Story/ Truth

This is kinda about me with some stuff changed around. Enjoy!

She kicked open the door lugging her bag and her purse. Cursing as she made her way to the alarm system, she noted that her phone was also ringing. Great. Turning off the alarm she turned, locked her front door , reset her alarm and placed her bag and purse in one of the leather barstool assigned to her bar. Somebody really did not get that today she was not in the mood for the BS, the talking, the crapping, the whatever. Not today. The drive through Midtown Atlanta was enough. Listening to a griping last minute wanting a miracle attorney throughout the day laid the solid foundation of her craptastic day. She needed a moment of pure beautiful silence. Just a moment to relieve her mind of the nonsense, the anger, the frustration of her day. Thank you God, she thought. The phone has stopped ringing and peace reigns again at last. She trudged, feet dragging across the kitchen linoleum to the refrigerator. Grabbing a slice of cheesecake and placing it unceremoniously on a plate, she thought about how truly sick of everything she was. She was sick of everything and everyone. They could all either kick bricks or crash and burn. Whichever they decided, just do the damn thing and get the hell on. Her job, her family, so called friends, and neighbors all needed to leave her alone. Being nice was way past the word over. Kicking her shoes across the carpeted floor and walking in stocking feet to her comfy beige chair and ottoman she finished her choice of a quick snack and stress reliever. Immediately feeling guilty that she ate the calorie packed yet oh so delicious strawberry cheesecake she sighed. Dammit. Seems like every time I get over the hump some mf puts me right back there. After reminding herself that placing blame will get her no where, she flicked on the tv. Thank God for remote controls. Then. The. Damn. Phone. Rang. Again.

Answering the phone politely but clearly putting out a vibe of what in the hell do you want, she soon sat shocked. The guy who she let in her home, left her with bills up the whazoo, that fool had the nerve to call her. That fool who left his clothes at her modest townhome, took her car and did not even have the decency to return it to her, the idiot whose on mother told her she was too kind to when she dropped the clothes off at her home, HIM. This fool called her home, disrupting her peace. This fool on one of the most craptastic days she had. Great. He began talking with a montage of excuses, speaking rapidly, occassionally stuttering, stopping and trying desperately to get a reaction from her. It was clear that what her good friend told her, after the fact mind you, that home was pro'lly a working drug addict due to his continually losing his wallet was true. This was not the man that she let into her home. This was not the man that went out of his way to help her, to love her, who held her. This was not the man who did these things. This was a drug addict. Standing up and attempting to remain calm, she asked him was he ok. Still expressing concern for someone who did her so wrong, she thought for a minute maybe she was a weak person. The quiet began to hit her nerve. He got quiet, then his voice cracked. Apologies for all he put her through, apologies for how he left poured through the wire. Sitting down, with her mouth wide open in awe of the call, the message and the apologies she waited patiently for him to be quiet and began to tell him the truth. "I forgave you when you left, I forgave you when I gave your mom your things, I forgave you as I got my car that you would not return to me , I forgave you as I moved into my parents home so that I could pay the mortgage and keep my townhome, I forgave you as a good friend of mine moved in to help me keep my home. I forgave you. I know that what you did you will get back, or unfortunately the daughter you have will get it back because of you. I forgave you. I have struggled but I was not crushed. I forgave you for being a crack head and I presently forgive you cause you must be high or straight stupid to call me. I forgave you and left you alone. Now I struggle to forgive myself and try to love another again, let them in my heart again. I forgive you, and I hope for you sake that is enough for you. Now, MF please get off of my phone. It has been a shitty day and I have patiently waited for you to finish your apology. Now that it is done what was between us is finish. Kick bricks bitch. Have a good day." She slammed the phone down once finish. Sat and looked at the phone like maybe it was a snake waiting to strike her again with unexpected, unnecessary crap. Breathing deeply to calm herself down, she again walked into the kitchen. She decided to have a tall glass of water. She decided to burn his SSN that he left in her home. She decided to pray. More importantly she realized that this was not about him it was about her. She got released today just a little bit. The monkey was beginning to climb off of her back, the one that told her continuously to be nice, that she should be glad anyone took notice of her cause she was a big girl, the one that told her that yes she was everyones rug or scapegoat when they had a bad day. No more overeating today, no more letting others be in control of her reactions. She decided to enjoy her day, love herself and get into doing the things that lifted her up. The gym was waiting for her tomorrow, 5 am came early and her size 22 was gonna shrink slowly but surely to a size 16, she was going to taking care of herself. Smiling, she pulled out the chicken that she baked yesterday along with the squash, green beans and corn bread. Regardless of how the day went, she was moving on, moving forward and though she gave in to the need for instant gratification, she was ok, she was ok. Thank you God, she thought as she put a low flame under the pots and began walking up the stairs to her room. Tears fell freely down her face. She was getting back to HER. She really had no idea of how many more things she was going to have to let go, she was going to face. She was aware it was all just beginning, but she was not angry anymore. She knew that whatever came, with her, God, her family, friends and yeah, crazy neighbors she would be ok. Life, and she, would move forward to bigger and better things.

