that I kissed another frog, only to have him call me and realize that froggy is interested in making a jump towards the real man/man up role and wants me to apply for the job of his woman. Hmmmph. I guess he don't understand that his application almost made it into file 13.

He wants to spend some time today. Why tonite ya'll? After I go to the gym and errythang too? Uuuuuh. I am gonna have to get some sleepy time in.

You know, I had plans to chill out!?!! I had plans to pick at my friend and have fun learning chess too all at the same time.

But I am going to meet him. Why? Well, I encouraged him to get it together and stop mumbling on the phone and he told me that he needed me kind of inspiration. I am inspiring him by being myself. I like those kind of jobs ya'll. I told him that "if you are going to be in my life, eat your dang Wheaties and get some sleep. Trust, you are going to put in work. I ain't gone be the only one man. If I gotta be up on my game, you betta be on yours." The nut laughed. So did I...

Anyway, wish me well. I am praying for and about this. Later ya'll.

Kita

Trust

I am beginning to trust God more and more.

Just when I think I cannot take anymore, or that I am the only one standing on this step, enduring a situation etc., I am sent, gently guided to a place or to a person who is doing as I am, goint through what I am, and their perspective lifts me up. Their determination reminds me that I can and for my sake, for my futures sake, I must.

No more running from, running down or running to. No more compromising on what I want and what I need, no more.

Thank you God for teaching me to trust and love myself.

Kita

Life ramblings

I always thought that I would get married. I have always believed in marriage and the whole sha bang. You meet a good guy, you are a good woman, you have kissed your fair share of frogs he has kissed his fair share of fishies and you are happy you have finally met a good, nice, stable yet fun guy.

Ppppshhhttt. I wish it was this easy. *sigh* Well it is, more than likely I am becoming impatient. Impatience and I dance around each other all the time. I hate the chick. She knows it and insist upon pestering me. Lately I have decided to try to be more patient about stuff. More patient with people. more patient with situations and men and ..... uhhhhhhh, life period.

This relationshi patient thing is like a kind of hell. However I must like the joint cause I keep showing up ;o)

I sometimes often think I missed my boat in the love and wonderful life department and should give up and keep moving. However that hope springs eternal and faith in God will not die.

My faith buoys me through it all. God is not finished with me yet, so I will remain available. I don't have the right to give up, I do not have the right to give in.

Sometimes I just want to throw my hands up and say dang it to everything, but nawwww. I am gonna keep on trucking. Sometimes I do self sabatoge. Then I say nawwww. I am not going to go that way. Gotta keep moving on, moving forward.

It is scary as hell.

Kita

Getting High/ ego trip

when i spit it
its magnificent
better than the mess you thought you heard
not caught up in due diligence
supported by all the real ones in it
served you then left you
lost in yourself
take your pride out your butt
while I ride on your shelf
and yeah
idea that you had the real up in here
stuck in your own deluded sense of self
and funked up atmosphere
me
well i am matrixing on the life
you say that you are leading
walking calmly thru the leaves and
lies that you've been believing
watching the sky burn fire as you weave and dodge
me I'm being me superior to you and some
and you
you a hater with a water gun on
while I rise like a Phoenix
you still on that misleading trip
I drip knowledge on you
excuse me while I wipe my lip
don't slip in the bs that you yourself created
I 'm busy shining and blinging
while you are sitting and whining
cutting hateration with just the strength of
my attitude
ay yo
you know you can't get with me dude
cause I am magnificent
Phoenix taking a break from the sky
trying to teach silly folk how to really get high

@Kita

Uninhibited Love

You know, I am a relationship kind of girl. I ain't neva been to comfortable with any other arrangement - you know really free - unihibited except with my man. The time or two that I did the sex with no relationship thing I felt very stiff. Truth, I didn't know dude as well as I should have. IF that trust factor is definitely missing I am just too uncomfortable and it ain't gonna happen. Not anymore anyway, LOL!! See, I want to give you my heart to my lover and I want him to entrust me with his as well. I want to feel not one inhibition when we get intimate. I want to let you see my vulnerable side. I want you to smile when you think of me and I wanna giggle when I think of you. I want to know how did you get that mark on your shoulder, I want to kiss that mark and make it all better again. I want him to be my closest bestest male friend, baby, and I want to be his bestest, closest female friend too. Trust. This is what I deserve and what I want. I know that there are a lot of guys who want the same, fear, the great killer of dreams and hopes, kills so much including, well especially, hope.

