To my future hubby

Sweetheart,
I have waited for you for a while. To be honest, I thought that it was your issue. Where is he, you know the man who will laugh with me, cry with me, see about me and support me. I wondered this while I listened to my girlfriends as they got married and unfortunately divorced. I wondered where you were as I told different guys that I thought were you to leave my life, leave my space. I wondered aloud to my friends and the four walls where were you and why haven't you found me. Silly, I know, silly.

Truth is, you hadn't found me cause I had not found myself. I was busy walking to the rhthym and beat of everybody elses version of love and fun and success. I am the one who blocked you. You see, I understand now that you could not meet me while I was there longing for a perfect me, offering only perfect love. You could not meet me when I was confused and hurt and constantly pulling off the scabs to try to heal my wounds. It was not time for you to meet me. I could not offer you an unhealthy heart and soul battered down by confusion and mistrust. I could only offer you a smile even when my heart cried in pain and anger. Please forgive me. I fell head first into the predicatble superficial complacent life of keep up with the Joneses and missed you along the way. I missed your smile and your laugh, your gentle touch and tenderness. I missed the way we could look at each other and knowingly smile at the way we look at the world. I missed being supported and loved. I missed the opportunity to be there with you when the hurt came, I missed being the safe place for you to fall when you were tired. I missed the petty arguments about nothing. I missed all of that growing and changing that you've done. I missed it, caught, stuck in the idealized fantasy world that I created based on lives and lies of other people.

Baby, please forgive me.

I have grown up now. I have been hurt, true, but I have grown up now. I look forward to sharing my life with you. I look forward to it and I am ready to love now. I do not keep the anger and hurt in my heart for others because it needs to be ready just for you. I am ready now. I can stand the storms with God, you my family and friends. I can love you now. I know myself and I can express what that means and what it does not now. I can communicate my desires now, and I can be honest about what I don't know and what I am afraid of. It was a hard but necessary process I had to go through, but, I am here and I am ready. Or rather I am still readying myself for your love, your care, your support. I am ready to give it and recieve it.

I realize now that I never needed the superficial or the fantasy. I need ... you. It is hard to say. I do not need to be superwoman now, cause I know that God covers me and I know that he is sending me you. You will be here with me, loving and standing beside me.

I have a place in the closet for your shoes and your clothes. I have a place in my heart for you too.

I know that you are weary of walking alone, I know you are weary of searching for me. Again, dear heart, I apologize.

I am ready to love you completely now. I know you are ready to love me too. Come for me.

Kita