Forgiving Me

I have walked off of my path
trying to walk on the one that you assigned another
Lord, forgive me
I have turned a deaf ear
not heard your melodious voice
paid attention to your directives
listened to the whisper and denied its answer
in order for me in my pride
to be right
Lord, forgive me
I gave the very least of me
being nice to others when
you asked me to give genuine kindness
and nothing less
God, Jehovah, my Father
Forgive me
I allowed another to sully my spirit
to darken my view
to call into question my quest for you
because it was not their way
Lord, forgive me
I listened and hardened my heart
against others, against You
Lord, please forgive me
You told me what my name was, what it meant
and what you intended
You whispered in my ear often
BELOVED, I love you
I listened ardently to those who implied
I was not enough and decided that who I am
was in want
My cup runneth over with Your Grace
Your Mercy, Your Faithfulness
My life is Your gift
I squander it no more
Thank you for a New Year
A growing spirit and the reminder you send
when I wonder what makes me so special
in this sea of many
You answer unequivocally
Much like I love them
and decided who and what they would be
their purpose in my kingdom before they entered in this world
Beloved, I have given you all that you need to do
what must be done, experiences all good and bad
all work out for My good,
Beloved I love you...
and with thatI stand in awe God.
I stand in humble humility and Awe
Thank you for loving me
Believing me and always being there
Thank you

Change

I am doing an attitude adjustment. Give me a second here . See sometimes change is not easy but a good friend reminded me that it is all about my attitude about it. Let's see here. So I am changing my attitude. I am able with God' to look at my life and the challenges that I will face and I know with certainty that victory is imminent even when all around me, including myself says no. Faith. Will. See. Me. Through. See, 2006 was about a lot of changing. Some of the changing was pretty hard to do. An old friend and I have to adjust to our new friendship, if it will exist at all. I have changed. I am changing from having a job to having a career. I have changed. I cannot do a while lot of blaming anymore, nor can I fix my family (had to accept that). I am in the process of changing. Sometimes the changes become rather uncomfortable, rather painful, rather... scary. Heck, I am scared, and that is real talk, but I gotta keep moving.

My goals for next year is all about me doing as EXCELLENT as I can in every area of my life. You read that right. EXCELLENT. I did not say perfect, I will do as well as I can where I am. Wherever that is, if I am learning, if I am growing, if the ground is shifting under my feet and I am afraid, I will handle it as well, as excellent as I can. That is my goal in my spiritual, social, financial, mental, emotional, physical all of the ways that I can. That is my goal, that I search beyond the common and reach for the best that I can in the place that I find myself in while I grow.

God is really good to me, and Christmas was good. A little strained at times, but good. I am greatful that I was able to share a little of me with all that I love and care for. It was good to have my fam around and to give to my folks, friends etc. It has been a bit emotional from me, cause I am about to move into some things that I do not know about, and things are changing with the people and things that I know. I have no shame in saying that I am afraid, but I will keep moving, keep pushing, keep living.

I am thankful for life, breath, family, friends, new opportunities (challenges), my home, my car, God. I am thankful for hope, for knowledge and for wisdom. I am thankful. Struggling, but yet greatful.

PS - I will be glad when this pessimism gets the heck on. I am tired of it now.