I want the man I am involved with to know he has seen a good deal of me, cause it takes a life time to know all of anyone, and that he is a lucky man. A good and lucky man. Feel me? I know all of this may seem old fashioned, but hey the truth is the truth. I am down for a love and a life like that. If you are too, heck, holla at me shawt.

Ok. Enuff reveal.

Kita

Relationships

I have had a lot of folks asking me about how are things going on with my friend. They are going. He has a lot on his plate, and it is not like I am his woman to be honest with you. He is someone I am talking to. The application part is done, is he gonna work out with me I do not know. Heck. *grumbling*

I am having a little issue with people who ask like he is 22. Umm, he is over 35, on his taking care of his ill mom, trying to make a better life grind. His plate is full of responsibilities and he is taking care of them. Somewhere unfortunately, we all will be one day. Taking care of someone who took care of us when we were little folk. At present, I am not his responsibility, I am someone he is talking to. That is it. We have had some interesting conversations, we have had a good first meeting. That. Is . it.

Yeah, I am optimistic about how this will go with us. I am not trying to get this man to be my all in all. Only God can do that. I cannot get upset, really I refuse to get upset cause right now he has to take care of his mom. This woman blessed him with life, he should take care of her in her time of need. Dang. Why am I explaining this to folks anyway? His sister has passed and it is on him to take care of everything, including his kids. Look like people would understand and try to emphathize. This is his life and he has to keep himself on track with his goals and everything.

Right now, I am not in his position, but I can imagine the stress and strain. I trust the God that has always taken care of me. I am living my life and doing the best I can. I trust that same God to watch over, uplift and help him during this trying time. If we make it or not, heck I will pray on for him, and I will be there for him. It is what I would want, it is what I would need if I stood in his shoes.

I really, genuinely, enjoy his company, I really would like to see something happen here, but I ain't gonna try to make things happen, feel me?

If he or I realize that his grind is gonna keep us from getting together, then hey, I wish him well and pray he finds who he needs. Just like I did for the other guys it did not work out with. If this is just a continuation of kissing frogs, at least I know that a prince is coming. How bout that, huh?

If he is not willing to adjust himself when he can to spend time, then that is his choice. I will be dissapointed, I prolly will be hurt, but hon, truth be told, I ain't trying to make him what I wish him to be.

Come as you are, let me love you, love me back and let's see if loving each other for a lifetime is possible and what we both want. No games, no jokes, no lies, just God, truth and us and life. Real life, which means that situations nobody wants to deal with will come and support will be wanted and needed. May as well give it now.

See that is what I want. I am worth it, the man I want in my life will be worth the sacrifices and the understanding and what not. Not cause I say it will be that way, it will be that way cause that is what God will say to me and him and we will respond to His voice, not that of our own. Feel me?

Later ya'll. Victory is mine in all areas of my life. I walk boldly and confidently in it, despite the naysayers and the haters.

PS. Please pray for him. No one should be so tired or push themselves so hard.
Kita

Victory

I am not feeling very victorious today, however I will keep pushing and keep moving. Every day does not feel like sunshine. Regardless of this, this feeling of unrest and being tired I will smile and move forward. Joy lives in and with God, not with me, so my limitations are surpassed, lifted up and removed from me by simply standing on Jesus name.

Victory and joy is mine. I claim them, cause, shawt... they are my rights as a child of God's kingdom.

Move or get outta my way. I may walk a little sluggish today, but trust I am all there, and in 0.0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000005 seconds I can meet you where you are at and be on point.

Like my confidence, envy my confidence, you will be all right. I stand, live and enjoy life by God's decree and his might hands in my life. LOL

Moving on, moving on

Kita

Prayers...

I want it all. I want the good life, the good man. I want all of the good man, the sex, the relationship, talking, arguing, loving, fussing, moving up and handling the moving downs too. I want it all. The car, the house, the life, the child.

I have made a decision to keep my heart, head and prayers focused on getting it too.

I am praying to God for a better life and to be of better service to the world in the ways that I can. You can best believe that I am praying for my happiness as well. I want good folks, a good job/ business. I will have those things. I will have a good man. I think I have met a good one and we will see how this goes.

Full steam ahead shawt. Move forward, or get outta my way.