Kita

Pleasure..watch that intake!!

Pleasure without purpose or reason is selish and is damning. Pleasure .... I know what it feels like to get caught up in the I want what I want instantly thing that is going on with my folk. We get credit cards, have sex, cuss folk out all for the instant purging the instant pleasure of it. It gets us where? In dangerous situations. Rape is about trying to get someone to mentally be beat by you by attacking the body. It is a violation of the body and spirit by another person by force. Bullying is the same thing. It is the violation of another's right to make a decision of what is best for them. If you practice this.... control issue stuff... it is for the pleasure rush of being stronger, the pleasure rush of being bigger, it is all about YOUR pleasure. When it is only and always about your pleasure with nothing behind it, catch yourself. Heck yes sex, it is good and I enjoy it and have done..... heh, heh. However, I now understand that it comes at a very high price of my spirit when I do that with guys with no attachments. I got what I wanted. Great. He got what he wanted and after a while it ain't enough... the instant physical scream his name out pleasure. I want to, I got to start feeding my soul. That kind of empty pleasure ain't for me anymore. I want more. I want the give and take. I want the kindness given and received because .... I want more. Pleasure, ummph. It is so sweet, and can be instantly gotten, trust, however, it is not going to be filling, not going to be enough after a while, it will be empty. Try eating and eating and eating oreos pack after pack day after day. After a while you will feel sick, and the pleasure will die. Trust. It is the same thing with anything else. Food, sex, drugs, liquor, tv. after a while though they are all pleasureable, they go bust and the pleasure principle kinda dies.... don't it. Family, church, work, volunteering yeah they get on your nerves, they make you scream, you may even leave church for a week or 3 years but you find yourself praying, cause you want that more, that attachment, that connection that MORE and it is beyond pleasure.......... it is so much bigger than that. You stop calling family, but you keep up with family business via that aunt that don't trip on you about your past mistakes and 5 years later you walk back through the door, cause even though they make you want to stomp their asses out, they are family, your connection and that something MORE......

Instant pleasure on a continuous basis, like a credit card that is used all the time for every purchase eventually, if not monitored will come with a high cost.. with f***king interests to boot!! Yeah it is good in the beginning but bites your butt in the end. That is why discipline is so important and getting that something more so essential. Get something more. Fill up on that. When the pleasure comes be it instantanteously or in generous or small bites, enjoy!!

Kita

Struggling with a bout of Melancholy / Greatful

I just want to write. I need to express myself and then I will quickly do what I am greatful for. Today was a good day, I got frustrated this morning because I woke up late, and I got stuck in traffic etc., but all in all it was a really good day. I enjoyed the c0mpany of my co-worker and I thought about the things that were going on in another person's life. I will pray for them. Then just as soon as I was happy I became a bit melancholoy. Hmmm. I am looking at what happened. Today I was suppose to go and enjoy myself and take care of myself and now that I am to sit and perm my hair, read a book, paint my nails... I feel kinda funny. And now that I bought myself some pants as a gift to me.... I feel melancholy. I want male companionship, and a relationship..... I do want that. I know I am to feel appreciative about what I have, and I do, but I must be honest with myself too. I ate ok today. I really did, and I am proud of how much better I have been eating lately. I got a bonus and a gift from my bosses, and they made me promise I would spend it on me, I just don't know what to buy myself. I am becoming careful with my money..... when it comes to me that is. Hmmm. I will examine this some more when I am at home. I will pray about what just happened and I know the answer and the solution will come too. OK. Enough of that.... i am feeling a lil' better already

I am greatful for my job, God, uplifiting people and family. I am greatful for new friends and growing, improving relationships. I am greatful for moving forward. Lord, thank you for letting me know that there is no competition in my life and that I do not need to feel better than someone else to feel good about myself. I am learning to love me where I am and that is an excellent feeling. I am becoming accustomed to checking myself and having you check me Lord, thank you. I am learning, growing and changing and I am thankful for that. I am greatful for new adventures and new stories. I am so greatful Lord. I knwo the melancholy feeling is .....temporary and thank you for alerting me that it is because I think that folks that show interest in me will respond to my interest back in the way and time I think they should. You just keep letting me know, clearing up confusion, andGod I just want to say, thank you.

Greatful 17

I am glad for an excellent memory and the great memories that I have. I am glad for my new playmates, (hi N and M!) and I am glad for the old ones that I still have- too numerouse and precious for me to mention here. I am greatful for my wonderful family, my mom, dad, sis and bruhs and my beautiful neices and handsome nephews. Work it ya'll. I am so greatful for a brandnew day and how I am reconnecting to the breath and to life. I am so glad. I am so greatful. I know that God is the reason why, and I can never be greatful enough for Him being who He is, loving me. Thank you God for loving me. Yes, I am a sinner, yes I fall short, I am far from perfect, but God values me and loves me. Thank you God for that. Amen Father, amen and thank you. I am so very greatful.

Jobs

When someone starts taking your for granted and thinking you have to be there, what should you do ... I suggest shaking up their atmosphere. Leaving, moving on.

I like my job. I really do. Some days it is boring, some days really tedious. I do realize that the ladies kinda take me for granted and only one will come and say hello on an everyday basis. I do not need to be coddled, but there is no need to be rude or to treat me in a bad way. I mean dang, acknowlegement of communications and situations or even that I am here would be nice. I ain't begging for it. You will recognize when I am gone that I was sitting there. That along will do. Not vengeance, but it is time to go. I understand this now.

I am greatful for everything they have taught and shared and continued to share, but taking anyone for granted is a sure way of making them think about kicking bricks an saying adios.

Kita

Grateful/ Coming to an End - ode to me and 2006

Yeah, I am glad that this period of being upset at folks is coming to an end. It was a long time coming. Yea!!

I keep being me. I keep laughing and smiling, helping who I can and being myself. Yeah, I still cuss time to time, I like my hip-hop, gospel, r&b. I still ain't perfect. I still got some (mucho!) booty to lose HAH! And you know what, it is ok. I still don't talk to that old friend regularly, and that is ok. I am not trying to fix all of that anymore. Every day I am working on loving me more, forgiving me and others, not trying to make others accept me, saying F you to folks when they won't accept how I feel or how I view the world. I am still working on my relationship with God, my folks, my fam. I am still moving forward, moving on. I am still living in my beautiful lil' house, in my dirty but good working lil' car. I am still here. I am still here. I am still here.

My regrets are becoming fewer, and I explain myself less to myself and to others. Deal. I am respecting my heart and listening to my brain as it rambles around. I am moving my body again, and it DOES feel so very good. I am remembering to take my time with myself and pamper myself... somewhat. I am beginning to learn how to face my fears, and my pain, my hopes, and my dreams. I still dream. I still like new music, love all kinds of music and love grooving to it and it is still wonderful to hear it played on the radio, from a cd and live and to share it with others. I still love to write, to sing to .... be an artists which is what I will always be. I still love words, and enjoy a good book. I love smiling... still. I am still silly I am still more willing to laugh than to fight. I still avoid pain at times, and I still hate to be wrong, I still have my friends backs when life is kickin' their ass and I am still there to celebrate with them when it is all good. I am still here. I am still here. I am still here.

I still am fashionable, big girl or no. I still can rock it and put you on your toes bruh and yeah girl.. I see you jocking my stylo and staring at me. You are damn right I am still beautiful. yeah I said STILL.

For the first time I can say that I am glad that I am still me. I did not change enough to fit. I like being who I am. I am STILL HERE. Living and breathing, enjoying and crying, fighting and sometimes giving up, accepting and holding my ground stubbornly, I am still here. I like the me that I am. If you do not like it, you know what you need to do. Get busy then lil' heffa, I gotta go. LOL.

This year was a year of letting go, of accepting that I am enough, that as I am I am lovable, loving, giving and all that other stuff that I am. I do not need to be fixed. I needed to learn that, remember who and what I am, who I have been and where I really want to go. It does not matter if I lose weight, it does not matter if I finish a degree, it does not matter if you are my friend of not, as long as I have God and me, I am enough and I will be fine. Just fine. I am still here.