Lata,

Kita

A. Good. Man.

Happy today. I got the treatment that I deserved from a good man. I got treated with respect, and care and interest and ..... I got the treatment that I deserve. From. A. Good. Man. Not perfect, not Chestnutt looks, but a good, solid, loving, caring man.

I am so happy today. Even though there is the possibility it may not go any further than this, I am too happy that I have this......

The Idea of Leaving....

I have never really considered moving from the south. I am happy here, I know the cadence and the speed. We do not rush, we are not rude.. however if we must we will stomp you out. From Florida, Tennessee, Texas, Georgia (home!), South and North Carolina etc., that is the way it is. This is home . I was recently asked by one of the guys who I am talking to would I be willing to go to Cali for 3 years. Hmmmmm. I. Don't. Know. Just the idea of it is like uuuuuhhhhh. Ummm. Let's get to know each other better. I also let him know that before I do that, there will have to be an engagement ring, a wedding and my family's blessing. Scary thing is bruh said a chipper as heck "OK!" Oh, Crap.

Let me put it to you straight. I am not thrilled however, should I not follow love where it leads me, even if it is in unknown territory? I gotta think about that a bit so I can be honest if it comes up. I love, I like I thrive off of adventure. I also love, like and need my family. The idea of being that far away ... I don't know.

The thing is that this guy can get with my strong personality. Yeah, it is strong. I know it is. I like to have fun and can roll with the best of them........ That is why the attraction is ..... good. I know that this is something I will have to consider, everybody does not want to stay in the ATL. I could do North Carolina, maybe ... Washington DC. I never thought about the West Coast. Hell, I prolly got rid of that notion long time ago. Getting shot at ain't for me. That is funny when I think about it though. I mean, I miss the heck out of N'Orleans. Do you get the irony? Now he did say that this is where he would live, in the ATL and then retire in FL........ He has some awesome goals...... I gotta think on this a lil' bit though and now I REALLY have to get to know him...... He asked me did I think I was his missing rib, all I could say was, "Maybe" To be honest, due to my apprehension, I hope to heck ....... well. I am always down for an adventure and it seems I might have had another one batted my way.... We will see.

Praying about this possible leaving the south thing ya'll. This here is home. Relatives and fam on every side. You know, it is security and knowing somebody has your back regardless of whatever life throws at you. However, I really never have run with a posse. Running with one now would be sacrilege. I can be one confident lady. Let's see what happens this time......


Kita

What 9/11 taught me

When I think about that day, I will never forget it, I was on my way to a dental appointment. I did not believe what I was hearing. Yeah right, the World Trace Center in NY were hit. The DJ's at V-103 were always kidding around. When I got to the Dr's office it was eerily quiet and they took me in quickly, cleaned my teeth and put a sign up saying that they were closing early for the day. I heard one of the nurses crying on the phone, and with concern went to see if she was ok. In the nurses office s a small TV. That is when and where I first saw the pictures of the towers. I stood with my mouth open, I stood with tears pouring from my eyes as I saw the people and thought about all of those who passed on that day, just going to work to do their job. My dentist came out and patted my shoulder and told me to take a minute to pull myself together and go home.

I got in the car and drove down Courtland in an attempt to get on I-75 South. There were people everywhere attempting to get out of downtown. There were people crying uncontrollably in their cars. There were people sitting on the sidewalk crying with friends and strangers attempting to console them. It was the saddest thing I ever saw. I sat in my car and looked at all the people who were clearly hurting and I cried. I rolled down my car window, and it was sprinkling in the ATL that day and encouraged one woman in her car to breathe, to try and pull it together. She looked at me and said a sincere thank you . I refused to drive until she could pull into traffic, until I was sure she was ok to go on. No one blew their horn, no one acted a fool, everyone - not amazinlgy, were seemingly doing the same thing I was. Everyone was concerend about all of us making it home from downtown ATL ok.

I will never forget that day and how we were kind and caring with each other. Sometimes, a tragedy is the only way for us all to remember that we are on this planet together, in this country together and what happens to one of us, happens to us all.

I took that lesson and began to examine my life, my choices, my friends, my experiences, my expectations, what I gave, what I took, my character, the way I wanted to be, the way I wanted to live. It started my journey of inspecting every part of who I was and who I was deciding to become.