2007 begins a time of bringing things together. Moving on forward ya'll. I am so glad that in the midst of it all God knew and he knows what he is doing. Despite what other folks tried to tell me - their last shots made. I am enough. If you don't like that, kick bricks. I wish you well, cause I am doing just fine.

Holla back, get the heck out, bye for now all you dumb bunnies!

Kita

Greatful 16

Thank you God for focusing my energies on you and taking everyone away that needed to be removed or their presence diminished. I realize now God that it has been a blessing to me to keep my eyes on my own paper. I thought that it meant to not compare myself to others, or to try to compete with others, I am learning that it meant to focus myself on what is important for me so that what goes on in the rest of the atmosphere is mere chatter. Thank you for that God. I get so caught up, and you have taken my eyes off of everyone else. Thank you. Thank you for good friends who do understand where I am coming from. Thank you for a new understanding of myself, thank you for pulling me close to you. Thank you God. Thank you for living in my thoughts and in my head. I am greatful for this new walk I have with you. Thank you and amen.

Greatful 15

Thank you God for focusing my energy and life towards you, thank you for focusing it on my present and preparing me for my future. Thank you for saying enough is enough and forcing me to move on, to let it go - the pain, the hurt, the feelings of betrayal etc. Thank you. Thank you for reminding me in ways that I have faltered, and thank you for reminding me that I and a lot of folks fall short. We fall short and that is why you are there and there is no shame in admitting that or accepting it either. Thank you God. I am at peace in my spirit, in my soul, with myself. Thank you for the strength to forgive, to release, to move on. Thank you for being God and reminding me that you are truth and life and love, and that these other folks are just human beings like me - flawed but lovable, causing pain but meaning to uplift. In a word they are human. Thank you for letting me know that some folks learn and some folks stay where they are on different subjects and situations and it is ok to forgive them but to also know who and what they are to me. I know when it is time to change and move on you will prompt me. Thank you for your intervention and lifting me up. I am so greatful for that God. Thank you, thank you. Working at taking the log out of my own eye, I know that is why you tell me to keep my eyes on my own paper. I understand now that you want me to see the whole paper and read the entire story, not just the part that tells my story, his story or her story. Your story, the only one that covers everyone is the one I need to know. Thank you for letting me know it is not selfish to want to know how I fit into the story. Thank you for letting me know it is not selfish to want to know who I am, what my purpose is in you. I get lost some times and you come to get me Lord, all of the time. Thank you Father. Thank you for music and inspiration, a closer walk with you, for clarification, for a closer relationship with my family and my friends. Thank you God for the new understanding, love, patience and respect I am gaining for myself. Thank you God for allowing me to do your work. Thank you. I am so very greatful. I could go on and on God, thank you for being better to me than my mother, father, brother, sister, family and friends. Thank you for being better to me than I ever could be to myself. Thank you God. I lean into you and appreciate your knowledge and listen and act on your wisdom. Thank you for telling me to watch who I share my gifts with, and thank you, I have not shared all of them Lord. Thank you. Thank you.

Forgive and Release

I sat over my mom's house this weekend and I let out all of what has been going on this year. My mom spelled my solution out, "You are so busy looking at what you do not have you, who is not around, who you no longer have a real relationship with that you cannot see all the good in your life. Relationships change, situations change, friends change and you are hurt about it. Forgive your friends, they have meant no harm - sometimes folks simply do not understand how much harm they do to you because they do not understand that you prosecute yourself to the point of flaying off your own skin sometimes. Forgive yourself for putting up with crap for so long. Forgive yourself for not taking better care of yourself and for forgetting that peace at any cost ain't really peace. Forgive her, she really meant no harm and simply did not know when to stop trying to correct you. I raised you, I know you, you just get a lil' lost sometimes. Understand you have doen this to others at times to. Forgive any of your other friends, release painful friendships, memories and more importantly -- move on. Either they will grow, change or die. You are grieving for what was, and that is why it hurts. Either it will grow. Change or Die. Release. It is time for you to get focused on the great things, the healthy, the new things. Forgive baby girl and release. Go where You need to go, focus on that"

My mommy loves me! I took what she said to heart and start letting it go. It is interesting to me the comments that were made ( I sent it out over my e-mail to all of my folks). Hmmm. Sweet, Introspective (from a few folks!), Interesting. OK. Good. For me that is it. Moving on.

But I will share!! Perhaps it will help somebody else who is looking at years of stuff from someone and they need to move on. I pray that you forgive, release and move on:

Hi All-
I usually do this each year for my own benefit, but this time I was prompted to share. This is my forgive and release list. I will share my list of hope and love soon. I tell ya, this is why I can keep smiling coming into the new year a lot of times. I am coming to the end of my year of releasing. Yep, I had to release friends, people, situations and control. Still working on that control thing, but hey LOL!! Joy is my friend, and it keeps me plugged in to God. At least I can admit that I got work to do. I know some folks need to do this, or do it in their own way, but I figured this year I would share, it might help somebody who is struggling to do the same. If it has been me who hurt you or harmed you in this way, take a moment and let it go - release it, forgive whatever I have done and move on. I humbly ask your forgiveness and apologize. Anywho, here goes:

I forgive myself and others for not being a good friend, sometimes at the worst times. For being a know it all when I knew nothing, I forgive myself and others.

I forgive myself and others for not understanding that sometimes a friend needs you to listen; sometimes it is best to keep your judgments to yourself until you are 80% sure you know enough of the story.

I forgive myself and others for not offering the kind of support that is/was needed.

I forgive myself and others for needing to walk away at times offering no explanation and leaving hurt feelings.

I forgive myself and others for playing super being roles. Every body needs some help sometimes and there is no shame in that. Get over yourself! We are suppose to be interconnected for this purpose, to help each other.

I forgive myself and others for forgetting to forgive, and holding on to issues and pains of the past like they are your best friends ever!! Most of that crap is holding us back from our future. It has held me back. I am forgiving as I go through life and letting it go.

I forgive myself for gaining weight and moments of depression. Sometimes you must go through darkness to get to the light. I pray that more people are patient with themselves and get to the bottom of what their issues are, that they accept them and move forward. My insecurities, my pain, they are mine and not easily dismissed. I take care with what I say and share with others because of how what I have shared over the years has been marginalized. It matters to me, it was my experience. I can move on from it, but do not tell me how to feel about it or to move on, get over it. I walked through that darkness with only God beside me. You could not go with me, and I am glad you could not. Do not confuse determination to move on for forgetting the experience. It does change a person. Respect them for having the courage to move on anyway. I am a work in progress, excuse me if it gets messy at times. I understand and forgive you if you need to go your own way for a while. Don't forget to do this (forgive when you are going through) for others.

I forgive myself and want all others to forgive themselves for not always doing what is best for their lives. We all want to be healthy, living fully and free. It is a process to get there to that point that it comes naturally to you to do that without hesitation or resistance. Know that God is doing a mighty work. Mighty works take time, do not let anyone confuse you or try to make you think that if you have not done so overnight you are not "right" with God. If they do, smile and suggest that you both have a Bible study on the book of Job. LOL.

I release myself from perfecting expectations of myself and the ones that others try to impose. I am not a perfect person. I get angry, I get hurt, I ignore what is obviously in my face, I sometimes avoid pain. I am imperfect. I am not a perfect friend. I try to be there. That is all that I can do.

I release myself from past pains of family, friends, associate and strangers. Yes, things did happen that cannot be changed, nor can it be rectified. I cannot go back and replace the years, the pain that came with being ignored, treated as a commodity, not being respected for my own point of view. I cannot battle the world, nor can I get the world to always understand me, but I can appreciate and love myself and remember those feelings so that I will not visit them upon others. I forgive because it is how I want God to forgive me, I release because in holding on to it I keep myself held down.

I release the need and want for vengeance, grudges that should die, callusness that was not meant, judgments from others that did not mean harm but caused harm by myself and others, thoughts and irrational ideas about my person, life or others. If someone does not understand you, can't get you, won't try, it is their loss. Pray for them, wish them well, the very best, move forward knowing that you have been true to self. You must be true to you.