I learned that I was selfish with my heart because I was afraid of pain and hurt. I learned that I was very good at encouraging others, I remembered that in a crisis I am a calm and steady person. I remembered that I am always for the underdog, they need my help, not my judgment. I learned to seek the best from people, as a matter of fact, I learned to expect better from people. I learned that this country, these citizens I live with on the daily, when the chips are down, CAN manage to see beyond color, beyond class, beyond its selfish desire to have and to purchase and to be concerend only with self. I learned to look at the world from different sets of cultural eyes, or at the least to try. I learned that I have to give to my community, be concerend and get involved. Lip service only gives back the bs that your mouth delivered in the first place. I learned - really I remembered that I am here to serve the folks that I live with. I learend that I can deal with stupid, ignorant, insipid, mindless drones and other special people if it means bettering anothers situation. I learned that I can be patient.

Most importantly for me personally God began His work on me. He reminded me that I have a purpose and then, he began to show it to me. Growth began on that day. On that painful day something that was asleep in me and others woke up.

I really see the tragedy in N' Orleans in the same way. It is waking the sleeping citizenry up. It is reminding us that the country, our government and the representatives we elect need to - must remember to care. It must remember to share, to be there to give a dang about others that are at their weakest point, who are hurting. It put a light on our shameful lazy habit of letting big biz run our country. It put a spotlight on our oozing nasty little secret: we the mighty US have stopped being humane and caring towards our own, our poor, our disenfranchised. How can we justly criticize the rest of the world? It reminded us all that we must remember to care about something other than the celebrities who shine no real light on everyday issues, everyday life for everyday people. As I say and I beleive and I stand by: Entertain me... when that is over, get on. They are really not that interesting to me on a hold unless they are doing that. Some gossip is ok, however in the scheme of things they have not done me a great service unless I was entertained. Thanks though.

I hope this country grows beyond silly party lines, class lines and start to remember to be there for each other, to care and to demand that the elected do the same. I think the tragedies that have hit us in succession are reminders to do so. It is a reminder from God that He judges all, and He blesses more folks that just the US of America. We needed to remember that the great Sleeping Giant had a job to do, not a world to conquer or to break down, but to remind the world of how great we can all be when you unite together to offer opportunity to all with a fair and just playing field as possible. We let big business convince us that only the gluttonous survives. Sin was crouched at our door and we let it in. Repenting by changing our attitude and view is the way to go. I pray we do so soon.

Anyway, that is what 9/11 taught and showed me. How about your experiences?

Kita

No regrets...

When I let God take the lead I am at peace in a way I have never been at peace before. When I let God do his spin on my life, when I stop thinking I really know the answers, when I stop trying to make things be like I want them to all of the time, I mean, it is so very wonderful.

I can gush about the good times, I pray that I will stand strong in him during the tough times. I pray that I will always be in his good graces during the difficult time, I pray that when others lean into me for strength that he will show up and show out and use me. I am praying and hopeful and I do not feel as alone as I used to. I do not feel lost like I used to. It is almost like I am .... No, it is like I am making a slow trek to HOME.

Scary as it is, I realize one day I will no longer live. I am afraid, but I accept that. I am clinging ever more tightly to God's hand. I am walking with him, and he lets me know that only he knows the day and the time and I must concentrate on living today. I will concentrate on living today. One day at a time as fully as I can. No regrets, no regrets, no regrets.

Kita

Be a Light in dark places...

When you decide tobe like a light in darkness, when you let God shine out of you and into the bleakness, when you decide on the daily you will be a beacon, remember there will always be detractors. There will be haters. Honestly, there will be a lot of folks who simply do not understand. There will be those who do not believe in your goodness, there are those that won't see beauty, there are those who are determined to be unrepentant not trying to get themselves together sinners, pray for them. There will be those who will try to point out your faults and make you ashamed, pray for them. There will be those who will try to insist that prosperity in all of your life is not possible, it is not what God would want for his people, again I say pray for them.

Being a light is not easy. There is a lot of temptation to try to torture the darkness when all God ask is that you shine brighter. All God asks is that you tell them how you once stood alone in the dark too. All that God asks is that you on the daily live for him and with him in your heart.