I release the need to be approved by anyone else but God. Enough said. I am not trying to, attempting to, please anyone anymore. Accept me as I am, or accept nothing at all. I am a work in progress. I accept the work you and God do in/on yourself in ways I can see, accept the work I am doing on myself and what God is doing in/on me. I forgive all those who tried to "fix" me. I am doing well, I am doing fine. Life is not perfect, but I am ok and I am getting better every day. Thank you for your support during that time when I was desperate for acceptance. It is a new day. Acknowledge and accept that. Sure I need support, sure I need the truth but try to flavor that with a bit of compassion & be ready to have a listening ear. I will do my best to have one for you.

I release myself and all others from debts of all kinds. I am released and free of financial, emotional (guilt, regret) and all other kinds of debts. Shame from the past I release. Not being able to do when I wanted to I release. Past dissapointments, I release. Feeling like what I had to offer and what I had to give was not enough, I release.


I tell you, this is so wonderful to do. You look around and you get so caught up, you hold on, you do these things to protect yourself from future pains and hurts. You do not live your life fully holding on to this crap. I know I can't. I gotta be doing what I gotta be doing, and honestly this year was about release. Next year is about gathering the good to me and letting go what needs to move on which includes restrictions, friends, new associates/ relationships, opportunities. It includes respecting and loving myself, creating new and needed boundaries and routines for my life, God, family, friends, hope, guidance and attending church. I guess I need to take those new member classes now. Hah! LOL. It means a lot more changes for me. It includes a lot of GREAT things. Life moves forwards and moves on and so do I. I am learning to.

You all are very special to me, and I love you all. I remember that God still loves you at all times - and you know you've done wrong with Him, so who am I to love you any less?

Smooches!
Kita

My Version of Happy

I have really thinking about what this really means to me, how it is defined. What is happy for me. I did the how to get to a 10 thing, but that ain't necessarily happy. How do you get to looking around your environs and getting to content. I know one of the things that I have to do is stay in touch with God and be greatful. OK. I am at peace, I have joy, I do not worry much, however, I want to know what my definition is so that I can obtain that.

I know it is cliche', but I think it means enjoying the journey a little bit more. I have not enjoyed the journey much. I have not enjoyed it much at all. I have resentend the journey, tried to pretend like things were not really happening when they were, but I have not enjoyed this journey to me.. to this moment very much. I also daydream too much. Too doggone much. So....

1. Stay in the moment.
2. Enjoy the journey to your next destination.

I also judge folks... always against me mind you. they do not like me, they have an issue with me. Who is the they and why do I feel like this. Hmmmm. I am going to change that.

3. Start letting folks be themselves and you be yourself with them. Do not anticipate bad treatment.

Now, all those things have to do with my perceptions. How I perceive people and situations and the passage of time.

The other things I am examining is - is a hubby necessary for me to be happy. Is it what I really want.

4. Start getting out and dating more. Getting to the right person is a numbers game.
(yes, the answer is yes!!) heck I want a good, solid, sustaining relationship. Why lie?

5. Start believing in dreams and self. This is a no brainer. Kkkkk. Umm. I gotta stop placing limits on my dreams. No more limits. That is one thing that drives me nuts when other folks do it, but when I do it, a big thumbs up. Enough of that.

6. Cease over analyzing stuff. Crap happens to me, to you, to the dog etc. Why? I do not know, it just DOES.

7. Get involved in something I really give a dang about. I love to sing. Time to go back to church, join the choir and sing, sing, sing!!! yeah, take those new member classes.

8. Have the courage to say how I really feel. Do not keep it bottled up. Allow myself to become intimate (not sexually necessarily) with someone beyond my friends that I know from way back. That means exposing myself ya'll. I hate vulnerability, but it is by being vulnerable and real you get what you really need outta life. I know.

Greatful

I am so very greatful. You know, I gotta say thank you God in this post. Just for being you. Thank you God, you are why I do the things I do. Thank you for setting me free, and for always being there. There is really nothing else to say. I am greatful for the life I have the future... the present and even the painful things in my past. I am greatful for life, fam and friends. I am greatful. so very greatful. It has been a really great day. I am greatful Lord, thank you God, I am so greatful. My eyes are watering up cause I know that my cup does runneth over. Thank you God. Thank you for favor and your grace and all of the many gifts that I am blessed with. I am greatful for each and every one.