To all of us who struggle, sometimes we need a reminder of who and what God is. He is not merely a granter of wishes and hopes, he is the Father, the Master. He is omnipotent, all knowing, all loving, all caring. He is God. He is worthy of your love, respect, and your obedience. He never asked you for perfection, he offers you love and peace. He offers you a way of living a full life filled with hope which will always spring eternal if your faith lies in Him. He speaks to your heart and mind and he disciplines you, and there are some days you will go through but He will never leave you nor forsake you in spite of yourself. I did not say live in church, your friends, or your family. All of those things and people are blessings to have, but your faith and belief in Him trumps them all. He is the purest love around. He is the glory and the grace. This is all God.

Thinking about this humbles me, it reminds me to keep striding towards being true to myself and to step and do what I am instructed to boldly. I will forever keep him on the throne and be his willing servant. I correct myself now when I attempt to sit down in that honored place.

Kita

To my future hubby

Sweetheart,
I have waited for you for a while. To be honest, I thought that it was your issue. Where is he, you know the man who will laugh with me, cry with me, see about me and support me. I wondered this while I listened to my girlfriends as they got married and unfortunately divorced. I wondered where you were as I told different guys that I thought were you to leave my life, leave my space. I wondered aloud to my friends and the four walls where were you and why haven't you found me. Silly, I know, silly.

Truth is, you hadn't found me cause I had not found myself. I was busy walking to the rhthym and beat of everybody elses version of love and fun and success. I am the one who blocked you. You see, I understand now that you could not meet me while I was there longing for a perfect me, offering only perfect love. You could not meet me when I was confused and hurt and constantly pulling off the scabs to try to heal my wounds. It was not time for you to meet me. I could not offer you an unhealthy heart and soul battered down by confusion and mistrust. I could only offer you a smile even when my heart cried in pain and anger. Please forgive me. I fell head first into the predicatble superficial complacent life of keep up with the Joneses and missed you along the way. I missed your smile and your laugh, your gentle touch and tenderness. I missed the way we could look at each other and knowingly smile at the way we look at the world. I missed being supported and loved. I missed the opportunity to be there with you when the hurt came, I missed being the safe place for you to fall when you were tired. I missed the petty arguments about nothing. I missed all of that growing and changing that you've done. I missed it, caught, stuck in the idealized fantasy world that I created based on lives and lies of other people.

Baby, please forgive me.

I have grown up now. I have been hurt, true, but I have grown up now. I look forward to sharing my life with you. I look forward to it and I am ready to love now. I do not keep the anger and hurt in my heart for others because it needs to be ready just for you. I am ready now. I can stand the storms with God, you my family and friends. I can love you now. I know myself and I can express what that means and what it does not now. I can communicate my desires now, and I can be honest about what I don't know and what I am afraid of. It was a hard but necessary process I had to go through, but, I am here and I am ready. Or rather I am still readying myself for your love, your care, your support. I am ready to give it and recieve it.

I realize now that I never needed the superficial or the fantasy. I need ... you. It is hard to say. I do not need to be superwoman now, cause I know that God covers me and I know that he is sending me you. You will be here with me, loving and standing beside me.

I have a place in the closet for your shoes and your clothes. I have a place in my heart for you too.

I know that you are weary of walking alone, I know you are weary of searching for me. Again, dear heart, I apologize.

I am ready to love you completely now. I know you are ready to love me too. Come for me.

Kita

I Am Finally Getting It!

You know, I used to look at my profile on these different sites and say hey, why am I not getting any hits? I realize why now: I am not being fake. I refuse to be fake or to not be true to myself. Yeah, I try to joke around, but if you ask me what I want I am honest about it. To top it off in my picture I am smiling. What the heck? You mean, they smile too, even if you are not doing a thing for them. LOL. Look fellas, if you do not want anything serious do not apply. I am not a sperm depository Do not waste my time. Do not waste your time. If you want a friend, then sure nothing serious is necessaire- a pure platonic friend, that is cool. Other than that, umm float on.

See, I used to think that I was too stiff, maybe I was stuck up, or maybe I am a nerd. Hmmm. I honestly may be a nerd and a bit goofy, heck I might be a bit stuck up. LOL. Oh well. Anyway, at any rate, I have decided that it is OK. Whateva. I do not have to have a lot of guys interested in me on these sites. It is cool. A lot of the guys on there are trying to hit it up and hit the door. It truly is cool. The sad thing is these guys who behave like this are not 20 nothings, they are in their late 30's - 40's. I know men like to feel virile and sexy and desired, but dang son. Don't you realize you ARE going to get old? Why be old, used and worn out and maybe possibly ill in a hospital or with your mama, your sister them who are putting up with your cranky butt? I mean, on the real, I am not going to want you. Why not someone you decided to share yourself and your life with caring for you and knowing that you like fresh sheets that smell like sandalwood oil and 3 spoons of sugar in your coffee and a lot of creamer early in the morning? Why choose that getting used by a young girl life cause anyone in a two mile radius can tell that she really don't want you but she will sure use you life? I have uncles who live/lived like this. In the end, we, the fam, ended up getting them and giving them peace and a lil' joy. They agonize often over the "good" woman that got away cause they were young and stupid. Thay are the ones who told me to go into deeper waters and be available to different races. I did not want to do that though. I kept blaming myself, for the entire situation.

I finally get it now. It is not me. Not in the way that I was thinking. I am a good woman. I do have standards and no they are not superficial. I am waiting for the man who wants to do right for and by me. Why, you ask? Cause I am that good woman who does for her man. I have a good and full life. I follow God, I love my fam, friends and myself. I look out for my community. I am a good, loving, caring, fun, full figured woman who prefers her life with little to no drama.

See, guys are always saying that they want a good woman. What is really occuring to me is that guys do not know what in the heck that is. A woman who does not have kids, takes care of her own life, prefers to laugh than to argue? One who is respectful of you but assertive, what son! That is not how black women are suppose to act. I mean, she is not cussing you out or acting a fool, rolling her eyes or going off about a bunch of petty nonsense? No son, that woman there ain't for you.

For a lot of guys, until you grow up, you are right. I will become a better person, I will be a good woman. I will not stop being myself to make you comfy around me. If you ain't comfy with me being me you DO need to float on.

I finally get it. I though for the longest time it was my weight, and to an extent for some guys it may be. However, weight can be loss. A nasty attitude and a tendency to cut you down is something that can be a lot more damaging, a lot more hurtful and frankly a lot harder of a habit to break. Then I thought it was my mouth, cause I can be a smart butt, but it is all in fun. I ain't trying to hurt you. But you know what, I think that it is my confidence and it is the fact that though there are some guys who like women who have character, morals and love to laugh there are a lot of guys who could not identify a good woman if she stood in his face and smiled all dang day. He can easily recognize Mz. Liar, Mz. Good Sex but Stupid, Mz. Gold digger, and let us not forget Mz. New Booty, he can easily recognize them, but when he gets face to face with a "Good " woman who loves and respects herself and would gladly do the same for him he is instantly clueless. What I have heard is that there is little to no fire there. I chuckle when I hear that ignorance, what you mean is the good girl does not try to play you for a fool and goes off on your silly behind only when it is really necessary. Truly stupid. The sad thing is that they always get that you are the "good" grown, intelligent, sweet woman that they DO want when you walk away, or they do. A few months, a year later your phone is ringing and you hear regret and clumsy attempts to fix the disrespectful things that they said or did. To bad the guy does not grown man up in the beginning.

Guys, stop regretting and get to know the woman and her mind and stop just thinking with Mr. Small Head. Get to know the woman. It will make your life so much easier. Trust me the "good" women are out there, you just keep passing her by.

Kita

New Day...

Hey ya'll. It is a new day and I am loving it. The sky is a bit foggy, just like my brain (lol). The temp is cool, and frankly I can see the sun beginning to peek out, like it is feeling free to share itself again today.

This dating thing is kinda fun and a bit challenging. Got me questioning myself and picking the negative about myself and this dude. Truth is, I do not know him. Truth is, there is no reason for me to want him in my life. Umm, I do not know him.

Sometimes when you are searching, being available for love, you go a little berserk. Obviously I have dipped into the nitwit pool. Thank God common sense rained down on me this morning.
However, it is tiring this dating thing. So many people, male and female are playing games. Guys come with hang ups, and we do too. I have experienced so many guys behaving badly that I stopped giving them a clean slate. Unbeknowest to me, I start putting guys all in the same category. My bad. I do not want it done to me, and in addition to that, I will miss out on my blessing, meeting a great guy who may not be a life partner, but at the least a good friend. Why should I do that to myself. I won't. I choose to love me and to be available for a loving, caring, good - right for me male life time partner. Dating will get me to that person, so I will date.

My philosophy is if not for me, maybe for someone I know. If I have not shared any intimacies beyond that of friendship with the guy, why should I care? I know it may be harder than it sounds, but heck, I want my friend/ associate to be happy too. I want to be happy as well, so I do not block blessings. Besides that means blocking my own. Umm, that ain't gone be ok shawt.

Sometimes I get really caught up in me, my life, my wants. I become very selfish. I have to take myself off of the throne and place God there. When I let Him have His rightful place my life moves easier, and I do not act like a mad woman. I have done this with guys in the past. Why should I make him that important to me anyway? What if he ain't for me? Wasting time becoming emotional about someone that I should just smile at wish them well as they move on to meet the love of their life. They taught/ teach me a lesson, sometimes about life, sometimes about men, most times about me and my long list of issues (lol)!! It is all good, cause trust, I will love the Queen. I will be victorious in following God, loving me, loving you, and getting rid of fools and living successfully and fully as a grown and blessed woman. K?

On occassion that demon desperation raises her ugly little head. That demon fear is her mother, really. When I took the issue to the Father, he stamped it out. Told me the monster was dead, and to keep dancing to the tune that He placed in my head. He does have the man for me, and I need to continue to take care of me and my life, He has the love part on lock.

So I walk in the fog, dance in it, cry in it knowing that I am being guided through it, and that there will be times of beautiful sunshine. Keep smiling anyway. Favor is my best friends and falls fresh on me like morning dew, every day. Ya' better know it. I will continue to take care of my home, my finances, my education, my health, my life (social and otherwise), my spirit and soul. I will continue to be comfortable being me in my skin and I will remember that I am here to love and be loved and that I am enough where I am. If that is not enough for the men that I meet until I meet the man that I am meant for, let them dance and float on. I am enough. Not too much, not to little, enough. I am a work in progress. If you can't get with that, you can move forward too.

My goal in relationships is not to change or improve a soul. Nor do I need that from anyone I have a relationship with me. I can encourage you to grow, to look at life differently, to relax, and heck yeah to laugh. Encourage me to do the same, esp. the laughing part. Laughter is great for the soul anyway ;o)

It is a new day today. Glad to see it and be a part of it. Thank God I am off of that throne and out of the nitwit pool. Common sense reigns again.

PS - Do not get it twisted. I am still the Queen, but even Royalty must answer to a Higher power.

Kita

Available...

What can I say? I am going to keep giving it my best shot. I do not think that they guy I went out with last night and I are going to make it either. I think the guy has his eyes on several people. It is cool, I am not in the chasing guys down business. I called him back and he did not call me "can I call you back?"

He was cute, intelligent, smart and attractive. However, I do not feel like... well, he made this big deal about my calling, so I made sure that I did, and you know what, he has not called me back yet. Sigh... I know that guys are into doing this right now, this playing games things, but I am not. I will move on. No games allowed, hell it ain't me, so why should I fake the funk?

You know it is hard out here trying to be authentically yourself and being available for love too. I sometimes want to leave the relationship thing alone. However, I am not gonna do that. I deserve to be loved, to be cared for, to show that love to someone else.

I have never claimed to be perfect. I hope the guys I have met, and I meet until I meet the right guy finds who he needs/ wants/ God chooses for him. I am gonna remain available for that god blessed and given love myself.

Yeah it hurts, no doubt. However, I deserve love, I deserve care, and I am willing to be available for it. I will be available and I wish the other gentleman who moved in and out of my life for that brief period well.

Kita

Dissapointment- Smiling Anyway

Yes, I am very dissapointed in how or rather how the guy I was talking to did not take any initiatives, and he took none. I know what to say about this. He really is not into me, and I do not fault him, he does not know me. I would love to say his bad, but frankly he does not know me and he lost his chance, all because of lack of initiative.

Guys please come and get your balls back, really, I do not need them. No woman does, but thanks. I am not running a guy down, I am open to a good relationship. That is it. I do not mind showing interest, in this day and age every body who is in a relationship wants to be wanted. I ndo understand that, but i still expect a guy to take the lead in a relationship. If it is going to fast I will let you know, I will slow it down, I will, if I must, walk away.

I am still available for a good man. The proud, the true, the real, the caring, the considerate, the loving, the attractive, the supportive, the intelligent, the humorous, the protective, the communicative, the employed, the honorable and the respectable. Oh yeah and he has to take the initative, so a guy with some balls.

Pray for me ya'll. I will continue to be available for a real genuine mutual love. To give it and share it. I am holding out for love.

Kita